crazy game

http://www.blackstate.gr/Brain_game.htm

what's your best time? (i'm up to 17 seconds so far (i.e. not so brilliant), but it's horribly addictive...)

enjoy!

it's beginning to look a lot like...

wintertime!

today, i woke up to a very long to do list, that i'm not even sure i'll finish in the next THREE days, much less today... i'm working away at the computer in my room in my PJs, when leigh appeared at my door and whispered "lara... come quick... it's SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

you have to understand that leigh grew up in texas and i grew up in southwest tennessee, so while most 20-something year olds are tired of snow and all the cleanup, ice scraping, and crazy driving situations it entails, i've really only lived in places that get snow for the past 8 years, and leigh only for the last 4.

so while most people (including our third housemate colleen, who comes from minnesota) seem to dread days like today, this morning began with an hour of bouncing and oohing and ahhing with my housemate leigh while we admired flurries.

no matter how busy, a day that starts with snow will be wonderful. :)

happy first-NJ-snow-of-the-year if you're close... happy-monday-before-thanksgiving to all!!!! :)

sunshine...

i had an intriguing chat with the department graduate secretary this afternoon. i think it's incredibly valuable to have friends and acquaintances who can see the you you want to be inside of you, and it's amazing when they can see it at times when you don't suspect it.

to elaborate:
i feel like i should explain a little of my personality. on meyers-briggs tests, i traditionally run the line between INFJ and ENFJ. in one description of ENFJ personality types i've found online, it reads "Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.".

this is somewhat apt. i spend a lot of time talking to a lot of people about all kinds of things. when i walk through the floor of the math building where all the secretaries and support staff work, it's not uncommon for me to stop by 2 or 3 doors and just stick my head in to say "hi (insert name)! how's it going? you having a good week? anything exciting going on this weekend?" i do this to selected professors too. in fact, when i visit the building where i've worked the past three summers, even the custodial staff randomly sit down and chat with me (i let them sneak free food out of REU lunches for years and ask them regularly how they're doing, so we have a rapport ;) )... all this random interaction just to say hi to people is part of who i am.

in my head, this is nothing more than: (1) i like it when people take time to say hi to me (2) i find it frustrating when people give me lots to do without taking the time to be genuine and kind too. i'm a person, not a machine, and i try to treat others how i'd like to be treated. (3) smiles go a long way to making things nicer, for me, hopefully for the people around me, and for the environment in general...

from time to time though, i'm told i've mastered the "art of schmoozing", and people aren't always convinced i'm genuine, or they claim that i do these things because i crave attention, which is not my understanding of myself at all. so then it sends me into a self-analytical "what motivates me to do what i do" streak for awhile.

anyhow, today was the graduate secretary's last day before transfering to a new job in a different department next week. i knew this for 2 weeks, and had stopped by periodically to chat, making especially a point to stop by this afternoon before she was gone. when i stuck my head in the door, she was meeting with a professor, and i said i would come back later, but she interrupted me and said to the professor "i think we were about done, and this is important, lara's one of my favorites, and i've GOT to chat with her today. are we good?"

once the prof left, she gave me a hug, and went on to tell me that she sees a lot of herself in me when she's seen me all smiling and being friendly to her... she said she comes in every day trying to start off with a good attitude and being nice to everyone (which she does, she's awesome, and that's why i like stopping by her office to chat...)

then she said that she wanted to thank me... to quote "more times than you'll ever know, so many other people and things going on in this department have made me sad or stressed out when i'm trying to keep a good attitude. it makes it hard to stay happy and focused sometimes, but you just stick your head in here and smile at me and say hi, and it's often been my sunshine on otherwise stressful days. just so you know, i WILL keep in touch with you, and thank you for always sharing your smile with me"

this paragraph absolutely floored me. i know what my intentions are when i spend time chatting with staff and professors, and i also realize that from time to time others don't get it. but to hear that me just "being me" made a difference... it makes me happy. :)

on the other hand, another professor who i was chatting with this afternoon told me that i'm too young to be analyzing my motivations so seriously all the time, and that "it sounded good at the time" should be good enough for me. maybe it's just part of how i'm wired, but that's not good enough explanation for me. i'm all about being intentional and as genuine as i can be. i don't necessarily pull it off successfully all the time, but it makes me feel good that at least one person in her interactions with me, saw me not haphazardly, and not as fake or as a schmoozer, but as the kind and cheerful ideal me i wish i knew how to always be.

