year in review

to wrap up the year... at the risk of being a little myopic, how about a top 10 stories in lara's life this year

i mean, seriously, you'll find lists compiled by cnn, msnbc, whatever else of the stories of national import, but if you're reading this, for some reason you enjoy my summaries of what i've been up to and/or thinking about each day, so i might as well compile .... (more or less in chronological order, rather than ranked)... here goes nothing!

(1) january trip/spring break trip/may trip (consult appropriate time frames for multiple entries of each... january: memphis to st. louis to chicago to minneapolis to valpo to pittsburgh to jersey with colleen and scott.... spring break tour of new england to see marianne... may 7-city tour across the midwest :-) lots of fun all around!)
(2) lara meets the NYC planetarium and is inspired to purchase a telescope for herself later that day (see here -- i think i neglected to mention the telescope so as to keep it a secret until after the parents visited later that week :-P, nonetheless...)
(3) delaware trip (see here -- this pretty well sums it up)
(4) best birthday EVER (see here and thereabouts... it was a freakin good week :-) )
(5) cross country roadtrip (read any blog entry from july 18 through august 1 -- how often do you get to drive in a car with a friend from one coast to the other and see all kinds of cool things on the way? trip of a lifetime indeed!)
(6) moving to highland park (see here -- not that that post is exciting, but it's good to live with friends)
(7) roommate's mom dies (see here and various posts before that -- august and july were pretty heartbreaking all around)
(8) lara gets an advisor! (see here -- um, YAY!)
(9) pastor j retires (see here or here -- so long to someone who's been a person of major importance to my time in jersey so far)
(10) the boy question (despite things like this and the end of this throughout the year... looks like nothing's going to happen of note there anyhow.... it was fun while the mystery lasted)

on the other hand, somewhat disjoint... in my estimation top blog entries of the year, whether for serious import or just humor value... in chronological order... enjoy :-P

• Saturday, January 24
  
• Thursday, January 29
  
• Sunday, February 15
  
• Saturday, February 21
  
• Tuesday, February 24
  
• Saturday, February 28
  
• Wednesday, March 24
  
• Tuesday, March 30
  
• Tuesday, March 30 (2)
  
• Friday, April 2
  
• Wednesday, April 14
  
• Tuesday, April 27
  
• Friday, April 30
  
• Sunday, May 2
  
• Wednesday, May 5
  
• Friday, June 4
  
• Sunday, June 6
  
• Sunday, June 27
  
• Monday, September 13
  
• Monday, October 25
  

and i'll let the memories wrap it up... so long 2004... you've been...well,.... interesting... more stress than i could ever imagine, but also getting closer to soooo many friends than i'd ever imagine as a result too... here's to hopefully less stress and hopefully more good times in 2005!
happy new year people :-)

i feel like crap

i did sooo much work yesterday... i basically did math for 12 hours...

then i slept for 5 and woke up suddenly, with my head all full of crap... literally... i have a nasty head cold now... headache, my eyes sting, my nose is runny, my throat hurts... and i HAVE to work on qual stuff... not a fun day...

for as much time as it's taken me to really get in to studying, i do not envy colleen and leigh at all... neither of them seem to be doing much besides family stuff while gone and neither gets back til next week... eric's in vegas, but putting in almost as many hours a day as me and calls me periodically to compare notes... it would be nice to have a local study buddy right now, but i'll take what i can get...

but really, it's kinda miserable to be sick when you're the *only* person you know in a few hundred mile radius and you have a crapload of stuff to do... woo-freakin-hoo...

hopefully good sleep tonight will kick this... i plan to have fun tomorrow night with jessica no matter what :-P

wish me luck... later dudes

i'm baaaaaaaaaaack

what a week so far... i'm... exhausted

and the next two weeks look like h*ll

yesterday i drove from memphis to pittsbugh (in 12.5 hours) on 3 hours of sleep)
last night i got much more sleep, but i drove back, then took awhile to unload all the stuff i brought back out of my car... errands and other such fun later, here i am

i'm exhausted.

i'm frustrated with people who don't realize how they affect others and cause pain where they don't mean to.

i'm totally discouraged about the qual... working for two hours tonight literally ended with an hour of me sobbing on the phone to eric, (who i must give major credit to for being a consistently having-faith-in-me enthusiastic cheerleader)

really though, i have 14 days to get confident about this test and pass it... i don't see how it's gonna work.

pray for me -- that things stick and that i can somehow buck my attitude which i really need to get rid of and don't know how to.....

hello to a very not so fun month....

walkin in memphis

farewell to the south again... and way too quick this time, but it was a good day

church, then lunch with the family... how many parts of the country can you order fried okra, a baked sweet potato with brown sugar, and baked apples as your side dishes? yay south :-)

came home, and in our 40F heat wave, i washed my car (very much needed)...

about then, jenny came over and saw the birds, etc., visited for half an hour before we headed out again.

