the dictionary has many definitions for home:
applicable ones being:
1 a : one's place of residence
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
tennessee used to be all four of those to me. with as much as i traveled back and forth for college, i then said i have two homes.
now, with as much as i travelled in early grad school, for years, i've totally adopted definition 3 as the prominent one: home is anywhere where my friends or family are, so the world is my home.
but now, i think my definition is changing.... this is a first.
yesterday i went to my old grade school to pick up my mom's paycheck (she's gone with her class on their class trip to st. louis, she teaches 8th grade at the school i went to for K-8). i know almost all the faculty and staff, so the office manager, the daycare manager, and the few teachers nearby were all very excited to see me, and all gave me hugs. then one of them asked:
"so, does this still feel like home?"
and without thinking for even a second, i answered the reflex answer of
"no, not really."
to which one of them said
"oh, of course, you're kidding!"
they wouldn't believe me! and i was being honest!
let's look at the definitions one at a time, shall we?
1 a : one's place of residence
really, i live in NJ now. sure, that's temporary until grad school is done, but the bulk of my stuff, the bulk of my people interaction, the largest concentration of my friends in one place is now there.
yes, i have my own room in tennessee still, but it's largely empty, and the family uses it for other things while i'm gone (brother for an escape room, dad for a plant greenhouse, mom for an alternate place to get ready in the morning when dad takes too long in the downstairs shower.) i don't get mail here. i don't have many obligations here. although i'm still a tennessee resident legally speaking as long as i'm a student, let's face it, it's not where i really live.
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
for many many years, that's where TN was. the thing is, my family DOES live here, and have their social unit. but the longer i'm gone, the less i really am a part of that. they rearrange things and do things differently and i'm at a loss for where to find basic stuff around the house. i don't fit into their schedules. sometimes dad tries to just assume i'm back to being high school me as soon as i walk in the door; show no interest in what i should be up to for work, and try to make me want to go back to doing tons and tons of chores for him, but that's not me. i don't really fit into this paradigm anymore.
furthermore, the friends that were my extended family while in town have largely spread out to new locations too, so even those circles, though familiar and fun, are located elsewhere too.
funny as it is to say, the "family unit" i'm most a part of these days is my grad school circle, not my blood family.
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
here's the argument that's kept me saying tennessee is home for the past 8 years since i moved out: "home is where the heart is, so everywhere my friends and family are is my home". tennessee certainly is familiar to me. i know it full well. i know many people around here. people get excited to see me. really, and that's good.
but i'm only around 2-4 weeks out of the year. a lot of people have moved away, a lot of new people have moved in, and even the old ones get married, divorced, have kids, etc. there are some constants, but SOOO many of the people that are now part of the local close-knit community are strangers to me. the people who have been around and know me forever assume i just fit, but really, in context, i feel like an extra puzzle piece. like maybe even a puzzle piece of the same scenery as here, but belonging to a different puzzle. i don't feel unwelcome or like i don't fit. but life has moved on in my many absences, and i don't feel like i just have a natural spot anymore. this is a recent revelation.
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>
i guess this is the one definition that tenneessee will always have. it's where i grew up from age 5 on, and for all intensive purposes, it will always be my "place of origin" that shaped me growing up. but that's not a home you feel or don't feel, that's a fact that just is.
so really, if a place used to be home, and now only is "home" in the past, can you really still call it home if it's not "home" in the present tense? i'm starting to think not.
the end.
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