people, people, people

i am exhausted. not just tired exhausted. like could stay up for hours, but don't want to interact with another human being in any way shape or form for awhile exhausted.

i've been running on low for quite some time, and tonight sealed it.

scott and me talked a lot on the road trip last week about how i should stop overanalyzing why i don't hang out with people outside of formal academic settings more than one at a time anymore, and just start acting on it. i agreed i have a tendency to overanalyze and that maybe i just need someone to "yell" at me nicely but seriously enough to convince me to get out of the house once in awhile. i resolved to at least try to get out a little more, and in the last week i've done moderately ok...

the night after we got back from our trip i had dinner with scott and eduardo (scott i see plenty, i don't think i've hung out with eduardo ever outside of the math building)

earlier this week i was going to do dinner with eric to talk about math, but scott and colleen joined, and i had a decent time with all 3 of them at once.

but last night, there was dinner for a prospective student and there were 8 of us in all, and i went into it in a decent mood but quickly became exhausted, quiet, and overwhelmed.

leigh passed her oral exam yesterday, and her requested celebration was for people to come bowling with her. it's been several years since i last went bowling, but leigh came out to dinner after i passed, so i figured i could at least try to show i cared back. eric and i drove to the alley together in his car, and as soon as we got there i started having a mini social anxiety attack. i understand it's all "in my head" or whatever, but i'm so good at being a hermit anymore, that that's still a huge jump and i'd prefer to be on my own reading or with just one friend chatting and not DO-ing anything. scott bought me a beer and i got over freaking out, but...

scott, ben, and eric took turns entertaining me throughout the evening. there was no one there i'm uncomfortable around (in fact it was *exactly* the list of people in the department i enjoy hanging out with one on one, minus like 2, plus a prospective), but while everyone else loosened up and was being silly and having a blast, i was rather inconspicuous and low key, wishing i wasn't around smoke and so much noise. scott and ben both gave me a bear hug after the last game and were like "YOU SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD JOB!!!!!", to which i started crying on scott's shoulder.

seriously, my people energy is at zero. even though colleen, leigh, and the prospective student staying at my house this weekend were coming back here, i caught a ride back home with eric again since he actually gets me when i'm in this wretched of a mood on account of people -- not anyone doing anything wrong -- people doing everything RIGHT, and i'm just overwhelmed.

usually i care plenty about people,... right now though, in general, i'm just exhausted and run ragged and really need the world to give me a break for a bit. i really have zero energy to input anything more from anyone. i don't know what that makes me, but....

yeah... exhausted.

i think i'm hiding from everything except math for the weekend. -- hope all of YOU have a good one.