picture: jenny with a baby tortoise, dad with a cockatoo, brother with the momma tortoise:



then, jenny and i headed to the theater to meet up with jessica (yay for seeing both my key HS friends i still keep in touch with at the same time again!)... she had her cousin with her, and the 4 of us ran down the street to get tea/coffee/etc. and sit for a little before our movie, and then went to see phantom... i was amused at scenes they rearranged/added and lines they modified, but was generally impressed with the whole production... it was fun :-)

after that... dinner with the family

picture: me at the dinner table with nermal, one of our cats:



since then... packing... it's a goal to eventually get all my crap out of this house, so i chip away at it each visit... current additions to the car for the return trip? a 20 gallon fish tank stand without the fish tank (to become a table for my plants)... a wicker chest half the size of my car's trunk full of balls, frisbees, water guns, etc.... 17 years worth of yearbooks and some misc. scrapbooks... a rack for all my casette tapes... and of course my christmas presents... the car's decently packed but nothing like my college moving trips :-P

the plan... wait for laundry to get done, pack my large suitcase of clothes, then get 4-5 hours of sleep... tomorrow, hopefully be on the road around 6am central time, spending the night in pittsburgh tomorrow night (13 hour drive tomorrow, 6 hours tuesday)...

more news from the jersey front when i get there :-P

farewell from the south, y'all!

be parties one and all :-P

movie madness

the plan tonight?

brother and me were going to see "the life aquatic with steve zissou" at 9:40 tonight, come home around midnight and crash... we skate the car to the theater just as the movie's supposed to start, we go to buy our tickets and we get pointed to a sign in tiny print that reads "due to weather conditions, we did not yet recieve our copy of 'the life aquatic'... sorry for the inconvenience" (instead of opening a week ago like in jersey, it was scheduled to open in TN *this* weekend)... well shoot... the next movie we had even a remote interest in at that theater was at 11, so we left, and tried another theater a couple miles down the road... with nothing there that we both wanted to see, we went a block down the road to the net closest theater (one in a mall), where the only movie yet to start for the evening was "closer", which i've seen once, but am *not* seeing again with my brother... hrmmmmph...

by then it's after 10, but we were determined to do *something*, so we drive several miles down another road to check out another theater that i'll be at tomorrow afternoon anyhow :-P... there were no movies starting there after 10, so we moved on to where the next closest theater should be, but turns out since july they've dug it up and are putting something else there... hrmmmph again.

now it's 10:30, we've been scooting around on ice for an hour and we darn well want our movie... so a stop by walgreens for contact solution, and off to the original theater, we finally got our movie...

brother had never heard of it, and it was on my to see list, although i didn't realize it was a *THREE HOUR* movie!... yup, we saw the 11pm showing of "the aviator"... with the exception of an obnoxious group of teenagers in the back row of the theater who talked on their cell phones for the first 45 minutes of the movie, then all left en masse to go elsewhere, it was good.... brother was extremely confused as he had no idea who howard hughes was, but having even a little background made it worth seeing... the filming was really interesting and i really liked how they put together lots visuals... it was weird seeing leonardo all old and crazy looking; i guess when i think of actors to cast in the role of hughes, he's not who i'd originally think of, but he did well.

so yeah, 2:15am, just got home, movie done, and i gotta drive mom to church in 7 hours... this is fun, right?

moral of the story? you let me and brother leave the house together and you never know where we'll end up or when we'll come back... we are just freakin good at joy riding and/or making excuses to stay gone longer... go us :-P

night y'all

merry christmas!

merry christmas to all y'all!

soooo NOT a standard year around here...

my brother has a new job that made him work yesterday, and he's housesitting, so he fell asleep there instead of coming to church last night... mom's sick and has spent the whole week in her recliner... dad and i already get on each others nerves every few hours, but we're hanging in there and no major or minor explosions per se yet...

between the bad roads (no salt + ice + southern drivers = a city that looks like cars ice skating through town), it's a little crazy around here... mom hasn't felt well enough, nor had the chance to get to the grocery store, so it's looking like waffle house for christmas dinner... doht

last night, dad and i went to the 11pm christmas eve candlelight service... one of my favorite moments of the year is singing silent night at the end of the service with the church dark save candlelight... so that was nice :-)

dad, ryan, and i are supposed to go to christmas morning church in half an hour... hopefully they get their acts together and get in soon so we can go -- usually a 5 minute drive to church, but with this kind of travel conditions (still 2 inches of ice on the road everywhere), it takes more like 20-25 minutes... blah

so it goes...

merry christmas to all y'all. whereever you are, may you find a way to share the joy of Christmas with those you love, and may you be thankful for the gifts of life, health, friends,.... and most importantly the gift of a Savior.... and may your thankfulness and joy last you the whole year through. merry christmas :-)

llamas!

my day?

slept in... had a crazy long, needed-to-be-had chat... went to dixie cafe with brother... went christmas CARD shopping to go with the gifts from yesterday... came home and visited the backyard and posted pictures..

roads are all still caked in 2 inches of ice (no salt out here), so driving is crazy slow... yay for front wheel drive?

