this week has been so bizarre.
i barely ever take medicine for anything, except an occasionaly ibuprofen for a bad headache, so being on 3 different kinds of prescription drugs this week has thrown me for a loop.
* penicillin (not so bad, just to keep me from getting infected)
* dexamethasone (also, not so bad, just have to eat with it to keep it from making my stomach hurt... to help with swelling, etc.)
* hydrocodone (pain medicine... the one that's been driving me nuts)
i just finished my last dose of the middle one, and i gave up on the vicodin (hydrocodone) yesterday. my jaw hurts a little, but the pain medicine was making me dizzy, uncoordinated, sleepy, and grumpy... it's hard enough mostly sitting still for several days, but not being able to do much without knocking stuff over and getting upset about it, and not being able to focus enough to read even juvenile fiction made me even more grumpy, so i just stopped taking it. it was the first two that are most important anyhow.
now that i'm just down to penicillin, i hope to get increasingly coherent. i went to work today briefly and did about 20 minutes of stuff in an hour and a half. hopefully efficiency will increase quickly :P
here's the rundown in the near future (aka why i really hope to feel much better in the next two days so i can be productive again):
* interview tomorrow morning with the graduate school dean's office for what could be my 2nd summer job plus extra money during the school year... more on that if the interview goes well.
* REU (the summer research program i've run for the past two years and am doing again) starts monday. goal: be able to at least smile without pain by then :P
* i leave for scotland for the next permutations conference in 9 days... i haven't been coherent enough to prepare my talk yet. hopefully it comes together quickly!
* in other fun, my friend dave (of valpo fame) is going to another valpo friend's wedding in central PA on saturday. i'm not feeling up to going, but he's coming to visit me for church/lunch sunday. in the interest of being a good host, i'm hoping i feel up to more than just sitting around. we shall see. :P
anyhow, the summary is: life gets busy again soon, and i'm surviving... hopefully significantly closer to normal each day... wish me luck!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
random survey
Name 7 things in your bag (or if you're male…wallet/ pocket):
1. wallet
2. ibuprofen
3. travel umbrella
4. pedometer
5. LOTS of pens
6. math book
7. non-math book (i only carry bags large enough to house a travelling library :P)
Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. do math
2. drive
3. sleep
4. walk (or now that i have a bike, perhaps this will change to "go for a bike ride")
5. blast music
6. snack
Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. mango
2. strawberry
3. peach
4. kiwi
5. hungarian sour cherries
Name 4 names you go by:
1. lara
2. la
3. grits
4. daughter
Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. running pants
2. ben and jerry's t-shirt
3. a random array of bandaids (when they tried to get an IV in me to remove my wisdom teeth yesterday, they said i have practically no veins)
Name 2 people you are thinking about right now.
1. eric
2. leigh
(the two who have graciously been taking care of me since the dreaded tooth extraction yesterday)
What are you thinking about right now?
how happy prescription pain drugs are
Where is your phone?
plugged into its charger 2 feet from me
Where do you sleep?
on my bed, in my room, in my apartment in NJ
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
i bought it in vermont on spring break with scott last year
What was the last thing you ate?
peach-flavored applesauce -- flavored applesauce, mashed potatoes, and pudding are basically my entire diet for yesterday and today... exciting, right?
the end.
1. wallet
2. ibuprofen
3. travel umbrella
4. pedometer
5. LOTS of pens
6. math book
7. non-math book (i only carry bags large enough to house a travelling library :P)
Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. do math
2. drive
3. sleep
4. walk (or now that i have a bike, perhaps this will change to "go for a bike ride")
5. blast music
6. snack
Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. mango
2. strawberry
3. peach
4. kiwi
5. hungarian sour cherries
Name 4 names you go by:
1. lara
2. la
3. grits
4. daughter
Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. running pants
2. ben and jerry's t-shirt
3. a random array of bandaids (when they tried to get an IV in me to remove my wisdom teeth yesterday, they said i have practically no veins)
Name 2 people you are thinking about right now.
1. eric
2. leigh
(the two who have graciously been taking care of me since the dreaded tooth extraction yesterday)
What are you thinking about right now?
how happy prescription pain drugs are
Where is your phone?
plugged into its charger 2 feet from me
Where do you sleep?
on my bed, in my room, in my apartment in NJ
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
i bought it in vermont on spring break with scott last year
What was the last thing you ate?
peach-flavored applesauce -- flavored applesauce, mashed potatoes, and pudding are basically my entire diet for yesterday and today... exciting, right?
the end.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i survived!
dude,
so glad this morning is over... will be super glad when a few more days are over.
i got so many stories from so many people of what it's like to be put unconscious for getting teeth out. none of them applied.
they got an IV in me (after several attempt... apparently my veins are super hard to stick so i've got quite an array of bandaids on my arms).