the end.

absolutely brilliant!

check this out: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=931

my favorite part: "...it is not possible to know where a grad student is and where it is going at the same time."

this is most certainly true. ;)

food for thought

i've been thinking a lot about purpose and other such things the past couple months, and came across this quote yesterday:

"The nature of human beings is to be inactive unless influenced by some affection: love or hatred, desire, hope, fear, etc. These affections are the "springs of action," the things that set us moving in our lives, that move us to engage in activities. When we look at the world, we see that people are exceedingly busy. It is their affections that keep them busy."

thus, question one: what do your activities say about what matters to you?

more than that... i think it's possible for two people to do the exact same thing with very different motivation, so question 2: what motivates you to do the things you do?

final question: what do you consider important to you that didn't make the cut above? what is on the list of motivations and activities that says things about you that you wish it didn't?

i'd like to think that i do things because i love what i do, not out of hatred, or fear, or greed, or pride. being human, nothing is ever 100% perfect, but still that's my goal. and when people claim my motivations are otherwise, it really makes me think...

nothing profound or mindbending to share... i just found it intriguing to think of the relationship between how i prioritize my time, what motivates me to prioritize it that way, and how well it matches up with the "ideal me" that lives in my head.

...and now, i really like the above quote. :)

the end.

busy, busy....

i've somehow survived grading the first round of midterms for the semester, and still gotten everything else on my to do list for the week done on time!

earlier this evening:
me: baxter, you know how at the beginning of the semester my to do list of everything i've gotten myself into lately seemed incredibly daunting, and i was worried i was going to go crazy or something?
baxter: yup
me: well, now, guess what!
baxter: you've gotten a rhythm down?
me: yup! and actually, now occasionally i'm starting to wonder why i was so worried. i think if i wanted, i could fit even more in!
baxter: but please please don't!
me: because?
baxter: because i already get dizzy thinking of all the stuff you do, and i don't want to get dizzier imagining more.

this from a guy who insisted on getting the "women's only blast" added to his smoothie at the coffee shop tonight. doht.

the end.

what is a leader?

this question has come up in various forms throughout this week.  be forewarned... long multi-faceted rant follows:

(1) personally, i've gotten involved in many more responsibilities this year than most people would be willing to take on, and what gets me up in the morning to do them all is that i believe i'm making a positive difference, at least in my corner of the world.  am i always happy?  no.  am i as full of energy about things as i come off in public?  definitely not.  but i conscientiously do each major thing i do for a reason...
* i want to have as positive of an attitude as i can with my students so that they are comfortable to approach me with questions when they're stuck on things; i want each of them to learn how to work hard to succeed, and i recognize that success is measured different ways for different students.  i strive for them to see me as someone cheering for them and willing to help them be their personal best. some days i pull this off a lot better than others.
* i spend a LOT of time writing careful comments to my students when grading, because although it's long and tedious, i view grading as a sort of conversation to help them understand the things they missed the first time around...
* i agree to help organize teaching workshops, seminars, and other things because i know that i pay close attention to details, and can keep things rolling without other people having to stress about things.
* i've agreed to be involved at various things in my church where i've been asked to help because i really do enjoy helping with organization and facilitating groups of people. again, i try to be approachable to be useful where i can be...
i work very hard at a lot of things, not to be recognized for them, but because i take pride/joy in knowing a job has been done well.  my energy is fed from meeting the needs of others and/or helping unite them.  occasionally when i talk about something or another i've been up to (as happened a few days ago), some of my peers take it as "she's bragging that she does so much".  this often takes me aback; people who know me well realize this is the farthest thing from my mind.  balancing enthusiasm for things i'm up to lately with phrasing my enthusaism in a way that doesn't ever bother others is something i'm constantly aware of. i'd rather be a leader in doing things well, than a bragger, thus hinding my effectiveness....

