all in a (qual) day's work

i figure if i do well tomorrow, i'll have plenty to say, but if i don't, you won't ever hear about the "fun" i'm going through with my friends this week.

today and tomorrow is the 2 day extravaganza known as written quals. this is a 2 day test that's supposed to be your chance to prove you know the material from first year classes exceedingly well. if you don't pass the first try (fall of your 2nd year), you have to pass on the 2nd try or your out of the program.

a little on scoring to make the rest of my current rant slightly more comprehensible. today from 9am til noon, we had 9 problems. we had to do the first 3, and got to choose 3 of the remaining 6. same format tomorrow. each problem you do gets graded on a scale from 0 to 10 points. generally getting 70 or more points over the 2 days guarantees you pass.

today, i felt good leaving the test (i turned in 5, 3 of which i felt moderately good about), but as happens for everyone, once you start discussing problems with other people you realize silly mistakes or start second guessing yourself... for that reason, i'll say i got 1 problem for sure, and will not bet on anything else.

if you want to see the kind of fun they put us through.... this morning's half of the exam looked like this:





after that fun, at least i can be thankful that my math guys take care of me... as soon as i got home from the test, scott IMed me to ask what people were doing for the rest of the day, with a "p.s. i really want to go on a road trip!"... of course i was game, and although leigh, colleen, eric, and jared passed it up, ben came with us,.... me, scott, and ben on a day trip -- as if we don't have enough stories of the 3 of us already from the rest of the summer....

one hitch... so i was supposed to pick up scott and have him read stop that ball to me before we picked up ben, who was running some errands on campus -- we had a great time with the book, it was our first time to read it... however, leaving scott's house, i, in my tired state from waking up every 45 minutes from how hot our apartment was last night, backed straight into their mailbox... the mailbox was at an angle, and scott fixed it, but otherwise ok... the spoiler on the back of my car now has a deep 4-5 inch gash through the paint job... thankfully the spoiler is plastic and not metal, so although it looks retarded, it won't rust. anyhow, after that event, we decided ben was in charge of driving for the day (in my car), and i was in charge of switching out the CDs :-P...

we had no plan other than to head north, which we did... we took 287 (the biggest interstate loop around NYC, up to the last new york exit before a toll to cross the hudson, then chose an arbitrary highway to go from there... we ended up at a state park around a lake with a lot of swans and just chilled, happy to be away from the math building, until it looked like a major storm was about to start...

then, we took the long way back to jersey, dealing with added traffic on account of the republican convention starting on top of regular rush hour = absolutely insane... we stopped for slurpees at a 7-11 halfway back (scott had never had a slurpee EVER before! -- weird wisconsin boys....), and then they treated me to dinner at the diner that has the best cheesecake in jersey before we all went back home... it was a quality day; if nothing else, just good to get away from math for awhile.

now, here it is midnight, and my apartment is still sweltering hot -- and this is me, who has the only room with a ceiling fan, and it's been on max speed for the past week! -- .. up in 7 hours to do the same 9-noon fun... only this time i'll be done with it in 12 hours, and in 24, or at most 48, i should know the outcome.... dum dum dum.

we shall see.

night.

11 hours and counting

in 11 hours, i will be 20 minutes in to my first of two 3 hour bouts with written quals... i am not excited.

earlier in the summer it was hard to get motivated -- for just about everyone, but suddenly when most of us made it back to campus at the start of august, quality group study time began...

up until a week ago i was hoping to be prepared enough to at least have a shot at the borderline between passing and not, but the stress of the past week got to me... i didn't study at all last sunday through late yesterday -- the first half of that on account of being out of town (which i don't feel bad about at all), the last half of that on account of being asleep and recovering from the first half of the week (i go back and forth feeling bad about that)... the truth is though -- when a test is supposed to test a year's worth of work, you can't learn much in the last 24 hours.

so today has been review... i don't know nearly as much of the qual syllabus material as i should, but there's a few types of problems that if they show up, i should be able to solve... the problem is in general you need to solve 7 problems right over the 12 you do in 2 days... that's a bit much of a stretch for how much i know i know.

it's interesting to watch how different people work under stress... i was working dedicatedly earlier today, and as it gets towards bedtime, i'm ready to crash, get up early to review some key formulas, and call it a night...

a few of the guys just gave up earlier, but i get the impression that they're back at it again tonight, cramming in last minute facts.

colleen claims to have been resigned to failure for awhile, but insists on studying so that she knows she studied as much as possible when she tells her family how she did.

i don't know what philosophy is best. i just know that at noon tomorrow, i'll be ready for a nap,... but no matter how the morning goes, tomorrow afternoon is study again to dredge through the system again on tuesday... we are NOT excited.

biggest fear right now? being the ONLY person from my class to fail.

is it ironic that i keep hearing the last bit of "casey at the bat" in my head?

we shall see.

night.

a song

these are the words to a song that i think is absolutely perfect for this week... "hard to get" by rich mullins... it's songs like this that make him my favorite lyricist ever...

trivia: this song comes off "the jesus demos", a tape of songs he made on his own to prepare for the CD he was in the middle working on when he was killed in a car wreck in 1997. the whole disc is kinda haunting/amazing just for that, but yeah...