my face/mouth were completely numb, and there was an IV in me the whole time to keep me calm, but i was completely conscious and aware of what was going on the whole time. i made unhappy noises at them when i heard the teeth popping out. i kept hearing i would be completely unaware, and yet i remember it all quite clearly. very odd experience. i think i'm actually happier that i wasn't knocked out completely. i was the most paranoid about that.
so now, i'm not drowsy, just unhappy with how my jaws feel and with having a ton of gauze in my mouth for the rest of the day.
eric wins a prize for being super helpful today. the worst is apparently over, and i'm glad i survived. :P
and that's the update.
the end.
so glad this morning is over... will be super glad when a few more days are over.
i got so many stories from so many people of what it's like to be put unconscious for getting teeth out. none of them applied.
they got an IV in me (after several attempt... apparently my veins are super hard to stick so i've got quite an array of bandaids on my arms).
my face/mouth were completely numb, and there was an IV in me the whole time to keep me calm, but i was completely conscious and aware of what was going on the whole time. i made unhappy noises at them when i heard the teeth popping out. i kept hearing i would be completely unaware, and yet i remember it all quite clearly. very odd experience. i think i'm actually happier that i wasn't knocked out completely. i was the most paranoid about that.
so now, i'm not drowsy, just unhappy with how my jaws feel and with having a ton of gauze in my mouth for the rest of the day.
eric wins a prize for being super helpful today. the worst is apparently over, and i'm glad i survived. :P
and that's the update.
the end.
it's wisdom tooth day....
we are NOT excited....
on the upside, in 3 hours, it'll all be over.
update eventually.
on the upside, in 3 hours, it'll all be over.
update eventually.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
it is fun...
...to surprise/confuse students outside of campus.
today, on the way home from church, i stopped at sports authority to buy lights for my bike so that i can ride it after dark if i want. as soon as i walked in the door, i ran into an employee -- one of my smartest students from the calc 3 course i TAed last fall. he was absolutely stunned to see me and to my "hi chris!" responded with "what are you doing out here?". we chatted for 5 minutes before i went to get my bike lights and move on with my day, but it never ceases to amuse me:
students are happy to cross paths on campus outside of class, and seem content to see you there. students are always surprised to run into you "in the real world" as if you don't exist when not within several hundred feet of the math building... and yet we do. :P
i guess i never had this problem since i grew up with my mom being one of my grade school teachers. i knew she had a life away from school, and furthermore, many of my teachers early on were her friends, so i saw them informally a lot. it seems for a lot of the world though, school and away-from-school life are two things that don't occur to them actually mix. this amuses me.
the end.
today, on the way home from church, i stopped at sports authority to buy lights for my bike so that i can ride it after dark if i want. as soon as i walked in the door, i ran into an employee -- one of my smartest students from the calc 3 course i TAed last fall. he was absolutely stunned to see me and to my "hi chris!" responded with "what are you doing out here?". we chatted for 5 minutes before i went to get my bike lights and move on with my day, but it never ceases to amuse me:
students are happy to cross paths on campus outside of class, and seem content to see you there. students are always surprised to run into you "in the real world" as if you don't exist when not within several hundred feet of the math building... and yet we do. :P
i guess i never had this problem since i grew up with my mom being one of my grade school teachers. i knew she had a life away from school, and furthermore, many of my teachers early on were her friends, so i saw them informally a lot. it seems for a lot of the world though, school and away-from-school life are two things that don't occur to them actually mix. this amuses me.
the end.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
$$, crashing, and other such fun
other roadtrip inspired post:
when i left TN, the average price of gas was $2.93, in kentucky $3.07, and in southern indiana gas was $3.28. overnight, while i was in indy, gas jumped 30 cents and the lowest i could find for most of tuesday and wednesday was $3.59 for regular grade. luckily prices went down the further i went east, and in NJ i got it for $2.89 today, but this is motivation.
last year, when the prices in NJ briefly spiked above $3 i started taking the bus to campus. now, they're certainly going to go above $3/gallon and for even longer. i love driving, and i'm glad i have my car for getting to church and longer trips, but... i've finally motivated myself to do what leigh did last year: buy a bike. with a front basket, it'll be able to handle most of my local errands, and it should be able to get me to campus and back, unless i need to be super nice looking for a talk or something... the summary is, i wanted to cut down on gas by switching to a bike for as much as is reasonably possible.
so today was bike purchasing day. scott is a bike expert so i brought him with me to look. amazingly enough, the sales interaction went something like this.
store manager: "hi, can i help you?"
me: "yes, i'm just looking for a hybrid to get around highland park... hopefully not more than $300-400."
store manager: "ah! wait! you are a tall woman! i have the perfect bike for you!"