(2) this same topic came up again this afternoon.  a former rutgers phd student who graduated last spring was back visiting and said to me "you realize none of the things you do now will matter a single bit when you graduate", to which one of my friends replied "if she goes into a strict research job, sure, but what if she goes somewhere that wants good teachers".
this former rutgers student conceeded, but pointed out "hey lara, you do realize that student in lectures with good professors only outscore students in lectures with bad professors on average by 10%... is that significant enough of a difference for you to put THAT much more time into your teaching?!?"
i responded "i think differences in grades aside, students with good professors who care about them learn to develop a much better ATTITUDE about learning than students with self-proclaimed bad professors", which totally took him aback.
until i have evidence to the contrary (and actually i think i have bits of evidence in favor of it), to me, it's worth it to try to foster good attitudes and enthusaism in my students, whether they be A students, B students, C students, or downright struggling.  when it comes down to it, i think i would be more happy trying to teach a room of C students who are sincerely trying to understand and keep a good attitude, rather than a room full of talented but cynical A students.  my goal is to help give them the ability to be optimistic and enthusaistic about their education.  so on that note, i have to keep believing that i can make a difference.  it's what keeps me going with the energy level i currently run at.

both (1) and (2) are just to say: the issue of purpose and "what's the difference between making a difference and just being busy for the sake of being busy?" have been on my mind lately.... now for a seeming 180 degree turn...

(3) in a completely different context, the memphis mayoral election was yesterday.  i'm still registered to vote in memphis and voted absentee a month ago.  however, the current incumbent was elected to an unprecedented 5th term.  not that wikipedia is a perfect refernence, but i think the fact that a full 1/3 of his current article says:

---

"In recent times, Herenton has faced mounting criticism from citizens and other observers, who have charged that he has, among the following:

• Failed to ensure sound fiscal management of the City of Memphis
• Failed to communicate effectively with the City Council
• Failed to address multiple allegations of improprieties regarding Memphis Light Gas and Water
• Served as the prime target and catalyst for the City Charter rewrite
• Angered citizens to the point of becoming a target of a citizen recall effort 
• Done little in response to the significant rise in crime under his leadership, stating that "No mayor in any American city can solve the crime problem."
• Stated that those who don't like the way he has served as mayor can move out of Memphis."
  

---

is fairly telling...

quote from the Commercial Appeal newspaper article on his election victory

---

"This last election has been very disappointing to me," he said. "A lot of people I thought were with me, and I found out they were not with me, and that's a concern. ... There are some mean-spirited people in Memphis. There are some haters in Memphis!"

The crowd at his victory party responded with shouts of "Shake 'em off! Shake 'em off!"

---

interestingly enough, the headline on the day of the election was:
Memphis leads U.S. in violent crime.  thanks willie... in 16 years, this is where we've gotten.

i'm generally really proud to be from memphis.  however, the fact that 42% of the popular vote went to herenton and put him in office again when he has clearly stated people who are unhappy with him can leave, that he can't fix crime (sure no one completely can fix it on their own, but you can make an effort...), that his acceptance speech last night was more of "me, me, me, stop the people who don't like me" rather than "here's what i, as mayor, can do to serve you", makes me ashamed to be from a place that would vote him back in after such blatant comments.

so i ask, what is a leader? 
the most basic definition is "one who leads others", and lead, at its most basic, means, "the boss".

but what is an effective leader?  i asked google to help me on this.  many definitions in many contexts include some aspect of encouraging unity and inspiring people, even those who disagree with you.  such as:
* leadership is 'the lifting of people's vision to a higher sight, the raising of their performance to a higher standard, the building of their personality beyond its normal limitations'
* leadership means working with and through people by providing them with a vision of the future which is meaningful to them and motivating. Leadership is both strategic and pragmatic and encourages all members of a team to deliver their best as an individual and as a team member.
* leadership is evidenced by effective attempts to influence others.
* leadership is coping with change, focusing on objectives, developing strategies and inspiring the organization to move in the same direction. Demonstrates a positive attitude toward the organization, other staff, and its constituents. Serves as a role model.

i'm sorry to mayor herenton, but i've seen you influence a particular sector of the city, and totally trash the rest.  developing strategies to inspire the city to move in the same direction?  i don't see "shake the haters" doing that...  rather than inspiring the best in those you represent, you tell those who disagree with you to move out.  responding to "what do you plan to do about divisions in the city?" with "i didn't divide them" doesn't show vision, it shows shirking blame and refusing to act....