fav two pictures of the day


happy llama! (adam, 7 months old)


misty (21 month old llama :-P) and me


merry christmas eve, dudes! :-P

the rundown

ran errands today -- bank, first time to sonic in 6 months, christmas shopping... lots of the city is just caked in 2 inches of ice, which makes driving... um... entertaining

came home and worked on math for the qual... moderately annoyed at one person, for a reason i probably shouldn't be... majorly annoyed with math, and kinda burned out on qual problems when i'm not allowed to be for another 3 weeks... oops

to make up for the angst though, i sat here for the past while and organized and posted the 50ish photos i've taken this week on the digital camera... you can see them all at here, but here's my top 4 fav's... enjoy:


happy cockatoo


happy cat


happy dog


happy brother and me






night y'all!

cold

i slept wih SEVEN blankets last night... because my room is *that* cold... blah

change of plans...

courtesy of www.weather.com:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Severe Weather Alert from the National Weather Service

...CARROLL-CLAY-CRAIGHEAD-CRITTENDEN-CROCKETT-CROSS-DESOTO-DUNKLIN-DYER- FAYETTE-GIBSON-GREENE-HARDEMAN-HAYWOOD-HENRY-LAKE-LAUDERDALE- LAWRENCE-LEE(AR)-MADISON-MARSHALL-MISSISSIPPI-OBION-PEMISCOT- PHILLIPS-POINSETT-RANDOLPH-SHELBY-ST. FRANCIS-TATE-TIPTON-TUNICA- WEAKLEY- INCLUDING THE CITIES OF... BLYTHEVILLE... DYERSBURG... HUMBOLDT... JACKSON... JONESBORO... KENNETT... MEMPHIS... WEST MEMPHIS 237 PM CST WED DEC 22 2004
... WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM CST THURSDAY...

SIGNIFICANT WINTER WEATHER IS LIKELY ACROSS THE WARNING AREA THIS AFTERNOON THROUGH TONIGHT. CONDITIONS WILL CONTINUE TO DETERIORATE THIS AFTERNOON AS HEAVY WINTRY PRECIPITATION ADVANCES IN FROM THE SOUTHWEST.

SIGNIFICANT SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 6 INCHES ARE LIKELY NORTH OF JONESBORO AND WEST OF THE MISSOURI BOOTHEEL. SIGNIFICANT SNOW AND SLEET ACCUMULATIONS ARE LIKELY OVER THE REST OF THE WARNING AREA. TOTAL ACCUMULATIONS OF 3 TO 5 INCHES ARE LIKELY FROM THE JONESBORO AREA THROUGH THE MISSOURI BOOTHEEL. ACCUMULATIONS OF 1 TO 3 INCHES ARE LIKELY ACROSS WEST TENNESSEE... EAST CENTRAL ARKANSAS AND NORTHWEST MISSISSIPPI THROUGH TONIGHT. PERIODS OF FREEZING RAIN IS ALSO POSSIBLE THIS AFTERNOON SOUTHEAST OF JONESBORO AND DYERSBURG WHERE SOME ICING COULD OCCUR ON TREES AND POWERLINES.

A WINTER STORM WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN SEVERE WINTER WEATHER IS EXPECTED TO OCCUR. HEAVY SNOW AND/OR ICE ARE FORECAST TO ACCUMULATE IN THE AFFECTED AREAS CAUSING HAZARDOUS DRIVING CONDITIONS. THOSE WITH TRAVEL PLANS IN THE WARNING AREA ARE ADVISED TO CHOOSE AN ALTERNATE ROUTE, OR SHOULD USE EXTREME CAUTION IF TRAVEL IS UNAVOIDABLE.

ANY TRAVEL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. IF YOU LEAVE THE SAFETY OF BEING INDOORS, YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR LIFE AT RISK....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so much for going Christmas shopping today -- apparently doing so is a hazard to my health :-P

photos of the crazy weather in my backyard in a bit...

maybe we'll get our 1 white christmas in 10 years, *this* year... go figure! :-P

minor drama

background:

in my memphis house, my room and the attic are the entire 2nd floor. seriously. you go up the stairs, and no landing, no hallway, no door, you're just in my room.

the room at the bottom of the stairs has been for years now the bird room... currently there are 3 cockatoos (2 belonging to my parents, 1 visiting while his family is out of town), a macaw, and a miscellane of other smaller birds

to get to my room at night, i have to walk across the bird room in the dark to the stairs, and then i'm home free... usually this isn't a problem...

last night:

dad warned me to be super quiet going to my room last night especially as he just put a pair of doves and their new baby in there yesterday to protect them all from the cold, and the birds who haven't been in there before when i'm home won't expect anyone running through

by the time i got home already though, the bird room lights were already out for the night and i needed to at least bring *some* of my stuff to my room before i went to sleep (e.g. i always bring home my favorite pillow and a warm blanket since when you come home twice a year, things you leave in your room for yourself have a tendency of disappearing while you're gone)

the drama:

so i'm ready for bed, and heading to my room as quietly as humanly possible, with my blanket and pillow in tow... seriously no sound except my feet, and the previous trip upstairs with my suitcase didn't scare the birds at all, so why should this one?