like i said, i think these words are just perfect right now, enjoy:

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

magnet poetry

for some reason, i have the "christian" version of those refrigerator magnets that have words for you to make poetry... this leads to some interesting word choice... nonetheless, here's my attempt at bad poetry this week.

last saturday:
bad life
ghost world
temptation to never hope
deliver of dark
heavy song
want strength

today:
patient for
freedom & peace
weep but believe
evil is over
rejoice & embrace
joy in knowing
when death forever die
pray always eternally
to resurrect

one more quote

BlkDeth 13: hey cutie
lkp 42 42 42: i don't know if that's the word for me right now :-P, but hi
BlkDeth 13: it's ALWAYS the right word.
BlkDeth 13: *nods*

quote of the day

lkp 42 42 42: thanks for being my pew buddy wednesday
davrbeagle: you're welcome. I'm glad I could be Lara's Lara. ;-)

(quote from tuesday that puts that into context :-P -- kristin's dad comes home, chats with me and her late at night... kristin's dad (to kristin): "thanks for letting me have some time out tonight -- that group was my lara today")

i am now a common noun as well as a proper one -- how about that :-P

advice

my 7th grade cousin's advice on quals:

s---8117: omg i hope u guys do good
s---8117: study hard
s---8117: as ur lil cuz i want u 2 do great on that test and ace it
s---8117: lol
s---8117: well make sure u git good rest a great breakfast and try ur hardest
s---8117: yeah
s---8117: i will b prayin 4 all u
s---8117: ppl
s---8117: tell every1 4 me good luck and try ur best

moving on

so much for sleep... the opinion of the grad director earlier today was "so, don't do anything today -- go home, eat lots of vegetables, go to sleep early... then try to study for an hour or two tomorrow... same sunday... try to take the test... the way it sounds, you'll find a way to be mad at yourself no matter what you do about the qual, so you might as well take it, and hey, maybe you'll surprise yourself and do better than you anticipate, although i'm sure you'll find a reason to be frustrated with yourself then too!"

after that, i went to ben's place for a couple hours. he was put in charge of a barbecue tonight for the incoming first year grad students since he's like the only older student who still lives in the grad dorms on campus; i kept him company and ate watermelon

i have a headache and didn't feel like meeting new people so i'm home and ben's bringing me leftovers whenever things finish up there.

i've been living since wednesday with a mountain of stuff on my floor -- from packing in a hurry late sunday night, and from just dumping what i came back with on the floor and leaving it there. sorted through that, found needing-to-be-paid very soon bills, and am ready to collapse again -- at least i can see my floor, right?

i don't know about this taking the exam thing... i mean i'd feel like i'm making excuses if i didn't take it next week; but i also feel like there's no way to get the energy i need to do well, and i've been out of math mode for nearly a week now, which is not helping either... several other people are convinced they won't pass this time either though, so at least i'll have company, right?

on the other hand, i'm sitting here, with the bulletin from kristin's mom's funeral sitting on my desk, because i want to save it and i don't have a better place for it (that's where the bulletin from nicole's funeral was all last year)... it's beautiful... the cover has a sunset over the ocean and says "Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:39"... the whole service was beautiful -- focused on the resurrection and "happy easter karen!" (kristin's mom)... i'm glad i was able to make it out there to grieve with kristin and her dad and be as helpful as i could for the 3 days i was there... i know that the focus of the funeral is the right focus -- that kristin's mom is in heaven now, and for the first time since she contracted polio 50 years ago, she is pain free! on the other hand it hurts -- not only am i sad to see her go; even more it's so hard to see my best friend go through so much pain. the past year was plenty trying for both of us for various reasons. it started out with losing nicole, and got increasingly stressful from there. but now, her mom, one of her best friends, is gone -- and so quickly too... it hurts me to see her have to sort through so much pain.

so yeah, i continue to be bummed... it's gonna take awhile... so be it.

tomorrow is back to math day... tonight is nurse my headache and be a bum night. later.

ode to naptime

me: (staring blankly into space)
mike: (staring at me)
me: what?
mike: sorry, i can't help it; i really miss your smile
me: oh... you might have to wait a few weeks to see it again...

at least i have good friends around here, right?

since i've been back from ohio, i've been asleep 80% of the time... at least i vary location... wednesday night, i slept in my bed til 2pm... ran errands with ben's help (i wasn't coordinated enough to be trusted to drive), then curled up on the couch at my place for an hour before we went to the guys' house for dinner... there, i immediately curled up on scott's bedroom floor while people cooked and chatted... after leigh, colleen, and i got home, i curled up on the couch again to fall asleep to a movie, and ben came to join me... i almost fell asleep on ben's shoulder during the movie, but colleen came in to ask ben "dude, did she actually fall asleep again", and that startled me and woke me up... after the movie, i did fall asleep on ben's shoulder for an hour and a half before i decided my room was much less warm on account of my ceiling fan, and had been asleep again there until just now.... seriously, i've been awake for about 6 hours total since i got back.