she immediately ran over to a corner and pulled out a 2006 gary fisher tiburon ( see http://www.fisherbikes.com/bikes/bike_detail.asp?series=path&bike=Tiburon and click on the picture for the stepthrough model, then picture it in blue and silver instead of black and silver)
it's a 20" bike, and it's apparently hard to find people tall enough to buy that size of a women's bike, so she was stoked to have me in her store, and i was happy for a good deal: $249!
scott thinks i got a good deal, i'm happy it's blue and comfy, so life is good.
i think i posted months ago about riding leigh's bike and having issues with brakes and not understanding gears... got that out of the way today too. while riding and experimenting, instead of grabbing the brakes i accidentally upped the gear and crashed into a tree (oops). at any rate, yay for a new cheaper way to get around town. really, once i've gone the equivalent of 8 tanks of gas (or even sooner as prices rise) in miles on the bike, it will have earned its money back.
hooray for new bike.
end of ramble. :P
when i left TN, the average price of gas was $2.93, in kentucky $3.07, and in southern indiana gas was $3.28. overnight, while i was in indy, gas jumped 30 cents and the lowest i could find for most of tuesday and wednesday was $3.59 for regular grade. luckily prices went down the further i went east, and in NJ i got it for $2.89 today, but this is motivation.
last year, when the prices in NJ briefly spiked above $3 i started taking the bus to campus. now, they're certainly going to go above $3/gallon and for even longer. i love driving, and i'm glad i have my car for getting to church and longer trips, but... i've finally motivated myself to do what leigh did last year: buy a bike. with a front basket, it'll be able to handle most of my local errands, and it should be able to get me to campus and back, unless i need to be super nice looking for a talk or something... the summary is, i wanted to cut down on gas by switching to a bike for as much as is reasonably possible.
so today was bike purchasing day. scott is a bike expert so i brought him with me to look. amazingly enough, the sales interaction went something like this.
store manager: "hi, can i help you?"
me: "yes, i'm just looking for a hybrid to get around highland park... hopefully not more than $300-400."
store manager: "ah! wait! you are a tall woman! i have the perfect bike for you!"
she immediately ran over to a corner and pulled out a 2006 gary fisher tiburon ( see http://www.fisherbikes.com/bikes/bike_detail.asp?series=path&bike=Tiburon and click on the picture for the stepthrough model, then picture it in blue and silver instead of black and silver)
it's a 20" bike, and it's apparently hard to find people tall enough to buy that size of a women's bike, so she was stoked to have me in her store, and i was happy for a good deal: $249!
scott thinks i got a good deal, i'm happy it's blue and comfy, so life is good.
i think i posted months ago about riding leigh's bike and having issues with brakes and not understanding gears... got that out of the way today too. while riding and experimenting, instead of grabbing the brakes i accidentally upped the gear and crashed into a tree (oops). at any rate, yay for a new cheaper way to get around town. really, once i've gone the equivalent of 8 tanks of gas (or even sooner as prices rise) in miles on the bike, it will have earned its money back.
hooray for new bike.
end of ramble. :P
what now???
so, alas, i'm back in jersey. it's been a long but fun week: 3 days in the car, interspersed with a day in indy with tammy and a day in toledo with alliswan, both of which were great visits.
while driving on the indiana toll road on wednesday though, i was listening to the radio, and heard the following:
36 percent of men on online dating websites are looking for a woman who......
(can you guess it?... scroll for answer....)
...makes more money than he does.
reaction: what the heck?
i can totally understand not wanting to date a gold-digger, or whatever have you, but whether you're the guy or the girl, i find seriously looking for more money than you have as a top dating priority atrocious. it's nice to have means to do things, but... whatever happened to pride in work, and valuing what you've earned? and just because you find someone with more money than you (regardless of gender) doesn't mean it's yours to spend. heck, i'm a grad student, i make close to zero money, so just about everyone makes more than me, but i don't expect anyone to support me but me.
people never cease to amaze me.
am i alone on this? are the statistics people crazy? what's your reaction?
the end.
while driving on the indiana toll road on wednesday though, i was listening to the radio, and heard the following:
36 percent of men on online dating websites are looking for a woman who......
(can you guess it?... scroll for answer....)
