not the best night...

it started out alright... i was productive this afternoon, then ben and me went to get dinner... we met up with sam, eric, colleen, and scott for the rutgers orchestra concert (which was fantastic.... despite scott crossing the line of appropriate things to say to me and me pummeling him on the way out (which was met with laughter because everyone totally knew he deserved it))

after that, someone suggested we all go to rafferty's (a restaurant/pub place down the street that i'd never been to) for dessert and meet up with jared, jared's girlfriend jessica, and ian there... on the surface a fantastic idea... in reality... frankly, i freaked

ben was the only one riding in my car, and when we started talking about how to get there i started getting nervous/freaking out and kept responding to everything with "what if i drop you off and go home"... ben was patient though and convinced me to park and come too...

goto google and type "panic attack" and go to the first site that comes up...

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A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. Symptoms of a panic attack include:

raging heartbeat -- (yes)
difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air' -- (yes)
terror that is almost paralyzing -- (freakin yes)
dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea -- (moderate)
trembling, sweating, shaking -- (yes)
choking, chest pains -- (moderately yes)
hot flashes, or sudden chills -- (no)
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles') -- (no)
fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die -- (YES)

You probably recognize this as the classic 'flight or fight' response that human beings experience when we are in a situation of danger. But during a panic attack, these symptoms seem to rise from out of nowhere. They occur in seemingly harmless situations--they can even happen while you are asleep.

In addition to the above symptoms, a panic attack is marked by the following conditions:

it occurs suddenly, without any warning and without any way to stop it. -- (YES)
the level of fear is way out of proportion to the actual situation; often, in fact, it's completely unrelated. -- (definitely -- who freaks out about getting cheesecake with friends?)
it passes in a few minutes; the body cannot sustain the 'fight or flight' response for longer than that. However, repeated attacks can continue to recur for hours. --(yes, but, see below.....)

A panic attack is not dangerous, but it can be terrifying, largely because it feels 'crazy' and 'out of control.'

Many people experience occasional panic attacks, and if you have had one or two such attacks, there probably isn't any reason to worry.

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(my parenthetical comments above)... chances are then, a mild panic attack is EXACTLY what was going on... and not something i need to freak about... between end of classes and quals, and other things that have been on my mind, stress is a word i know well these days, so so be it... it was absolutely terrifying.

what was even worse was that, ben, apparently, has had friends with panic attacks before and responded appropriately and helpfully... after we got to rafferty's though, scott, sam, and eric seemed to think i was being silly and making a big deal out of nothing and kept trying to convince me to do anything besides just sit in the corner at our table (e.g. get up and go with them to check out the dessert counter and talk to the people there)... really, what i needed to do was sit still and focus on breathing and not feeling as tense and tight in my chest anymore... so that's basically what i did for the first half of the time we were there.

i don't understand this... i'm fine with people i know in small groups, even going new places... i'm fine with large groups of people i know, on the condition it's somewhere i know (e.g. the concert or the movie theater with a large group of friends is fine)... but gradually since this past summer i've gotten more and more reclusive in that i'll avoid (a) situations without people i know (e.g. the grocery store on my own... if i HAVE to go, i'll get in and out as quick as i can, buying only as much as i can carry and get out as soon as possible), and (b) i'll avoid large groups of people in places i don't know well (like tonight)... there's no logical reason for me to have freaked, but both physically and mentally, my body did and it scared me... and it didn't help that of the 8 people i was with, only one believed me when i voiced what was going on.

this was not fun.

i'm going to sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be less traumatic :-P

night.