i was ranting on the phone with my dad earlier and he pointed out that less than half the city actually voted in the election.  he commented "people have become so apathetic that they figure they can't make a difference, whereas if that 60% had actually voted, perhaps we could see morris or chumney in office right now instead..."  and that's the thing.  maybe the election could have gone differently, maybe not, but the people who didn't vote at all totally outnumber the people who voted yesterday.  no matter what they supported, if they would have gone out and voted, collectively they DO have the power to institute change.  they don't have to run for mayor or have a grand plan to fix it, they just need to believe that their vote counts, that they can make a difference.

my mom brought up the point "so, we can either be haters and move out based on our unhappiness or stay put and make a difference where we already are in a place that's hurting and needs all the people trying to make things better that it can get."  it's a decision every individual has to make, and i see credit to both. you can make a difference in a place that's hurting and continue to strive and hope for change, or you can go somewhere where you can make a difference more effectively without being hampered by biggers powers that be.  both are valid...

but end of long rambly paragraphs.  i think my point is this. 

(3) my disgust for the memphis election outcome this week brings up a key example of someone many consider to be a divisive and egotistical leader doing more harm than good. it is possible to be in a position of power, and not truly be a leader in the ideal sense of the word.

(2) i think it's also possible to have the influencing qualities of a good leader without necessarily being in a position of power.  the people you meet and interact with from day to day are your community, and you have the power to make things better for them one act of kindness, or inspiration, or helpfulness at a time, or to let things be, or to hassle them.

(1) it's possible to be busy for the sake of being busy, but it's also possible to channel being busy into making a difference for those around you.

this is why i currently absolutely love Nichole Nordeman's song "Legacy".  it's not something i can say i have down, but it's a goal i'm continually working for to keep my "busyness" in check... Lyrics:

---

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such’n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

---

you don't even have to be Christian or religious and agree with all the lines of the chorus, i think the conclusion i've come to in the past several week of busyness is:

when you choose to take the time to do a job well, or invest in others, or just show love instead of indifference or hate, you're already being a leader amongst your neighbors and peers.  what we could use more of is people who believe just that: not in all the pride and awards and "stuff" they can accumulate, but in their abilty to wake up and make a difference for *someone* they meet in some way each and every day.

done ranting.  really.  reactions?

the end.

check it!

click me! & note (bottom right) who the new editor is :)

this is my first issue... it means i write 2 teaching articles a month. it's just fun to see the first one in print. :)

the end.

how true it is...

for the uninitiate, phd comics is a brilliant strip dedicated to life in grad school. this particular one from 9 years ago is particularly telling:

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=39

here it is monday morning, and i wake up and notice that i'm out of breakfast food and nearly out of non-breakfast food in the kitchen. for the average person, grocery shopping would be in order, but then i started thinking about my week:

monday lunch: going to a seminar that includes free food
wednesday lunch: going to a meeting that includes free food
friday lunch: going to another seminar that includes pizza

further, i have lots of weekly things scheduled that while not free, happen every week and don't encourage grocery shopping:
monday dinner: eric and i usually go out to eat and catch up on life on tuesdays, but my tuesday is busy this week so it moved up a day
tuesday lunch: baxter and i always get together and eat at the student center for the same reason as i get together with eric
wednesday dinner: i teach until 6:30 and then have a 7-9pm study meeting at a coffee shop that makes good sandwiches, so that's generally wednesday dinner
thursday lunch: i have office hours from 10-12 and teach at 12:15, so i just grab something on the run on campus
thursday dinner: generally after the 5-6pm seminar my advisor runs, we all go out to eat.

finally, this week, tuesday, my weekly bible study crew is going out to eat to hang out for a week instead of just meeting at church, so that's one more meal covered out of the house.

so out of the 10 weekday meals (lunch/dinner for 5 days), 3 are free for me, and 6 are time commitments outside of the house... that leaves friday dinner the first chance to eat at home all week! grocery shopping? eh... it can wait another week.

is this healthy? not necessarily, but it's an appreciation of that that motivates strips like this one:

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=582

hooray for free food and friends? happy monday all!