i am a slacker... everyone else is taking a practice qual right now at the math building since that takes place monday and tuesday... i, on the other hand, woke up over an hour after they started and have been in comfy clothes in my room since...

i have a meeting with the grad director this afternoon... i plan to say "so, you know where i've been this week... i'm exhausted and drained, and no matter what i do, my first priority is sleep for the next week... if you were in my situation, what would you do about the qual?" we'll see how that goes..,.. because heck, if i take the test next week like i probably should, there is not a chance that i'm awake or coherent enough to pass. so be it.

so yeah, that's me right now -- a tired, grumpy, exhausted bum... isn't that fun?

current status

my away message last night:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the past 24 hours of my life?
3-7 am: longest night's sleep since saturday; 7-9am: up and getting ready; 9am-1pm: visitation for kristin's mom; 1-2:30pm: kristin's mom's funeral; 2:30-3:30 funeral dinner; 3:30-5 rode to toledo airport; 5-6 checked in for my 5:55 flight, got frisked for the 3rd time in as many days because i'm apparently a security risk; 6-7:30pm: waited for 1.5 hours in a po dunk ohio airport on account of bad weather; 7:30-9pm: flew to chicago; 9pm-12:30am: waiting around chicago on account of weather, when i should have left at 10; 12:30-2:20: flew from chicago to jersey; 2:20-3: rode back home in eric's car; 3-3:30am ice cream/lara's life stinks right now party with eric

summary: completely exhausted and totally drained, asleep until further notice; unless you want to give me a huge hug, give me space :-P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

since then? asleep from 4am-1:30pm... now to figure out what i want to do besides curl up in a ball.

oh, i also came back to this mass email to the math dept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thyagaraju "Raju" Chelluri (1977-2004)

We regret to inform you that Raju Chelluri was killed on
Saturday, August 21, by an Amtrak train at the New Brunswick station.
He was a graduate student in the mathematics department at Rutgers.

Funeral services will be conducted on Friday August 27, at the
Franklin Memorial Park Mausoleum, located on Route 27 in North Brunswick
(just South of Cozzens Lane, call 732-545-4184). During 11:00AM-1:00PM
there will be a family visitation; a Hindu ceremony will begin at 1:00PM
and the cremation will be at 1:45PM.

Next Monday, August 30, a grief counselor will lead a discussion at 1:30PM
in our Graduate Student Lounge (H701, Hill Center). Additional grief
counseling is available from the Rutger College Counseling Center (932-7884).
The department plans to commemorate Raju on September 10.

A police brief about his death has appeared in the Home News:
http://www.thnt.com/thnt/story/0,21282,1034264,00.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i didn't know raju, but i have friends who did.... it's gonna be a weird week.

a whirlwind of a day

i have been awake for 35 hours straight... but going strong... the last 23/24 hours are nothing at all what i would have expected them to be at this time yesterday.

8:15pm: i call roommate to see how her day is going, our call gets dropped mid sentence and i call back and leave a voicemail (this happens... neither of us are places where we get excellent reception)

8:45pm: roommate calls to tell me that just after we hung up before (just 30 minutes before) her mom died peacefully... we cry together on the phone for a bit

10pm: after sobbing for awhile on the porch, roommate calls back with specific funeral details and requests i show up monday morning/by lunchtime (this is at 10pm sunday night)

10:30pm: completely unpacked and needing to do laundry, i schedule a 6am flight that requires me to leave for the airport at 4:30am

11pm: i proceed to cry and freak out about the situation at hand... eric and me go on a field trip to pick up scott (who doesn't have a car) so he can eat ice cream with me and read me kids books

11:30pm: while we're out, me, scott, and eric stop by ben's place and kidnap him

12 midnight: scott and eric make root beer floats for us all, eric and scott read go dog go and fox in socks to cheer me up a little... the four of us (eric scott me and ben) laugh quite a bit

1am: eric and scott go home -- i'm exhausted, my eyes are bloodshot, and i have 3 hours to pack...

1-4am: ben decides to stay the night and make sure i don't freak out about packing on short notice on so little sleep... we watched "brother bear" while my laundry was going, and he made grits while i showered and packed

4:30am: a mere 8 hours after i got word about kristin's mom, i'm letting ben drive me in my car to the airport

6-8am: fly from newark to chicago

8am-11am: layover in chicago, midway

11am-noon: fly from chicago to toledo, OH

since then, when roommate and her dad picked me up at the airport, we've been running errands... first a mennonite buffet lunch place, then we went to pick out the flowers for the arrangement that will be on the casket this week, then went to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director for kristin's dad to sign a lot of papers... kinda surreal all in all.

other than that, i do whatever they're putting me to work doing and spend a lot of time playing with their dog and 4 cats... kristin's dad gave me the job of reserving a rental car and a hotel room for the florida part of their week...

all that said, it's gonna be a looong rest of the week:

tomorrow: wake/visitation from 1-5pm, 7-9pm.
wednesday: visitation from 10am-1pm, funeral from 1-2, i fly in reverse of what i did this morning, leaving toledo at 6pm and getting to newark for eric to pick me up at 12:30am (i.e. at night)
thursday: kristin and her dad will fly to florida, as will her mom's casket...
friday: they'll have a graveside burial service in clearwater, florida... kristin has several school friends from SC who will be there, and the ticket prices are pretty insane, so i won't be there for that part.