...makes more money than he does.
reaction: what the heck?
i can totally understand not wanting to date a gold-digger, or whatever have you, but whether you're the guy or the girl, i find seriously looking for more money than you have as a top dating priority atrocious. it's nice to have means to do things, but... whatever happened to pride in work, and valuing what you've earned? and just because you find someone with more money than you (regardless of gender) doesn't mean it's yours to spend. heck, i'm a grad student, i make close to zero money, so just about everyone makes more than me, but i don't expect anyone to support me but me.
people never cease to amaze me.
am i alone on this? are the statistics people crazy? what's your reaction?
the end.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
plans... and reality
oi... what a day.
the plan:
(1) wake up early enough and call scotland during business hours to reserve a room at the same place a friend of mine is staying my last night there in june
(2) lunch with my friend rose
(3) run through city vehicle inspection quickly
(4) work for several hours at the central library (i've been hanging out there all week typing up math)
instead
(1) i got up early and called the hostel my friend cathleen got a reservation at 2 days ago, and they insisted that i was crazy and that they don't have openings then because students are still in school in the dorms... so attempt to secure lodging for 30 pounds for the night (about $60) failed... i'm to the point of not caring and just booking with the holiday inn express that's a 2 minute WALK from the glasgow airport for the one night. it may cost 70 pounds, but i won't have to worry about finding transportation at 3-4am, and they start serving breakfast at 4am too... it's a lot of money, but it may be worth it for a 6am departure on an international flight.
(2) i did have lunch with my friend rose. she's from my church in memphis, and although she's retired, you wouldn't know it with all the things she does... she truly has the gift of organization. plus, she went to high school with elvis (they were in the same graduating class), so she's full of fun stories from the past too. i like going out with her the one or two times a year i'm in town.
(3) i DID go to vehicle inspection too, but it sucks. if you live in the memphis city limits (i still am a TN resident as long as i'm a student), you have to take your car through city inspection to renew your license plate. this isn't like in most states where you go to a certified mechanic. they have a garage with city employees who (a) check that all your headlights/turnsignals/etc work properly, (b) check your emissions levels, and (c) do an emergency brake test. this test consists of putting your car in drive, pulling up the emergency brake, and then hitting the gas... and your car isn't supposed to go anywhere.
i got in line at 1pm, and made it into the garage at 1:45. they started with the emergency brake test, and the lady insisted that my car was smoking whenever i hit the gas, so she instantly failed me.
~~~that's one hour down the drain.~~~
so, irritated, i drove back to my suburb and went to my parents' mechanic... they checked the car out, adjusted the brakes as tight as can be so that there was no way they'd fail, but said that the car inspection woman was crazy because there was absolutely no signs of oil leak or anything else that could cause smoke, and they couldn't recreate the problem. luckily i had my laptop with me, so i got a little work done, but mostly gossiped with the other people in the waiting area.
~~~that's two hours down the drain.~~~
i went back home to get some water, and check how late the inspection station was open before going out again. on my way out of the driveway, i ran into my next door neighbor. he's nearly 90 years old, and i hadn't seen him around the last two times i'd been in town, so we sat at the foot of the driveway for 30 minutes and chatted. this is by no means a waste of time, but it explains how it was nearly 4pm before i got back to the inspection station for more fun...
at 4pm i got in line at the vehicle inspection station. i was 20th in line. i got into the inspection garage at 5:02, and passed the test without a problem. in the lane right next to the lady who failed me before. with absolutely nothing done about the smoke. everyone knows city inspection is a joke. i just hate that it cost me most of an afternoon that could have been profitably spent getting work done!
now?
the office and scrubs season finales are tonight... I CAN'T WAIT!... and tomorrow can't be nearly as annoying as the past 4 hours were. SO GLAD it's freakin over with.
the end.
the plan:
(1) wake up early enough and call scotland during business hours to reserve a room at the same place a friend of mine is staying my last night there in june
(2) lunch with my friend rose
(3) run through city vehicle inspection quickly
(4) work for several hours at the central library (i've been hanging out there all week typing up math)
instead
(1) i got up early and called the hostel my friend cathleen got a reservation at 2 days ago, and they insisted that i was crazy and that they don't have openings then because students are still in school in the dorms... so attempt to secure lodging for 30 pounds for the night (about $60) failed... i'm to the point of not caring and just booking with the holiday inn express that's a 2 minute WALK from the glasgow airport for the one night. it may cost 70 pounds, but i won't have to worry about finding transportation at 3-4am, and they start serving breakfast at 4am too... it's a lot of money, but it may be worth it for a 6am departure on an international flight.
(2) i did have lunch with my friend rose. she's from my church in memphis, and although she's retired, you wouldn't know it with all the things she does... she truly has the gift of organization. plus, she went to high school with elvis (they were in the same graduating class), so she's full of fun stories from the past too. i like going out with her the one or two times a year i'm in town.
(3) i DID go to vehicle inspection too, but it sucks. if you live in the memphis city limits (i still am a TN resident as long as i'm a student), you have to take your car through city inspection to renew your license plate. this isn't like in most states where you go to a certified mechanic. they have a garage with city employees who (a) check that all your headlights/turnsignals/etc work properly, (b) check your emissions levels, and (c) do an emergency brake test. this test consists of putting your car in drive, pulling up the emergency brake, and then hitting the gas... and your car isn't supposed to go anywhere.
i got in line at 1pm, and made it into the garage at 1:45. they started with the emergency brake test, and the lady insisted that my car was smoking whenever i hit the gas, so she instantly failed me.
