my brother, on plants:

(background: my dad is a horticulturist. i wouldn't be a good kid if i didn't try to manage a few well-behaving houseplants. there are currently 3 survivors that i haven't managed to kill off since moving to NJ. 2 of them are a big leafy kind of plant that seem to be able to survive everything, which is great for me. the third is a gasteria... which is an aloe-looking plant that much prefers being dry. most of the time i ignore it when i'm taking care of the others so that it can continue to pretend it's a desert plant. it's still green and happy looking so i figured i was doing alright by it...

then, this morning i woke up and noticed 3 giant stems sticking out of its pot... ok,
strange, maybe seeds from something else fell into the pot, and should be pulled out? upon closer inspection, the stems were coming from the plant itself, sticking out from between its leaves and looking rather incongruous. soooooooooo, i called my brother, who is excellent at explaining things. here's the gist of our dialouge:)

brother: what's up? you called?

me: got a question!

brother: what's that?

me: either my plant is possessed or it's doing something new that i don't know if i should worry about.

brother: which one? what's it doing?

me: the not-a-pothos that looks like an aloe... what is that?

brother: the gasteria?

me: yes! that one. it looked normal yesterday. now there's 3 footlong stalks coming out from the between the leaves. is it possessed? what is it doing?

brother: what you've got there is probably aerial roots.

me: ew, what does that mean?

brother: it means that even though we told you not to water it much because it likes to be dry, the plant is thinking "hmmm, i think i'm mostly happy, but i could use a little more water", so it springs those things out to drink a little more water from the air than you're giving it directly. you can cut them out of the plant if you want and it'll be fine

me: but i thought i watered it often enough, is that all it could be?

brother: well they look like roots sticking up in the air, don't they?

me: no. they look like little heads of broccoli with very long stems.

brother: ooooh, is your plant reddish brown, or is it still green?

me: still green.

brother: ok, well then it's getting ready to bloom which is cool since dad's gasterias have never bloomed. they do it rarely and sporadically.

me: then what's making MY gasteria bloom when i'm not as good as dad with plants.

brother: plants bloom for two reasons.
(1) they get depressed and think they're gonna die. and since they don't sit there and talk to the other plants they think they're the last one left and need to plant some baby plants before they shrivel up and go extinct.
(2) plants get happy and horny and decide they want to make new plants for fun.
it sounds like you have a happy, horny plant.

me: fantastic. will it get depressed when it finds out that it's sitting on a shelf made out of a chalkboard in a window in NJ and that there's nowhere to plant its spawn?

brother: is the plant red or green?

me: green

brother: then it should stay happy. a green plant is a happy plant!

me: and a sprouting plant is a horny plant... fantastic.

brother: yep, pretty much.

(& etc.)

conclusions to draw from this post:
(1) i do NOT have a green thumb or a fundamental understanding of plants.
(2) my brother is freakin hilarious and the best explainer of things ever.
(3) i have a horny plant in my dining room.

happy friday all!