in the meantime, more errands and stuff with roommate -- back in touch when i'm back in jersey.

social experiement # 827

today i wore all black... black swishy pants, black sandals, black t-shirt, black pull-over hooded sweatshirt, black sunglasses... all black.

mostly because it was comfortable and it was a little chilly in the shade, nothing more.

however, i find it extremely amusing on days when i wear all or mostly black, the reactions that i get. (i used to wear lots of black a lot more often than even now... see below, picture of me from mid-9th grade)





so here's the rub... i find it funny that here are the reactions i got:
*leigh tells me that she thinks nothing of it unless i'm wearing a trenchcoat
*colleen tells me i'm fine if i wear all black because i look too friendly to be scary
*scott has no reaction whatsoever
*eric immediately goes "what on earth are you wearing?" and looks at me like i'm disturbed and has nothing more to say the rest of the day.

if i were wearing all blue or all red or all gray, there would be all scott's reaction -- i.e. none... what is it about black that freaks people out?

i find this highly amusing.

the end.

for the kids...

kids sermon at church today was cute... it was about things that can't be shaken.

pastor calls the kids all up front, and throws one a baby rattle, one an unpopped bag of microwave popcorn, and another a bottle of water, all of which they can shake and make noise with... they have a regular rhythm section going...

the pastor asks them all "so who can tell me something that is unshakeable?"

(blank stares all around from all the short people :-P)

pastor: "no one, really? none of you can think of anything?... fine, all of you, get up, and come on a little walk with me"

(he marches all the kids to the back of the church to one corner where there's a big pillar that reaches to the ceiling, has all the kids put their hands on it, and tells them on the count of 3 they're going to shake the church building... on the count of 3 they all sincerely try, and all the sudden, one little 3 year old voice chimes out above everything "pastor! what if we can't do it???")

*that* got them talking.

it was great.

the end.

away message last night:
tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs

response:
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}

next away message:
Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}
after that and real hugs from ben and colleen, we'll make "that tired, drained, and in need of about 999,994 hugs"

response:
alliswan42: .....BEEP....uh, hello, this is Chuck from the Hug-o-matic e-hugs delivery service...I received a purchase order for 999,994 hugs...I do believe that we have only about half that in stock right now...I sincerely hope that the 99,999.4 hugs per week over ten weeks installment plan is agreeable with your people...if you have any questions or complaints, call (419) 571-3811 and ask for Chuck...have a good day....BEEP

conclusion:
yay for friends. :-)

i've also determined that i have the ideal study buddy right now... a year ahead of me, and thus has already passed quals, can answer all my questions, and isn't spazzing like the rest of my friends actually taking the qual... also gives good hugs and makes an excellent pillow... and makes good rootbeer floats :-) ... and watches chick flicks... and explains math stuff in little words that don't confuse me. :-) yeah... yay for friends who are good at helping me cope with life right now indeed :-)

drained

my day:
wake up
breakfast, shower, etc.
go to math building, and find ben
lunch with ben to discuss my life and give me a pep talk for my meeting with dr. greenfield later on
take scott on an emergency run to his house in my car with ben driving and me freaking out and eating my lunch in the passenger seat :-P
meeting with dr. greenfield (see note 1)
wandering around the math building
meeting with dr. weibel (see note 1 as well)
math at the park with ben
math at the park with ben, eric, scott, leigh, and colleen
playground with ben
pizza with all the above people
talked to roommate (see note 2)
started out watching a movie, but road to perdition really got to me so i went to my room 15 minutes in
complained to ben about stress for awhile :-P
bedtime story with leigh and colleen
now, i'm sitting here blogging while i wait for water to boil to make sweet tea for tomorrow ;-P

now, you really wish you were me, eh?

i am so tired and drained... and in need of about a million hugs.

i learned a lot of math today, but did a lot of thinking about non-math too... two footnotes:

(1) dr. greenfield is the previous math grad director, known for being one of the most personable and sympathetic profs in the department... ben and scott made me email him yesterday to see when he'd be around so that no matter that i'd never really sat and talked with him before, so that i could sit down and tell him how life is these days and that i might have a potential conflict with the qual in another week and a half.
his immediate reaction, "how DO you study when you have this much going on outside of math?.... your friend's story sounds like a horrible horrible joke -- that shouldn't happen to any family..."
our meeting was half an hour long (ben, after pep talk right before my meeting was worried i was about to come out in tears from a chat he expected to take 10 minutes), but ended in greenfield giving me a list of nice parks in the area to study at. :-) can't ask for better than that.

after venting about life to greenfield he said i should also talk to weibel, which i did... not nearly as sympathetic... definitely under 10 minutes of chat, but now... instead of like earlier in the week telling roommate "so any time you need me, other than the 30th and the 31st from 9 til noon, just say the word and i'm there", i can now take out the conditional clause... this is good.