~~~that's one hour down the drain.~~~
so, irritated, i drove back to my suburb and went to my parents' mechanic... they checked the car out, adjusted the brakes as tight as can be so that there was no way they'd fail, but said that the car inspection woman was crazy because there was absolutely no signs of oil leak or anything else that could cause smoke, and they couldn't recreate the problem. luckily i had my laptop with me, so i got a little work done, but mostly gossiped with the other people in the waiting area.
~~~that's two hours down the drain.~~~
i went back home to get some water, and check how late the inspection station was open before going out again. on my way out of the driveway, i ran into my next door neighbor. he's nearly 90 years old, and i hadn't seen him around the last two times i'd been in town, so we sat at the foot of the driveway for 30 minutes and chatted. this is by no means a waste of time, but it explains how it was nearly 4pm before i got back to the inspection station for more fun...
at 4pm i got in line at the vehicle inspection station. i was 20th in line. i got into the inspection garage at 5:02, and passed the test without a problem. in the lane right next to the lady who failed me before. with absolutely nothing done about the smoke. everyone knows city inspection is a joke. i just hate that it cost me most of an afternoon that could have been profitably spent getting work done!
now?
the office and scrubs season finales are tonight... I CAN'T WAIT!... and tomorrow can't be nearly as annoying as the past 4 hours were. SO GLAD it's freakin over with.
the end.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
home is where...
see, i think i've made this post before, and come to a completely different conclusion than i'm about to make.
the dictionary has many definitions for home:
applicable ones being:
1 a : one's place of residence
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
tennessee used to be all four of those to me. with as much as i traveled back and forth for college, i then said i have two homes.
now, with as much as i travelled in early grad school, for years, i've totally adopted definition 3 as the prominent one: home is anywhere where my friends or family are, so the world is my home.
but now, i think my definition is changing.... this is a first.
yesterday i went to my old grade school to pick up my mom's paycheck (she's gone with her class on their class trip to st. louis, she teaches 8th grade at the school i went to for K-8). i know almost all the faculty and staff, so the office manager, the daycare manager, and the few teachers nearby were all very excited to see me, and all gave me hugs. then one of them asked:
"so, does this still feel like home?"
and without thinking for even a second, i answered the reflex answer of
"no, not really."
to which one of them said
"oh, of course, you're kidding!"
they wouldn't believe me! and i was being honest!
let's look at the definitions one at a time, shall we?
1 a : one's place of residence
really, i live in NJ now. sure, that's temporary until grad school is done, but the bulk of my stuff, the bulk of my people interaction, the largest concentration of my friends in one place is now there.
yes, i have my own room in tennessee still, but it's largely empty, and the family uses it for other things while i'm gone (brother for an escape room, dad for a plant greenhouse, mom for an alternate place to get ready in the morning when dad takes too long in the downstairs shower.) i don't get mail here. i don't have many obligations here. although i'm still a tennessee resident legally speaking as long as i'm a student, let's face it, it's not where i really live.
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
for many many years, that's where TN was. the thing is, my family DOES live here, and have their social unit. but the longer i'm gone, the less i really am a part of that. they rearrange things and do things differently and i'm at a loss for where to find basic stuff around the house. i don't fit into their schedules. sometimes dad tries to just assume i'm back to being high school me as soon as i walk in the door; show no interest in what i should be up to for work, and try to make me want to go back to doing tons and tons of chores for him, but that's not me. i don't really fit into this paradigm anymore.
furthermore, the friends that were my extended family while in town have largely spread out to new locations too, so even those circles, though familiar and fun, are located elsewhere too.
funny as it is to say, the "family unit" i'm most a part of these days is my grad school circle, not my blood family.
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
here's the argument that's kept me saying tennessee is home for the past 8 years since i moved out: "home is where the heart is, so everywhere my friends and family are is my home". tennessee certainly is familiar to me. i know it full well. i know many people around here. people get excited to see me. really, and that's good.
but i'm only around 2-4 weeks out of the year. a lot of people have moved away, a lot of new people have moved in, and even the old ones get married, divorced, have kids, etc. there are some constants, but SOOO many of the people that are now part of the local close-knit community are strangers to me. the people who have been around and know me forever assume i just fit, but really, in context, i feel like an extra puzzle piece. like maybe even a puzzle piece of the same scenery as here, but belonging to a different puzzle. i don't feel unwelcome or like i don't fit. but life has moved on in my many absences, and i don't feel like i just have a natural spot anymore. this is a recent revelation.
