moving on

so much for sleep... the opinion of the grad director earlier today was "so, don't do anything today -- go home, eat lots of vegetables, go to sleep early... then try to study for an hour or two tomorrow... same sunday... try to take the test... the way it sounds, you'll find a way to be mad at yourself no matter what you do about the qual, so you might as well take it, and hey, maybe you'll surprise yourself and do better than you anticipate, although i'm sure you'll find a reason to be frustrated with yourself then too!"

after that, i went to ben's place for a couple hours. he was put in charge of a barbecue tonight for the incoming first year grad students since he's like the only older student who still lives in the grad dorms on campus; i kept him company and ate watermelon

i have a headache and didn't feel like meeting new people so i'm home and ben's bringing me leftovers whenever things finish up there.

i've been living since wednesday with a mountain of stuff on my floor -- from packing in a hurry late sunday night, and from just dumping what i came back with on the floor and leaving it there. sorted through that, found needing-to-be-paid very soon bills, and am ready to collapse again -- at least i can see my floor, right?

i don't know about this taking the exam thing... i mean i'd feel like i'm making excuses if i didn't take it next week; but i also feel like there's no way to get the energy i need to do well, and i've been out of math mode for nearly a week now, which is not helping either... several other people are convinced they won't pass this time either though, so at least i'll have company, right?

on the other hand, i'm sitting here, with the bulletin from kristin's mom's funeral sitting on my desk, because i want to save it and i don't have a better place for it (that's where the bulletin from nicole's funeral was all last year)... it's beautiful... the cover has a sunset over the ocean and says "Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:39"... the whole service was beautiful -- focused on the resurrection and "happy easter karen!" (kristin's mom)... i'm glad i was able to make it out there to grieve with kristin and her dad and be as helpful as i could for the 3 days i was there... i know that the focus of the funeral is the right focus -- that kristin's mom is in heaven now, and for the first time since she contracted polio 50 years ago, she is pain free! on the other hand it hurts -- not only am i sad to see her go; even more it's so hard to see my best friend go through so much pain. the past year was plenty trying for both of us for various reasons. it started out with losing nicole, and got increasingly stressful from there. but now, her mom, one of her best friends, is gone -- and so quickly too... it hurts me to see her have to sort through so much pain.

so yeah, i continue to be bummed... it's gonna take awhile... so be it.

tomorrow is back to math day... tonight is nurse my headache and be a bum night. later.