people are funny...

today was super busy but good... wednesday afternoon through thursday night of my life this semester seems to run by in a total blur... it's nonstop running around to get stuff done....i "teach" (more like coordinate and take attendance for) an intro to teaching course on wednesday, and go straight from there to a weekly 2 hour study meeting with my friends baxter and eric... i get home around 9:30, and leave the house again by 9:30 at the latest thursday for office hours, immediately followed by teaching, immediately followed by research meeting, with half an hour to get things done on my own terms before the seminar i help my advisor run. by the time i sit still again it's minimum 6:30pm, often not until 8:30.... but so it goes.

today was fun for a few reasons in particular.

(1) my advisor gave today's seminar. he's a very energetic/dramatic speaker. he talked about the mathematics of the jewish calendar.... and used it to claim that the phrase "let there be light!" was spoken at 11:10:20pm on monday, september 7, in some 3000+ BCE year.... and also to show that although the current computations that go into the jewish calendar keep passover in the spring and rosh hashanah in the fall, in the year 20,830 or so (i didn't write down the correct year from the talk, but it was definitely in the 20,000s), rosh hashanah and christmas will coincide... so it's a pretty good approximation calendar for several thousand years, but even with such a good calendar, eventually the approximations involved creep in and screw things up, given enough time. :) this was entertaining.

(2) when a speaker comes visiting from another school, we generally take them out to eat... since my advisor obviously wasn't visiting from elsewhere, he didn't take us out to eat; however i managed to collect several people for dinner anyhow... my friends baxter and aek were practically given... aek brought his roommate tom, i brought dan (a new postdoc) and dimitrije (conference friend from other places who now teaches in NJ and was visiting), and another new guy from israel came along too... me, 6 math guys, and thai food. the fact that i consider list colorings of graphs and parking functions to be interesting dinner conversation does make me a geek... doesn't it?

(3) speaking of which, post-dinner, i allowed myself to be a vegetable for the first time in awhile. the season premeire of beauty and the geek was on. i watch it because it makes me laugh. they asked one of the "geeks" in the show auditions "describe your ideal woman", to which he responded, ".... well if she can solve a partial differential equation, that definitely gives her bonus points!...".... another answered "of course i don't have a girlfriend!... math makes me very excited." both of which had me absolutely in stitches.

one thing that generally entertains me about this show, even if it is a lot of sillyness sometimes, is that i, as a math grad student, relate a LOT more to the guys on the show, rather than the "beauties"... and this season they did something they should have done earlier... there are 9 teams in the usual format: geeky guy, beautiful girl... but they added a 10th team with a male actor/model/"party planner" teamed with a female grad student. the guy will compete with the other girls... the grad student girl will compete with the other guys... i'm curious to see how this pans out...

not much else of note... tomorrow is busy too; i'm substitute teaching early in the morning for my friend jared, have a meeting with the graduate professor i'm grading for, have a seminar to attend (the powers that be are hijacking graduate pizza seminar to talk about "professional development and the job market"... this can't be a bad thing to hear), and another meeting before i can chill...

sometimes i wonder how on earth i got so busy... and then i remember... i have this thing for not saying no if i think there's the slightest chance i can handle the pressue. doht. :P

onward... happy almost-friday to all!

the end.

prediction...

z (my advisor): lara! thank you! how on earth did you catch that mistake?

me: mmm, nothing big, i was just paying attention

z: i predict that 15 years from now you will be a dean somewhere... or sooner... it's rare to find people as organized as you.

me: and if i don't want to be a dean?

z: then i will be happy, because you're also good at research and i would rather you do that... but you're so nice, maybe you'll agree even if you don't want to do it.

me: really, i am practicing saying "no" more these days...

the past month

can be found here! :P

purpose...

it's 3pm on sunday in prague.  it's a fairly low key day.  i'm currently writing (or procrastinating on writing) slides for a talk i'll give at a math conference this week here, and it's extremely overcast.

i've loved the past week.  i find it incredibly refreshing to be in europe and away from most of my work and responsibility.  being in this part of the world brings back memories of fall 2002 (when i studied in budapest for a semester), which is probably the most intense/best/most influential half year of my life ever.  it is good to be here. :)

the magic word of the weekend though seems to be: PURPOSE.

it's come up in two contexts back to back, which i find interesting.