apparently, birds didn't like the color of my blanket, and thus, as i tiptoed through the room, the doves i was warned about FREAKED out and started flying repeatedly into the walls of their cage... two of the cockatoos decided that that (2:30am) would be an optimal time to freak out as well... so i quickly got out of there and dashed to my room and for half an hour listened to the darn cockatoos screaming and the doves flying around....

i hope i didn't inadvertently kill any of them, but seriously... i was carrying a blanket to my room to keep me warm for the night... i was being insanely quiet... how was i to avert *that* one?...

oh the joy of being back on the mini-farm

later dudes.

i'm baaaaack :-P

hello people :-P

greetings from memphis!

had a long, but good drive down here....

sunday: dropped heather miller off at the newark airport, where it was at least mid-50s (temperature wise) when i let her out of the car... drove straight to just west of harrisburg, PA before getting out of the car... when i did -- in the teens for temp and below 0 for wind chill... FREAKIN COLD!... pretty soon after that, it started snowing... hard... at once point i skidded 10 feet down the exit ramp to one of the PA turnpike rest areas... doht... nonetheless, i eventually made it safely to aunt pris's house.

monday: woke up early to still crazy snow.

see? (taken out my aunt's kitchen window)



then drove from pitt (took forever to get out of town), and on to columbus, ohio, where i met up with travis for the first time since july... it was a fun afternoon... we got lunch, he showed me around his corner of the world, we hung out for awhile at his friend alex's house (one of the other members of his band) (there we watched an hour of the simpsons and i got to hear travis play guitar in their studio for a bit :-) ),... and then we just hung out for quite awhile at his place (where i met his parents, his sister santana, his grandma (who liked me quite well :-) ), and a couple other relatives who were visiting... along with the family menagerie... they have ponies and chickens in the back yard :-P)... once we were back at travis's place to stay, one game of chess took over an hour, and otherwise we played with music and movies (i saw "the crow" for the first time and we watched a bunch of other random stuff too)

here's us, late at night, tired and falling asleep :-P (i look tired, travis somehow managed to just look charmingly happy)



tuesday (today):

for some reason i thought that even though we stayed up til 2:30 last night, i'd manage to be wide awake at 9am and set to get my act together for the day... however, to travis turning on all the lights and hollering "good morning sunshine!" at me (his parents had me sleep in his sister's room, next door to his), i grumbled and buried myself further under cover for a bit... then, when i *was* going to get ready, he was getting ready to watch the beginning of "office space", so instead, we curled up on his couch and watched the whole of that before doing anything else... then, lunch at waffle house and i was on the road south... 9.5 hours of driving, and dinner with the family later... here i am in memphis

major qual study time starts tomorrow. woo-hoo... but not thinking about that just yet...

random comment: it's somehow comforting to be back in the land of people who speak with drawls... i miss it when i'm gone :-)

later dudes... night y'all :-)

the rundown

the past week:
monday: classes all day, pick up roommate from the airport, more homework time
tuesday: 15 hours of math while roommate was in philly
wednesday: last day of class/projects/etc. for me... chiles for dinner and drinks with roommate, scott, and ben,... see ocean's twelve with all of the above plus colleen and eric
thursday: NYC for the day with roommate, and eventually with heather miller too! (shopping on 5th ave., lunch at mars 2112, radio city music hall christmas spectacular, etc.)
friday: just hanging out with heather and roommate... got pictures back, saw spanglish, bought new clothes :-P
saturday: take roommate back to airport... more shopping with heather, lunch with scott and heather, storytime, and learning to play pool with scott, saw the nutcracker with heather and eric... magic show from eric, learning more how to play pool with eric... home late, then packing, etc. til 3:45am...

the coming week:
today: woke up at 7:45am (that's right folks, running on 4 hours of sleep)... see the kids christmas program at church, clean out the fridge for lunch, drive heather to the airport, drive to pittsburgh
tomorrow: drive to columbus and hang out with travis for the day
tuesday: drive to memphis

catch y'all on the flip side

a laugh, delayed by a week

this worries me

krispudwell: i didn't call you the other day (Thurs evening) but Priscilla called to say grandma had passed out in the lift and has a broken shoulder. The doctors were to meet yesterday to see what should be done...i haven't heard anything yet. When I tried to call Cil she was out and the house sounded like a looney bin with the little ones crying, etc.

yo yo yo

the last 48 hours in pictures










































you can catch the captioned version and other random stuff from the last month and more at http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/photoalbum.html -- enjoy! :-P

& etc.

i'm finally a real person again... as of 4:15pm today, my semester is done, and now all that stands between me and next semester is quals (yuck).

saw ocean's 12 tonight, it was fun.

had margaritas tonight... they were good.

lost my wallet in a parking lot and didn't notice until colleen called to say that a policeman was at our door to tell me that they had my wallet... was turned in to the police with everything intact.... yay for honest people?

also had a random guy yell "yee-haw" at my car when i almost hit him.

it's been a crazy day...