(2) the reports from roommate about her mom aren't the most encouraging, but not drastically different from expected at this point either... they transfered her mom to a nursing home back in OH near their home yesterday... this was traumatic b/c she had a hard time staying flat on her back that long without understanding why she had to do it. today she was less responsive than before, just not reacting to things or showing recognition. this is such a sad, quickly developing, and frustrating story, i don't have much else to say right now.

in summary: life is stressful, but yay for good friends who give lots of excellent hugs. :-)

night y'all

update

so yesterday, kristin's family was told that her mom had either mad cow disease (no treatment possible), brain cancer (slim chances for treatment), or a brain infection (very treatable).

this morning, the neurologists informed them that the oncologists/neurologists yesterday were trying to give them hope, but an infection is not really what's going on.

what does this mean? whatever is going on (either brain cancer or mad cow disease) is untreatable. kristin's mom has not been eating since last thursday... when things get finished up at the hospital, they're taking her to hospice care at home to die hopefulyl comfortably at home.

kristin's taking the semester off to help her dad sort out life through christmas time.

i've told her any time she needs me other than 9-noon on the 30th and 31st (quals) i'll be there. looks like i make my next visit to ohio a lot sooner than i thought.

i sincerely doubt in the state things lie right now that i have the concentration to study enough to pass quals in 12 days. this means i will fail and if i don't pass in january, i'm out of the program.

people seem confident i can pass in january.

you know what though? i am first and foremost a friend to all my friends, and secondly an aspiring mathematician. at least this gives me reason for why i'm going to fail in two weeks besides the fact that i don't know enough yet, eh?

so yeah, prayers for kristin's family.

the end.

lists

complex, real, algebra, linear algebra -- things i need to learn a lot more about in the next 12 days

mad cow, brain cancer, rare brain infection -- current guesses as to what's wrong with roommate's mom

putting in a feeding tube, mri, and brain tissue biopsy -- procedures her mom has to go through in the next week

tired, drained, praying for a miracle -- words that currently describe me

keep roommate and her family in your prayers.

fun with a camera

i've been so good about studying lately -- today though, it didn't happen.

i was up til 2 last night and then leigh was knocking on my bedroom door at 7:45 this morning right AS my alarm was going off... i staggered out of the room, splashed water in my face, and then drove her to the uhaul place closest to here...

turns out, for wanting to stock a new apartment, we got a pretty sweet deal... leigh lives in a furnished apartment with a couple from greece... when she told them she was moving out and about to go furniture shopping, they told her to check the basement and take old stuff off their hands for free (we're going to pay them something anyhow)... out of our basement explorations this weekend, we picked 2 bookcases (one for videos, one for board games), a TV stand, a recliner, and a sleeper sofa for the living room... and leigh got a twin size bed and a nice desk out of the deal for herself... not bad for "free", eh?

anyhow, all that stuff picked out, ben, eric, leigh, and i spent the morning unloading things from the basement and getting them into the uhaul... getting the sofa out of the basement was quite the complicated trick and we thought when we shut the uhaul and drove off we had finished the hardest part -- we were wrong...

at our new place, we have the 2nd floor of a 2 story place. when you go in the front door of the house, you immediately are standing between two more doors, one for downstairs, one for us, so to get anything in, you have to make about a 45 degree angle between two doors which are no more than 3 feet apart and then immediately go up a flight of stairs... it was tricky enough to get a recliner through at that angle that the sofa had no hope...

on the other hand, in the back of the house we have a service stairwell that goes all the way up to the attic (storage) and all the way down to the basement (laundry/boiler room)... it's narrower than the first stairwell and it makes a 180 degree turn every 6 steps, BUT it didn't have the weird angle double door problem, so we figured we'd try it... it turned into an "only 3 people can get close enough to handle the sofa" deal, but they told me to take pictures because it was such a crazy job, and i got stuff out of the way as they went (light fixtures off the ceiling, etc.) before the upward bound sofa broke them... surprisingly, the sofa made it up (with some minor damage to the stairwell, but shhh don't tell tony (the landlord)... we'll fix it later) without having to be sawed in two like we were worried about.

anyhow, many hours later, leigh treated us to fudruckers for a late lunch... by the time i did other errands (filling out rebate stuff for this new computer, etc.) it was late afternoon... i went home for an hour while eric went home to practice horn... when we met up again at 7 for walmart and blockbuster (he paid $15 for unlimited rentals for a month... in the last 5 days we've seen big fish, amelie, fantasia 2000, and the fighting temptations... we rent 2, then trade them in for free... tonight's selections: intolerable cruelty and road to perdition) we were too tired for math...

eric had a red lobster gift certificate from the place he bought his car this summer and ever since he got it he told me he planned to share it with me... so before we went to watch movies, we had crab there :-) and for way cheap... by the time we made it back to my place it was 10:30, and the funny thing about having furniture now is that people use it instead of staying in their rooms ;-) so colleen and leigh were watching men's gymnastics finals on the olympics... we finished that with them, and finally at 11:30, started intolerable cruelty which had me worried a little at first but turned out to be decent... road to perdition is later in the week.

that's the scoop on my day.