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
i guess this is the one definition that tenneessee will always have. it's where i grew up from age 5 on, and for all intensive purposes, it will always be my "place of origin" that shaped me growing up. but that's not a home you feel or don't feel, that's a fact that just is.
so really, if a place used to be home, and now only is "home" in the past, can you really still call it home if it's not "home" in the present tense? i'm starting to think not.
the end.
the dictionary has many definitions for home:
applicable ones being:
1 a : one's place of residence
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
tennessee used to be all four of those to me. with as much as i traveled back and forth for college, i then said i have two homes.
now, with as much as i travelled in early grad school, for years, i've totally adopted definition 3 as the prominent one: home is anywhere where my friends or family are, so the world is my home.
but now, i think my definition is changing.... this is a first.
yesterday i went to my old grade school to pick up my mom's paycheck (she's gone with her class on their class trip to st. louis, she teaches 8th grade at the school i went to for K-8). i know almost all the faculty and staff, so the office manager, the daycare manager, and the few teachers nearby were all very excited to see me, and all gave me hugs. then one of them asked:
"so, does this still feel like home?"
and without thinking for even a second, i answered the reflex answer of
"no, not really."
to which one of them said
"oh, of course, you're kidding!"
they wouldn't believe me! and i was being honest!
let's look at the definitions one at a time, shall we?
1 a : one's place of residence
really, i live in NJ now. sure, that's temporary until grad school is done, but the bulk of my stuff, the bulk of my people interaction, the largest concentration of my friends in one place is now there.
yes, i have my own room in tennessee still, but it's largely empty, and the family uses it for other things while i'm gone (brother for an escape room, dad for a plant greenhouse, mom for an alternate place to get ready in the morning when dad takes too long in the downstairs shower.) i don't get mail here. i don't have many obligations here. although i'm still a tennessee resident legally speaking as long as i'm a student, let's face it, it's not where i really live.
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
for many many years, that's where TN was. the thing is, my family DOES live here, and have their social unit. but the longer i'm gone, the less i really am a part of that. they rearrange things and do things differently and i'm at a loss for where to find basic stuff around the house. i don't fit into their schedules. sometimes dad tries to just assume i'm back to being high school me as soon as i walk in the door; show no interest in what i should be up to for work, and try to make me want to go back to doing tons and tons of chores for him, but that's not me. i don't really fit into this paradigm anymore.
furthermore, the friends that were my extended family while in town have largely spread out to new locations too, so even those circles, though familiar and fun, are located elsewhere too.
funny as it is to say, the "family unit" i'm most a part of these days is my grad school circle, not my blood family.
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
here's the argument that's kept me saying tennessee is home for the past 8 years since i moved out: "home is where the heart is, so everywhere my friends and family are is my home". tennessee certainly is familiar to me. i know it full well. i know many people around here. people get excited to see me. really, and that's good.
but i'm only around 2-4 weeks out of the year. a lot of people have moved away, a lot of new people have moved in, and even the old ones get married, divorced, have kids, etc. there are some constants, but SOOO many of the people that are now part of the local close-knit community are strangers to me. the people who have been around and know me forever assume i just fit, but really, in context, i feel like an extra puzzle piece. like maybe even a puzzle piece of the same scenery as here, but belonging to a different puzzle. i don't feel unwelcome or like i don't fit. but life has moved on in my many absences, and i don't feel like i just have a natural spot anymore. this is a recent revelation.
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
i guess this is the one definition that tenneessee will always have. it's where i grew up from age 5 on, and for all intensive purposes, it will always be my "place of origin" that shaped me growing up. but that's not a home you feel or don't feel, that's a fact that just is.
so really, if a place used to be home, and now only is "home" in the past, can you really still call it home if it's not "home" in the present tense? i'm starting to think not.
the end.
Monday, May 14, 2007
it's official....
... my wisdom teeth are coming out tuesday, may 29th at 11am.
let the paranoid panicking begin!
let the paranoid panicking begin!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
walking in memphis, etc.
what a week!
friday and saturday i was in chicago, sunday back in jersey, monday and tuesday driving to TN, and now i'm here for a couple weeks.
highlights
* i had lunch with jenny (one of only a very small handful of HS friends i still keep in touch with regularly) in DC on monday. i was SO excited it worked out.
* stayed with roommate in durham, NC on monday night. this included dinner with some of her NC friends, and minigolfing... lots of fun :)
* tuesday, we visited the american museum of science and energy in oak ridge, TN on the way over. i hadn't been there in like 10 years, but it's still as fun as ever
* eric's with me for the next week just to see memphis, so i'm having fun playing tour guide. yesterday we actually saw the march of the ducks at the peabody hotel (they keep 5 ducks in a duck-penthouse on the hotel roof, and every morning they play the king cotton march while the ducks ride down the elevator then run across a red carpet and dive into the fountain in the hotel lobby... i'd seen the ducks in the fountain before, but not their grand morning entrance. it was hilarious). we met elvis presley's personal tailor at his shop in the same hotel. we visited the national civil rights musuem (which has expanded to a second building since i was last there. they now own both the hotel where king was shot, and the building that the shooter was believed to have shot from), and walked the riverwalk on mud island. it was a quality day.