NYC tomorrow!

later dudes :-P

a few more photos

eric composed some songs today, and we took pictures on his camera... now you too can sing along ;-)

colleen's song




my song




the composer at work

good and bad

bad news first: email from nicole's mom to her senior year roommates... they had been planning to inter nicole's ashes in a columbarium at the valpo chapel next month, and the board of directors is now telling them otherwise:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear ones, I think of you often but I haven’t written in awhile. May I ask for more prayers, please?

You probably haven’t heard our latest bad news. A couple of weeks ago, we heard that there were some problems with approval of the columbarium. I wrote Pres Harre about 10 days ago and asked what was going on. We received a long email from Pres Harre on Friday stating that “The counsel of those with whom I spoke was unanimous that the establishment of a columbarium was not something that the University should pursue.” He offered to have a cabinet in the Dean’s office that would have only Nicole, Dr Truemper and his wife when she dies. I don’t think so!!!! The whole point of a columbarium is to have it visible, to have it as a witness of the communion of saints. We just went “WHAT IN THE WORLD?” We have been openly planning this since Nicole’s funeral 15 months ago. How could this have happened? Apparently, proper red tape procedures for approval weren’t followed. What really makes us angry is that his letter seemed to not just say it would be postponed, but that it wasn’t ever going to be approved. We had been planning the interment for Jan 3, and now people have to change their plans. We are still going to Valpo to talk to people face to face and ask lots of questions. His statements about the labyrinth and drainage in that area were very negative also. My sister, Susan, who is on the board, has sent a draft of a letter to the chairman of the board and wants to send it to all board members. We are going to fight for this columbarium. If all the board members vote it down, so be it, but Harre has only spoken to a few people. We covet your prayers about all this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pray about it?

---

good news: roommate is here! she's currently watching TV with leigh while i finish my combinatorics homework (tired of texing things up and took a 10 minute break to post pictures instead)... here's my christmas present from her... how cool is this?

part 1




part 2




and now my wall is finally completely decorated!!! :-)

lol

me: soooooooooooo
me: what's going on a week from tomorrow?
me: :-P
travis: sorry, i'm busy that day, some cuties comin over to see me.
me: =-O
me: what are you and her gonna do then?
travis: i'm hoping to lick her eyeball.
me: are you?
travis: yeah. depends on her though.
me: you can't read her yet?
travis: no, i got the unabridged edition... shoulda ordered the cliffs notes.
me: doht
me: besides or instead?
travis: aside.
travis: cuz, the unabridged would be good for snow days and whatnot.. but gettin the gyst of where i am going, that'd be nice sometimes too

thoughts 2

two completely unrelated thoughts --

(1) eric quote from last night, "you know, one of these days i think i'm going to write an essay on the psychology of being a non-super star (math) grad student... because seriously, i can't think of any group of people who so think they're as stupid and have so little faith in themselves as ph.d. students... obviously we're smart or we wouldn't get admitted, but you get here and there's the super stars like (insert a couple names), and you feel dwarfed and incompetent... it's a sad but intriguing world view"

(2) re: last post, i have a shelf full of candles and have had one lit for nicole (one of my valpo friends/roommates who died last fall in a car wreck) and one for stephen (12 year old at my memphis church who died of kidney cancer last year) for the last hour, and have been playing the CD nicole made for the 5 of us roommates for graduation last year... song quotes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can’t believe the hopes he’s granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone
’cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the lord’s the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
’cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life will still go on
But it's just not the same
Miles and miles and miles are between us
Like Earth and Mars and then on to Venus
Although you've gone away
I still see your face
And these memories linger inside our
Hearts always

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When every moment gets too hard
End of the road can feel so far
No matter how much time we’re apart
I’m always near you

I’ll be the shelter in your rain
Help you find your smile again
I’ll make you laugh at a broken heart
Wherever you are

I’ll be your rock when every candle burns down low
And I want you to know
I’m never gonna walk away
If the wall comes down someday
All alone and you feel afraid
Be there when you call my name
You can always depend on me
I believe until forever ends
I will be your friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It helps to think that somewhere
you're feeling just the same.
And don't take even
a moment for granted.
Don't lose heart
when the world crashes down.

How many miles ahead?
I can't count the ones behind.
I wish you God's speed, friend.
You're always on my mind.
Will you remember me, say,
seven years from now?
And where will we be then?
Well, I'm here for you now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are standing at the crossroads
And now it's time
For you to go your way
And me to go mine
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Until the day I see your face again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the father’s great design
Thru’ time you’ve been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye
But I know the road he chose for me
Is not the road he chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we’re after

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won’t you pray for me and I’ll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again

Painted on our tapestry
We see the way it has to be
Weaving thru’ the laughter and the tears
But love will be the tie that binds us
To the time we leave behind us
Memories will be our souvenirs
And I know that thru’ it all
The hardest part of love is letting go
But there’s a greater love that holds us

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

here's to nicole :-)

1981-2003

thoughts

random hodgepodge of things in my mind lately --

* too much work... some days math makes me cry... although i think i've decided that's a manifestation of lots of other stuff going on below the service too