if you're following the roommate story -- saturday was a rough day, but sunday was a really good one... waiting on some tests to come back, but unless they amazingly suddenly reveal something the doctors can treat, her mom is being transfered to a nursing home in ohio by wednesday... we shall see...

finally... why am i still up 2 hours after the movie is done? fun with my new computer of course... see the new apartment here:
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/photoalbum.html#house enjoy!

kudos to ben for being the first person to actually give me a hug/rub my shoulders in the whole freakin insanely stressful past two weeks

the end

in other news...

just when you thought life couldn't get any more frustrating...

roommate called today... after a week's worth of extensive testing at the university of michigan hospital the doctors there determined that her mom's case of delirium is unprecendented, unreversible, and untreatable... they recommend that she be put in a nursing home next week.

la is sad.

keep the hunsingers in your prayers.

dude

What Kind of Geek are You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your IQ is	quite high
You are a	computer geek
Your strength is	you actually have social skills
Your weakness is	caffine
You think normal people are	strange
Normal people think that you are	satanic
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New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

ok, so was that scary or what? i hope the last one is false, but the rest were eerily good :-)

later dudes.

movin right along

so today i didn't get any math done, but it was good.... did miscellaneous stuff around the house all morning and half the afternoon til eric made it over from getting his car fixed up (oil change, new tires, etc. as to be expected from driving cross country in one shot)

once eric was around, denny's for breakfast for late afternoon lunch... then circuit city... we examined the machines for a bit while the sales guy was finishing up with another customer and eric commented that what he paid extra for last year speed and storage wise on his computer looks to be pretty standard and he was amazed.... compare the specs:

old computer?
not even a pentium 1 processor, 1G of storage space, 16M of RAM

new computer?
pentium celuron processor, 80G of storage space, 512M of RAM

further advantages?
* i opted to get an LCD screen instead of the standard kind since the current monitor with the old machine doesn't show colors right (red comes and goes, and things get a bluish tint sometimes too) and it's the 3rd one attached to that tower that's developed that problem... i'm tired of it... so yay LCD and seeing colors right!
* sooo much faster! (i've been oohing and aahing all night about how much more quickly things happen and that the colors are all there and eric keeps laughing because these are things one should expect from a computer that i've been living without for quite some time :-P -- other eric quote of the day:
eric: (down the hall, salvaging some stuff from my old machine) *laughs hysterically*
me: dude, what's wrong with you?
eric: BIOS version 1.008... how can you still be running a machine with BIOS version 1.008... you should seriously take a picture of the startup screen -- that's so freakin hilarious)
* CD burner, DVD player both already built in, plus a series of jacks on the front of the machine already set up for digital cameras, etc. to plug in.
* new printer that came with the deal that i won't have to sit on the floor with and jam one sheet at a time into

only 2 minor frustrations so far
(1) i've spent so long with windows 98, which i know forwards and backwards, that XP goofs me up... things i could mindlessly click to and find before, i now have to go searching for... that'll just take time though
(2) as a result of #1 it took much longer than it should have to finally convince my old scanner (an HP scanjet 2100C) and the computer proper to play along nicely with each other... but,... i did ultimately succeed.

...and here it is 3am and i'm still up... my sleeping schedule is sooo off... :-(

anyhow, time to pretend to sleep... i actually have plans to tomorrow to do math studying with leigh so that i do get work done... math party at barnes and noble -- don't you wish you were invited? ;-P

night y'all.

mental breakdown, anyone?

today didn't start off all bad... we got internet at the new house, i got my room decorated and it looks completely awesome... and etc.... this afternoon's where things got painful...

(1) roommate's mom had a bad afternoon... she was good all morning, then had a spinal tap and after that things went downhill for the day... she was in pain and didn't recognize anyone, and roommate was tired and taking turns with her dad so that someone was in the hospital with her mom all night... yuck :-(

(2) more specifically on the lara front, when we got internet, i hooked up my desktop... promptly 10 minutes later it crashed.... that's what it's done all day... and is about to do again... so i tried to start up my laptop and it was fine for a bit, until i started trying to configure our new router through it, did a restart and since then, it freezes and then turns itself off before it even boots windows!... i can't deal with either of them... my desktop is at least 10 years old though and my laptop is going on 6, so i knew they needed replacements,... i was just hoping they'd hold out until i had money to afford replacements, ya know?

in summary, when my machines both basically died within 6 hours of each other (what are the odds of that?) (one i can't turn on, the other i can for 15 minutes at a time), i threw the laptop across the room (which probably didn't help it), and called eric, and related the situation... he said he'd help me find a new computer, but first we should sit still for a bit and chat about it before we went spending money i already don't have.... that was around 7:30/8pm tonight... (this was time #1 i was in tears today)

since then, eric and me went to subway for dinner and took out my angst on sandwiches and he both listened to me rant for a bit, and convinced me it was good to sleep for a night and calm down before going to spend $$... instead we rented movies... big fish (which i had seen before and he hadn't) and amelie (which he had seen before and i hadn't)... while at blockbuster we ran into john and his girlfriend emily and while explaining my evening, i waved my arm to gesture while talking (something i do frequently), and dislodged a whole shelf of videos, sending them all over the floor -- perfectly in keeping with my day... (this is time #2 i was in tears today)

the story only gets more woeful from here if you're starting to wonder about my sanity... eric and i watched big fish, and then before amelie, went to make popcorn... since colleen was grading papers for the class she teaches in the same room as we were watching the movie, i asked her what kind she wanted and she voted for kettle corn... i made popcorn, took it out of the microwave, freaked out that it didn't say kettle corn on the bag (and thought i had messed up) and ended up crying about that for another 5 minutes before eric convinced me that wasn't worth being upset over...