* dad is already making life interesting. i'll ignore all the anecdotes from yesterday i could share and just put the most recent one. last night, mom moved dad's truck to a different spot in the driveway because it was blocking hers. dad got ready to leave for work this morning, and couldn't figure out how to start it since the steering wheel was turned, which had locked the ignition. after 10 minutes, he came back inside and glared at me and asked if i could skip showing eric around today to drive him to work and on the errands he needed to run. i asked if i could try to start the truck instead. he told me he doubted i could, and he would be really mad if i broke the key, but i took the key out of his hand, went outside, and in 10 seconds had it going just fine. he was shocked.... and irritated with me for succeeding. to his "how on earth did you do that?" i replied "dad, i drove an ancient nova for 6 years... i can convince old cars to do lots of things." he groaned and left. my dad. ha.
but now, here's the real connundrum of the day:
i got a call from one of the rutgers graduate school deans yesterday offering me the chance to apply for a more active role in the graduate school. namely they have a program specifically running pedagogy programs for teaching assistants and one of the 2 graduate student staff people who works on that is graduating this summer, so they want me to apply to be her replacement. i'm excited about this and it sounds like fun, but....
they want a writing sample to include in my formal application.
i write a lot, but most of it is either (a) informal, such as blogging, writing mass emails, etc., or (b) technical... because, face it, math papers are a very different kind of prose than humanities/social science papers.
so i write, i'm fully capable of writing, but what does a mathematician submit as a writing sample? i really don't know! current best thought is that maybe i'll write a short essay about something random (suggestions?) and submit that as well as one of my recent papers. any better ideas?
the end... for now. :P
be parties one and all.
friday and saturday i was in chicago, sunday back in jersey, monday and tuesday driving to TN, and now i'm here for a couple weeks.
highlights
* i had lunch with jenny (one of only a very small handful of HS friends i still keep in touch with regularly) in DC on monday. i was SO excited it worked out.
* stayed with roommate in durham, NC on monday night. this included dinner with some of her NC friends, and minigolfing... lots of fun :)
* tuesday, we visited the american museum of science and energy in oak ridge, TN on the way over. i hadn't been there in like 10 years, but it's still as fun as ever
* eric's with me for the next week just to see memphis, so i'm having fun playing tour guide. yesterday we actually saw the march of the ducks at the peabody hotel (they keep 5 ducks in a duck-penthouse on the hotel roof, and every morning they play the king cotton march while the ducks ride down the elevator then run across a red carpet and dive into the fountain in the hotel lobby... i'd seen the ducks in the fountain before, but not their grand morning entrance. it was hilarious). we met elvis presley's personal tailor at his shop in the same hotel. we visited the national civil rights musuem (which has expanded to a second building since i was last there. they now own both the hotel where king was shot, and the building that the shooter was believed to have shot from), and walked the riverwalk on mud island. it was a quality day.
* dad is already making life interesting. i'll ignore all the anecdotes from yesterday i could share and just put the most recent one. last night, mom moved dad's truck to a different spot in the driveway because it was blocking hers. dad got ready to leave for work this morning, and couldn't figure out how to start it since the steering wheel was turned, which had locked the ignition. after 10 minutes, he came back inside and glared at me and asked if i could skip showing eric around today to drive him to work and on the errands he needed to run. i asked if i could try to start the truck instead. he told me he doubted i could, and he would be really mad if i broke the key, but i took the key out of his hand, went outside, and in 10 seconds had it going just fine. he was shocked.... and irritated with me for succeeding. to his "how on earth did you do that?" i replied "dad, i drove an ancient nova for 6 years... i can convince old cars to do lots of things." he groaned and left. my dad. ha.
but now, here's the real connundrum of the day:
i got a call from one of the rutgers graduate school deans yesterday offering me the chance to apply for a more active role in the graduate school. namely they have a program specifically running pedagogy programs for teaching assistants and one of the 2 graduate student staff people who works on that is graduating this summer, so they want me to apply to be her replacement. i'm excited about this and it sounds like fun, but....
they want a writing sample to include in my formal application.
i write a lot, but most of it is either (a) informal, such as blogging, writing mass emails, etc., or (b) technical... because, face it, math papers are a very different kind of prose than humanities/social science papers.
so i write, i'm fully capable of writing, but what does a mathematician submit as a writing sample? i really don't know! current best thought is that maybe i'll write a short essay about something random (suggestions?) and submit that as well as one of my recent papers. any better ideas?
the end... for now. :P
be parties one and all.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
hooray!
me: yo eric!!!
eric: yo!!!