* quote from me talking to eric last night (i didn't even expect this one to come out): "you know, i really miss nicole... and not even just that... like a year ago, i could still bring up her voice clearly in my head at the drop of a pin... that's starting to fade and it really scares me"

eric's response? "that's a good reason to be upset... like my grandfather used to take me and my brother out to do fun things and then got alzheimers and so my more recent memories of him were of him being sick and i so wanted the fun memories instead... but you know what i think? maybe you can't draw it up on command, but the important memories are still in there somewhere... maybe you can't just think 'hmmmm, nicole', and hear what you want in your head anymore, but maybe a smell, or a picture, or something you don't expect will still trigger it... you're not losing your memories of her, it's just changing how you have to get to them"

very good point -- it just still gets to me, and holidays seem to trigger things all over again.

(p.s. tonight's the worldwide candlelighting night for children who have died (see here... if you read this by 7pm your time zone, don't forget to light a candle)

* on a less crying note, i miss pastor j, but for not even having a permanent temporary pastor (we get one in january), we've had some cool subs... this morning's preacher was a very pleansant grandfatherly old man... quotes from the service?

we start off each service with people having the opportunity to get up and make announcements... when the line quickly grew to a dozen people, the pastor got in the end of the line, and his announcement was "thank you for your attention -- this checkout lane is now closed!"

then, to start off the service, he commented "i'm a stranger here, but i can make a few guarantees: (1) the service will begin,.,.. well, it already has... (2) everyone is welcome here -- this is God's family, and there are no strangers in God's family (3) the service will end... i promise, it really will, and (4) i'll make some goofs inbetween since i'm new around here, but please forgive me in advance, and we'll see how this goes"

he ended the service with "christ came into the world so that you could be made free, and share that freedom with others -- you are now free to leave"

his sermon was quality too... it's just interesting during this transition time to meet so many different pastors with so many different styles... i must say this: from oldest to youngest, pastors in the new jersey district have spunk :-)

end of current brain drain... back to homework for me

eh

i woke up in a bad/weird mood, and it stuck all day

thankfully, my math boys take care of me when i'm in a bad mood... ben came with me to the library to help me find stuff for a presentation and for help with homework due this week, then we drove half an hour away to the nearest theater showing "sideways", which was a quality flick, modulo a few scenes (a recurring theme in my reviews recently)...

anyhow, after that, we got turned around and it took a bit to make it back to our corner of jersey again...

however, tonight was a party at my house and i'd been in a funk all day, and hadn't been all excited about this party to start (for some reason, the theme makes me think a lot of my friend nicole who died last year)... already in a funk, and not wanting to deal with people then, i kept to myself in my room, but ben, scott, and eric insisted on taking turns hanging out with me... mostly eric and me chatted most of the evening about the things that have been getting to me lately and other fun stuff...

when it got close to time for everyone going home, etc., eric read me go dog go and scott read me stop that ball before they all started to pack up... scott, also, remembered a conversation from yesterday:

me: (mid sentence on the phone)
scott: i'm paying attention, really i am, but if i sound distracted there's too much going on over here
me: distracted? there's candy and flashing lights in your room?
scott: i'm going to bring you candy? what?
me: did you just say you're going to bring me candy?
scott: yes, wait, what did you just say before that?
me: not that
scott: oh, well, i can still bring you candy
me: i have no objections to that
scott: ok, then... see you later!

this was yesterday afternoon... i had forgotten about it,... but tonight, just before he left, he gave me a big lollipop he bought for me earlier today... how party is that? :-)

now though, i have a headache from being distressed all afternoon... time to crash.

night y'all.

not the best night...

it started out alright... i was productive this afternoon, then ben and me went to get dinner... we met up with sam, eric, colleen, and scott for the rutgers orchestra concert (which was fantastic.... despite scott crossing the line of appropriate things to say to me and me pummeling him on the way out (which was met with laughter because everyone totally knew he deserved it))

after that, someone suggested we all go to rafferty's (a restaurant/pub place down the street that i'd never been to) for dessert and meet up with jared, jared's girlfriend jessica, and ian there... on the surface a fantastic idea... in reality... frankly, i freaked

ben was the only one riding in my car, and when we started talking about how to get there i started getting nervous/freaking out and kept responding to everything with "what if i drop you off and go home"... ben was patient though and convinced me to park and come too...

goto google and type "panic attack" and go to the first site that comes up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. Symptoms of a panic attack include:

raging heartbeat -- (yes)
difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air' -- (yes)
terror that is almost paralyzing -- (freakin yes)
dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea -- (moderate)
trembling, sweating, shaking -- (yes)
choking, chest pains -- (moderately yes)
hot flashes, or sudden chills -- (no)
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles') -- (no)
fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die -- (YES)

You probably recognize this as the classic 'flight or fight' response that human beings experience when we are in a situation of danger. But during a panic attack, these symptoms seem to rise from out of nowhere. They occur in seemingly harmless situations--they can even happen while you are asleep.