in summary, my breaking point/tolerance for stress right now is exceedingly low.

tomorrow, after eric runs lots of errands, it's a pizza and computer shopping party... tomorrow night i'll have a brilliant new computer... all with only $8 in checking... but hey, if i'm already in the 5 digits in debt, what's another thousand going to hurt? at this point, i really really really don't care.

night y'all

an ending

this is it: so long to 280 river rd. apt. 77B... i finish this post, close down my computer, turn in my keys to the office and head out.

it's funny... this hasn't been a bad place to live, but i'm not sad to leave it either like some past places (and there have been many... 3 houses with my family, and my river rd. apartment is the 7th place i've lived on my own/with roommates besides that)... i guess it's been functional, but it's not been exactly home...

last night, in the new house, with my room finally painted and half my stuff moved in, i slept for 10 hours... this is the first time i've slept longer than 7 hours in my own bed in well over a year... maybe i'm weird, but i attribute that to the fact that living with friends now, no matter what is going on, my new place is safee, happy, and comfortable for me... i can talk to the people i live with about just about anything and they genuinely want to know how i'm doing.... amanda's been a good roommate; we just never talked about anything.

updates on the rest of life? money's still tight... as indicated above, the painting my room thing finally happened... kristin's mom got moved to the university of michigan hospital for further testing and so experts can try to figure out what's wrong with her... things are hobbling by alright.

last night, to make things moderately happier, nathanael called for an hour. he was one of my church/bible study buddies in budapest. he's in colorado finishing his engineering degree... this was the 2nd time we've talked since europe... the first being in march... however for both of us, i think there's just something extremely nice about being able to vent to someone who knows you moderately well but is not involved in any of your life by any stretch of the imagination for a bit... both times we've talked, we've had really good chats... so it cheered me up to just ramble at him and to listen for quite awhile... yay for friends. :-)

now, to get on outta here... internet at the new place tomorrow.

later dudes

life

so, here's the scoop... i am exceedingly frustrated, stressed, sad, etc. this week... bad/frustrating situations in progress?

*keep roommate and her family (roommate = kristin, my valpo roommate, and one of my best friends ever) in your prayers -- major things are going on with her mom right now and her mom was checked in to the hospital yesterday afternoon to deal with them... i don't know how much i'm at liberty to say, but i'm really feeling for her mom and for roommate since i'm talking to her at least daily about how things are going there...

*health issues with my grandma -- when i visited her last saturday it took her 10 minutes to realize i was here and stop talking to the wall instead... this is new... i feel guilty because after how this visit last week went, i don't know if i ever want to visit her again all by myself... every time i've seen her in the past year she's been markedly worse and that scares me... as opposed to the previous three years where she'd have bad days and good days, despite the strokes, and you'd find her on an occasional good day that it was encouraging to come back again.

*quals -- i am so not prepared yet and so frustrated with how much i have yet to do.

*moving -- it took 4 days to get all my stuff moved across town, with eric helping every day, and various other people helping intermitently besides... i'm tired, sore, and not ready to organize my life in the new house yet

*other responsibilities -- it struck me this morning that i'm in charge of pizza seminar this year and i've done nothing yet... i have to start harrassing people to find speakers in the next couple weeks

*money troubles -- enough said... too much to pay and i don't get paid til september... it's going to be a long and stressful month

there are some positives though

*i'm now moved into a new house with colleen, and leigh comes back tomorrow -- i have roommates who will read kids books with me (were instituting nightly bedtime story time... _fox in socks_ was our first pick and _go dog go_ will be tonight) and who i can actually talk to when i'm stressed... the living situation will improve once (a) my room gets painted and i can really move into it, and (b) we all get our stuff settled... we'll have cable and internet there starting tuesday

*i have good friends... even after 15 days trapped in a car with me, eric's spent 4 days helping pack and is helping me deal with even more stuff later today... scott, colleen, and others have been particularly helpful lately too.