me: i'm excited! guess what!
eric: um, you like talking to me on the phone?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: it's sunday?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: we're going to tennessee tomorrow?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: hmm, i don't know what could be more exciting than that... what?
me: it's sunday, we're going to TN tomorrow, AND we see roommate in north carolina tomorrow night.... AND now we have super exciting lunch plans with memphis jenny in washington DC!!!!
eric: really, she's the one who studies spiders, right?
me: yep! see, aren't YOU excited too?
eric: i AM. yay, tennessee.
eric: yo!!!
me: i'm excited! guess what!
eric: um, you like talking to me on the phone?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: it's sunday?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: we're going to tennessee tomorrow?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: hmm, i don't know what could be more exciting than that... what?
me: it's sunday, we're going to TN tomorrow, AND we see roommate in north carolina tomorrow night.... AND now we have super exciting lunch plans with memphis jenny in washington DC!!!!
eric: really, she's the one who studies spiders, right?
me: yep! see, aren't YOU excited too?
eric: i AM. yay, tennessee.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
what do you think?
i just had an hour long debate with two of my grad school friends about artificial intelligence.
my advisor purports that one day computers will be doing all the math, and will be thinking on a higher level than us, so scott asked me why that doesn't seem to especially bother me. if my advisor's prediction of the future is true, we'll all eventually be out of jobs as mathematicians, and i should be worried.
i responded that i'm not particularly worried because i'm not 100% convinced that artificial intelligence, in the sense of consciously independent machines is guaranteed to happen, and even if it did it would be so off in the future as to be unreal. i'm not arguing that it's impossible, but i'm skeptical about whether it's guaranteed. mostly, because i'm not 100% sure what "creativity" really is. scott or eric would define it to be something algorithmically complex and computationally irreducible, but still realizable out of a sufficiently complex program. whereas i'm not convinced one way or the other that it's something that can be automated.
halfway into the conversation (eric and scott both believe conscious machines will happen, eric puts it a at least a hundred years away though), eric commented "oh! of course! you refuse to believe in AI because you're religious! that would kinda negate your whole idea of soul."
which bothered me but took me 15 minutes to phrase myself. honestly, religion didn't enter my mind in the conversation until he threw out that idea. my response?
i believe that there's a physical world that we interact with daily, and the physical world contains many abstract concepts, a moral code, etc., but that there's a whole other spiritual world as well. what makes humans have a "soul" is that we have a spiritual world analog, whereas i don't think that dogs, insects, etc. have a spiritual world analog. the question of AI doesn't become a religious question to me unless thinking machines somehow have a spiritual world analog, which i don't think they would. so to me, the key question is still: "what is creativity? is it algorithmic, given a complex enough computational environment? or it is independent of computation and can be simulated, but not wholly redeveloped?" i'd need to be convinced that creativity can be an emergent property of an automated system before i believed 100% that conscious machines are possible, and i'm not convinced yet.
what do you think?
(or have i scared you all away from words? :P)
my advisor purports that one day computers will be doing all the math, and will be thinking on a higher level than us, so scott asked me why that doesn't seem to especially bother me. if my advisor's prediction of the future is true, we'll all eventually be out of jobs as mathematicians, and i should be worried.
i responded that i'm not particularly worried because i'm not 100% convinced that artificial intelligence, in the sense of consciously independent machines is guaranteed to happen, and even if it did it would be so off in the future as to be unreal. i'm not arguing that it's impossible, but i'm skeptical about whether it's guaranteed. mostly, because i'm not 100% sure what "creativity" really is. scott or eric would define it to be something algorithmically complex and computationally irreducible, but still realizable out of a sufficiently complex program. whereas i'm not convinced one way or the other that it's something that can be automated.
halfway into the conversation (eric and scott both believe conscious machines will happen, eric puts it a at least a hundred years away though), eric commented "oh! of course! you refuse to believe in AI because you're religious! that would kinda negate your whole idea of soul."
which bothered me but took me 15 minutes to phrase myself. honestly, religion didn't enter my mind in the conversation until he threw out that idea. my response?
i believe that there's a physical world that we interact with daily, and the physical world contains many abstract concepts, a moral code, etc., but that there's a whole other spiritual world as well. what makes humans have a "soul" is that we have a spiritual world analog, whereas i don't think that dogs, insects, etc. have a spiritual world analog. the question of AI doesn't become a religious question to me unless thinking machines somehow have a spiritual world analog, which i don't think they would. so to me, the key question is still: "what is creativity? is it algorithmic, given a complex enough computational environment? or it is independent of computation and can be simulated, but not wholly redeveloped?" i'd need to be convinced that creativity can be an emergent property of an automated system before i believed 100% that conscious machines are possible, and i'm not convinced yet.
what do you think?
(or have i scared you all away from words? :P)