In addition to the above symptoms, a panic attack is marked by the following conditions:

it occurs suddenly, without any warning and without any way to stop it. -- (YES)
the level of fear is way out of proportion to the actual situation; often, in fact, it's completely unrelated. -- (definitely -- who freaks out about getting cheesecake with friends?)
it passes in a few minutes; the body cannot sustain the 'fight or flight' response for longer than that. However, repeated attacks can continue to recur for hours. --(yes, but, see below.....)

A panic attack is not dangerous, but it can be terrifying, largely because it feels 'crazy' and 'out of control.'

Many people experience occasional panic attacks, and if you have had one or two such attacks, there probably isn't any reason to worry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(my parenthetical comments above)... chances are then, a mild panic attack is EXACTLY what was going on... and not something i need to freak about... between end of classes and quals, and other things that have been on my mind, stress is a word i know well these days, so so be it... it was absolutely terrifying.

what was even worse was that, ben, apparently, has had friends with panic attacks before and responded appropriately and helpfully... after we got to rafferty's though, scott, sam, and eric seemed to think i was being silly and making a big deal out of nothing and kept trying to convince me to do anything besides just sit in the corner at our table (e.g. get up and go with them to check out the dessert counter and talk to the people there)... really, what i needed to do was sit still and focus on breathing and not feeling as tense and tight in my chest anymore... so that's basically what i did for the first half of the time we were there.

i don't understand this... i'm fine with people i know in small groups, even going new places... i'm fine with large groups of people i know, on the condition it's somewhere i know (e.g. the concert or the movie theater with a large group of friends is fine)... but gradually since this past summer i've gotten more and more reclusive in that i'll avoid (a) situations without people i know (e.g. the grocery store on my own... if i HAVE to go, i'll get in and out as quick as i can, buying only as much as i can carry and get out as soon as possible), and (b) i'll avoid large groups of people in places i don't know well (like tonight)... there's no logical reason for me to have freaked, but both physically and mentally, my body did and it scared me... and it didn't help that of the 8 people i was with, only one believed me when i voiced what was going on.

this was not fun.

i'm going to sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be less traumatic :-P

night.

& etc.

highlights of my day:

*eric and me got barked at by a squirrel... seriously, just walking to the parking lot on campus, we hear a weird "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"/squeaky noise, and look where it comes from and see a squirrel on a ledge... barking(?) at us... we didn't know what to do but laugh

*heather miller called -- she's officially coming to visit in a week!

*the vienna choir boys (see here for a brief history) were live in concert at the local playhouse tonight... they were fantastic... the first half of their concert was various famous pieces of music from gregorian chant on down to more modern stuff... the second half was christmas carols from around the world... MIGHTY impressive!

*after the concert, eric hung out in my room to chat for a couple hours, which was good... always more things to be discussed and all... :-P never a dull conversation... like ever :-P

*now, it's 1am and i *should* be asleep... 3 guesses who i'm talking to and the first two don't count :-P

night y'all!

lists

things that annoy me
(1) people putting words in my mouth contrary to what i really mean/say
(2) combinatorics homework
(3) ricci curvature tensors

things that make me happy
(1) getting christmas mail
(2) phone calls from a certain boy just because
(3) my newly redecorated door:

yay lara!

check this: http://ijmms.hindawi.com/volume-2004/issue-61.html

last article? yup, that's right, my 3rd math publication is officially in print as of last month.... when the last one i have waiting in the publication queue from undergrad finally runs my Erdös number will be a 2 instead of the current 4 it is.

do dah.

later dudes :-P

photo of the day

my hair today -- just because i think it looks cool :-P

motivation

poster on the door of a rutgers CS prof:

motivation -- if a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. the kind robots will be doing soon.

picture here: http://www.thinkgeek.com/cubegoodies/posters/despair/5cd7/zoom/

other favorites:
Mistakes
Despair
Mediocrity
Procrastination
Ambition

enjoy!

& etc.

tired and grumpy, but happy scrubs is on tonight :-P

accomplishment of the day? new all time personal best time for expert level minesweeper: 77 seconds

quote of the day:
(by dr. greenfield, the prof who's been helping the lot of us who failed the qual in august with weekly analysis sessions all semester, of which this afternoon was the last)
"giving you a pep talk is like throwing a pillow at a wall... the rebound is always incredible"

eh

current mood? annoyed with the world at large... i'm mad/frustrated about something i really have no right to be, which means i just stew for awhile until i get it out of my system.... oh joy oh joy

on the other hand, 100+ lucky people will be getting happy christmas cards from me this week... watch your mailboxes (and just so you know, if you don't get one, chances are (1) i don't know you or (2) i don't have your address :-P)

happy... tuesday?

fun with java

up to this point, my experimental math class has involved programming in maple (a language/program used for math computations)

however, last week, lucky me, i worked on some stuff outside of class and got a cool result... see here: http://www.math.rutgers.edu/~zeilberg/mamarim/mamarimhtml/johnson.html on my professor's website, and suddenly my final project for the class was changed.