*i am finally moved except for my laptop, a chair, and a fan -- that's good, right? :-P

so yeah, that's the scoop lately... if you don't hear from me, it's because i'm doing a lot of hiding out and dealing with only 1 person or 2 at a time to stay calm... it's ok -- just check back in a month.

adventures in moving

it's going... far from done, but i'm making progress

conundrum #1: how do you move a full size bed 6 miles down the road from one second story apartment to another?

solution: take apart the bed yourself, then buy 100 feet of rope and make eric and scott do the rest for you...
they did it last night by tying one mattress at a time on the roof of eric's new car and driving slowly across town... my bed is now safely assembled at my new place

conundrum #2: how do you get hot water set up at the new house?

solution: figure out how to turn on the gas-powered boiler in the basement -- pretty sure we haven't figured that part out yet... yay cold showers? :-(

conundrum #3: how do i get the rest of the stuff to my new place when i'm tired and sore?

solution: very slowly, and hopefully before i'm supposed to be out of here (my old place)... and solicit for volunteers! -- any of you close to jersey who want free meals courtesy of me and my credit card, let me know and i'll put you to work :-P

and that's a wrap... carli rossow should be here any time now to have some fun for the day -- this will be good :-)

later dudes.

art

the finished masterpiece:
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/roadtrip.html

qual study party in an hour -- this is going to make me cry

are we there yet?

what a day...

went to sleep at 4:30am, woke up (on my own, not with a clock) at 9:30, and started packing immediately... my clothes are at the new house and my closets are now 80% empty... all my books and board games (seriously over 2 bookcases full of books) are all gone now too... my room is still a mess, and basically a mountain of stuff... i worked straight until 4:30pm before giving up for the night... so now, pretty sure i'm absolutely exhausted. i am NOT looking forward to the repeat performance tomorrow.

moving in is a little off too b/c the landlord needs to repaint my room from the previous tenant so i can't put anything on the walls or against them until he has time for that this weekend.... this is not a fun game.

on the other hand, eric has earned the title of hero of the month i think. he survived 3960 miles in the car with me, and being around me just about 24/7 for 2 weeks without getting more than occasionally minorly annoyed... now here, the first day we're back and he could get a break from lara, he showed up on my doorstep just before noon and with a smile cheered me up a bit and packed his car full of my stuff... he intends to do the same tomorrow -- 3 mighty cheers for eric.

gone to pick up the final two rools of film from my roadtrip... later dudes :-P

let the insanity begin!

i wrote the most brilliant blog entry ever when i was in detroit friday night... full of all kinds of chipper details of the rest of the trip; unfortunately, eric's g-ma's webTV didn't like the "publish" button to submit that entry, so it's lost... never fear though, i'm working on a wesite to take care of the trip details, so i'll be brief... top 3 ironies/humorous events:

(1) apparently i hum in my sleep and never knew until i hummed loud enough to wake up eric the first two nights on the road... i called roommate and she told me i've been doing that sporadically for years and she never thought it important enough to tell me... dude, i hum songs in my sleep -- how weird is that :-P

(2) apparently eric's great-great-great grandfather built the farm house next door to the house i grew up in (i.e. i grew up playing hide and go seek in an old house his faily's had pictures of for years and wondered how to find for geneology/family history research)... this fact, and the process of discovering this fact led to quite the entertaining evening knocking on random farm house doors in small town illinois this past wednesday night

(3) absolute best highlight of the trip? eric and me miss a turn leaving yellowstone national park and as a result don't get out of the park going the proper direction until 11:30pm... this means there's nowhere to stop that late until cody, WY, a good 2 hours away.... eric hands me the keys figuring i'm better at being giddy and staying awake than he is... the only road from yellowstone to cody is a "scenic highway" that i'm sure is super nice in the day... however, when it's the worst mountain driving of your 2 week journey and it's after midnight so the only thing you can see are the reflectors popping up 20 feet in front of you and signs that say 20mph with the weirdest curves you've ever seen on them, it's not so much scenic as stupidly dangerous -- but whatever, we were determined to get to cody and sleep in real beds, so i pretended it was a race car game to stay in the middle of the road around the curves (good thing there were NO other cars around for hours and hours!) and eric egged me on.... we stopped a few times to be amazed at how many countless millions more stars you can see in total blackness... then after the moon set and we were debating if montana glows in the dark, i told eric whatever the glow was, it was waving at me... he laughed and told me i was too tired to be driving anymore, and i should stop the car a minute and run around to wake up.... however, i stopped the car to prove him i was right :-P... sure enough, there were are, loud techno (i.e. please keep us awake music) blaring out of the car behind us, standing smack in the middle of wyoming state highway 296, jaws to the ground, staring at aurora borealis for the first time -- i.e. the northern lights! we totally had a cow, and did a 1:30am happy dance in the middle of the street, clapped, cheered, and had another cow while admiring the lights before getting back in the car... talk about a story to remember... where were you when... you first saw the northern lights? *i* was doing a happy dance in the middle of a state highway in the wyoming mountains... beat that! :-P

ok, so rest of trip news will come from the website i'm working on.... link here when it's done... in the meantime...

here it is 4am,... tomorrow amanda comes home and i need to move most of my stuff before then (it's currently strewn all over the house and on top of the stuff the girl who's moving into my room, who apparently moved her large furniture all into my living room 2 weeks early... whatever).... i'm not ready for packing... i'm going to wake up and serious just start throwing stacks of books in my back seat and reverse the process to unload... eric said he'd help, but i have to actually use boxes to get him to move stuff... this could pose a problem...

however, eric also said, he doesn't help if i pull an alnighter, so this is me, at 4:15am, signing off and pretending to sleep... wish me luck that i don't spontaneously explode in the next month what with quals and moving.... seriously, why can't i be employed as a professional road trip taker? i'd love that dude.

night y'all.