(1) jan and i have laughed all summer how hyper-organized i tend to be, and how i like to have things prepared in advance for work, for research, for presentations. 

i can tell you where i will be and more or less what i will 90% chance be doing every day for the next 6 months.  on the other hand, often 4 hours from now isn't even on his radar yet, and expecting him to have thought about what's going on a week from now is out of the question.  we both operate quite well as we do.

jan recently had me forward a few things to him that were in my personal email account instead of my work one.  the signiature on my emails is the following series of 5 quotes:

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ~George Bernard Shaw
Too many people overvalue what they are not & undervalue what they are. ~Malcom Forbes
I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom. ~Thomas Carlyle
Be who you are & say what you feel because those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Every job is a self-portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your work with excellence. ~Anonymous

Jan quickly responded to my email by copying the signiature and commenting:
People in Europe live their lives. People in the USA try to get something out of it, while accomplishing objectives they have chosen for themselves.

This explains somewhat the difference between mine and Jan's mentalities/personalities (I have the goal of keeping a lot of different groups I work with happy; I have a list of things I plan/hope to accomplish in the next few weeks, the next few months, the next few years etc.); Jan seems not to be too concerned with the long term, and takes things as they come one day at a time.

However, ever since his email comment, I've been wondering, is it really a US vs. Europe question? I know many americans who have more of Jan's outlook than mine, so is there a different distinguishing feature besides nationality? 

What do you all think???

(2) Purpose in another light:

This morning, Jo (one of my REU students) and I went to international church of prague.  next sunday i will miss church because i will be in a different part of europe, but in general, if i can make it to a worshop service, i like to be there.  something about taking part in corporate worship, and fellowshipping with other Christians makes my life feel more centered for the week, and it helps remind me to keep my focus where it should be.

anyhow, the sermon today was also about purpose.  the guest preacher put up two contrasting quotes to start. 

one from bob dylan :
"Now I wish I could write you a melody so plain
That could hold you dear lady from going insane
That could ease you and cool you and cease the pain
Of your useless and pointless knowledge"

and one from the book of hosea:
"...my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge." (hosea 4:6)

normally you'd expect the other way around maybe -- there are parts of the world (that i'm extremely familiar with) where knowledge is practically a god, and there are groups of religious people who seem to push away from knowledge and keep things simple because knowing too much might mess with their currently compact view of the world.

the ultimate summary of the sermon was: with knowledge of God's creative power and His salvation plan, life suddenly takes on a very different purpose than without knowing these things.

whether you, my blog reader, are religious or not, surely you agree that when people take religion seriously, it affects their world view, so this should seem totally plausible too, whether it is a part of your personal perspective or not.

Wrapping things up:
In the last 24 hours it's been suggested that purpose comes from national mentality, and that it comes from religion.  It just makes me think:

What is your purpose?  Where does it come from?  What do you think are the most influential factors in finding purpose for people in general?

1,2,3, react! :)

perspective

today was like an ideal "relaxing" day in prague. post-math talks, i hung out for a little with my students. when i announced i was headed to the train station to buy my ticket to budapest for a few weeks from now, jan said he wanted to come with me because he likes going to the train station to look at trains. strange though it sounds, apparently it's true... while we were there he took like 2 dozen picutres of trains... go figure.

post-train station fun, we went to a park, got some beers (what else does one drink in czech republic?) and chatted for a bit. later, i went to an organ concert, but when i came back by the math offices to get my backpack (which i'd left earlier), he was still there and was up for dinner and watching "matrix 2". apparently the czech grad students set up the large math auditorium as a movie theater from time to time for fun since they generally don't own TVs themselves. we ran the movie off of my laptop and broadcasted it on the auditorium projection screen for just the two of us. (we watched matrix 1 at my house in NJ last week, and plan to watch matrix 3 here in prague next week).

anyhow, it's not that i did anything particularly extraordinary, or that i went somewhere particularly excitingly historic (except the church for the organ concert, which i've been to many times before :) ). it was just fun to hang out and chat with a friend about so many random things all day.