the problem we want to solve grows exponentially in complexity, (i.e. trying to get output for just slightly bigger input numbers can take TONS longer than just smaller numbers), and maple is no good for it.

my final project? translate the maple program we wrote in class into java (or C++) and see if i can get any better (and quicker) results that way.

you know how long it's been since i've written in java? 3 freakin years... i'm getting back into it, but having looked at it yesterday for the first time in that long, it's not quite as smooth as programming in maple is these days for me... :-P

you know what else i've realized? how much more i talk out loud to myself when i'm programming in non-maple to follow my programming logic...

seriously, when working in maple, i can be blasting music and singing along, and be fine... when working in java, i turn down the music so i can think, and read the code out loud to myself so as to pay attention to what's going on... why is this?

oh joy oh joy :-P later dudes...

christmas-ing

i've been writing cards on and off all week... with just a few more lacking addresses to go...

current progress, take 1



current progress, take 2



yay for knowing *that* many cool people to send happy mail to :-)

my day

• slept til 1pm
  
• wrote christmas cards while still in my PJs til 4pm
  
• finally got my act together sometime between 4 and 5
  
• homework/dinner til 7ish
  
• went to see "fiddler on the roof" at the local playhouse with jared, eric, colleen, and colleen's friend kathleen
  
• played lots with my digital camera
  
• the end
  

more fun with my new digital camera

• sunset out my window, december 1st
  
  
• me and colleen, ready to go see a play :-)
  
  
• just me
  
  
• me, closer up
  
  
• me (again)
  
  
• me (the best one of the bunch :-) )
  
  
• me (yet again)
  
  
• my funky multi-colored eye
  
  
• both eyes
  
  
• colleen in her default photo pose ;-)
  
  

two VERY different movies

tonight was another two movie night... and you can't get much more different than this...

movie #1: eric, scott, ben, scott's friend christina, and i all went to see "closer"... R rated, julia roberts, natalie portman, jude law, clive owen movie.... it was... interesting... not a movie you leave with a "this is done" feeling... rather one you leave the theater going "hmmmmmmmmmmmm"... i know many people who don't plan to see it because it looks however it does, and that's fine... however i also think it's possible to see a flim, hate what the characters stand for and what they're doing, and still think it has a valuable and well-conveyed message... delete a couple scenes where the language was a bit crass, and this movie was such a movie... the point being, if you lie and don't be honest with yourself and others about what you want, everyone gets hurt... that, it conveyed well. ben and eric loved it,.... minus about 3 scenes, i liked it... scott didn't really like it, and i didn't hear many comments out of christina... so much for that.

movie #2: after that, ben and me saw "finding neverland", which i was supposed to see two weeks ago with roommate and dave. warning: bring tissues for the ending if you see this movie. i'd known it had gotten all A reviews on the sites i frequent (e.g. yahoo movies, etc.), so i was expecting a quality film, but i really didn't expect it to get to me how it did... it's based on the life story of the man james barrie (who wrote peter pan), and the way the film transitions so smoothly between imagination and the real world was really cool... the ending, like i said, was poignant though, and when the credits started rolling, i poked ben and just commented "now i really miss nicole again" before resuming crying :-P i highly recommend it, just like i said, i also highly recommend the tissues too :-P

otherwise, it's been a decent day... class, pizza seminar, and some math work aside, eric and i had been "not speaking to each other ever again" for two weeks now, and over the past several days we'd writen like 15-20K each way in emails sorting things out, so we enjoyed 2 hours at starbucks this afternoon laughing and being un-mad again.... yay for that... friends are a blessing indeed :-P

and that's the scoop

night y'all

1,2,3, laugh

this is freakin hilarious:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

enjoy! :-P

my evening in quotes

lara, you're the one counterexample i know to friendship being a reflexive relation. ~ben

greenfield: functions like this didn't exist until the 1600s... they were banned from existing by the holy roman emperor and only brought into existence by martin luther.... the cantor lebesgue function was one of his 95 theses
me: somehow i don't remember that in cathechism class
greenfield: oh... you're lutheran?
me: yup
greenfield: well then, it's a little known fact that cantor lebesgue was the 96th thesis and for some reason they decided not to include it when they taught the theses later

(i walk past the grad director's office, he comes bouncing out of the door, calculator in hand)
me: um... yes?
chuck (weibel): did you know that PGLn (can't remember what number he said) has 42 million (something) thousand (something else) elements?
me: um, that's a freakin lot of elements
chuck: yeah, it is! (throws hands in the air in glee and returns to his office)

wow lara, you sure spend a lot of time looking at books for someone who doesn't know how to read ~leigh

me: what?!? colleen has friends besides us?
leigh: i'm sure she doesn't like any of them quite the same way she likes you though

um, is travis santa claus?... not yet! ~colleen

"here's what i'd write in a christmas card, 'dear boy i like, i like you. merry christmas. i hope you're under my christmas tree'" ~colleen

me: leigh!!!!
leigh: lara!!!!
me: yay! i have you trained!
leigh: woof
me: um, colleen, i think leigh just barked at me