anyhow, enough rambling. the title of this post refers to the following. while jan and i were chatting and drinking in the park we were comparing how little europeans distinguish between states/american geography, and how the same is true for americans thinking about europe. as an illustration, here are 4 maps. in defense of my europe, i could draw things slightly better if i put in effort, (i do realize that countries are not oval-shaped blobs and i can place more of them), but not nearly as convincingly as jan of course...

enjoy:

Jan's USA:


my USA:


my czech republic and neighboring countries:


Jan's czech republic and neighboring countries:


how telling is that? :)

night y'all (yes, it's 1:45am in prague and i'm still awake... oops)

ahoj from praha!

i'm here, and things are off and running.

i have an entertaining group of students to travel with this year. of them, one has been to asia, but never europe, one has been to all over this part of europe and knows parts of prague better than me, and the other three had never left america before now. they're all fairly chatty and make for some good conversation throughout the day.

the format of this trip is just like the past 2 years: we listen to a math lecture from 10am-noon, get lunch in the university cafeteria, and then have afternoons to ourselves. I've wandered with students for the past two days, but i'm taking this afternoon -- at least until dinner time -- to myself to relax, wander, and not hear english for a bit!

it's seriously good for me to get out of the states for a bit like this. i've been to prague sufficiently many times that i have plenty of familiar hiding places to relax. i'm in email contact with work but not expected to be running around like crazy,... i mostly am free to sit back and enjoy a less hectic culture for a few weeks :)

i went drinking with my students last night -- 3 beers and 3 shots is about my limit for one day though :P... tomorrow when they all go on a "discoboat", i plan to be at an organ concert instead. :) i'm getting old. :P

at any rate, prague rocks, i'm safely here, and i'm quite content to be here for awhile. :)

and that's the update. be parties one and all!

transition time...

what a day.

it's not like i had anything profoundly exciting to do either... it's just odd.

i had problems with this day last year too. at the end of a semester of teaching, i go through a phase of "student withdrawal"... i miss the routine of working with them and know that most of them won't ever be in touch again. same goes for REU. somehow, the sudden transtion from "go go go!" to "chill out and take a vacation", and the sudden farewell to most of the students is tricky for me. i like helping solve their problems and being generally helpful, but post-farewell dinner, now my job is mostly done.

this summer's been especially weird since there are two things that generally keep me grounded: (a) having lots of work to do, and (b) being able to track down my friends.... now that (a) is done for a month, i'd normally rely on (b) to help keep me ok.... but (b) has been tricky this year since most of my usual NJ people have been out of town for the summer,... lately, but today especially, i've felt like i'm drifting, and i don't like that at all. hopefully i'll feel less like that when i get to prague. even if i know it's a false perception, i don't like feeling lost and useless.

since no one's around and i'm a little melancholy today (and thus don't feel like packing yet), tonight is movie night. i rented 2 that i've meant to see for a bit: "high fidelity" and "airplane!"

"airplane!" was... ok. i know it's a "classic", and since i'd never seen it, but heard references to it many times, i figured it was worth a chance. i didn't dislike it per se, but i didn't find it quite as hilarious as i expected to. cute, but not knocking anything off my favorite movies of all time list.

"high fidelity" was another story. i've been meaning to read the book and watch the movie for quite some time, but which order i'd do it was ambiguous. i plan to start the book on my flight to prague this weekend, but i thoroughly enjoyed the movie. i expected to like it, but it far exceeded expectation. the tone was perfect for my mood tonight, and i really liked john cusack's character. definitely worth the rental. :)

one more day in america (to be filled with errands and packing) before a month in central europe. i'll be happy when i'm safely there and my brain is on the right time zone. ;)

night y'all!

it's over...

REU is, that is.

and not really exactly, but my main part is over.

REU goes one more week for most of my students, but the final presentations were yesterday and today. the farewell dinner was tonight. the czechs leave tomorrow. i leave for prague with 5 of the american students on sunday.

i occasionally complain in posts about how much i have to do, but i really do enjoy it.

after every semester i have student withdrawal... no matter how stressful grading, etc. may get, i really do miss the fun of interacting with and helping students when i have the opportunity to do so. same with REU. although i'm more of an organizer/question-answerer than an instructor or a friend, i really do enjoy my work. this summer seems to have gone faster than ever, and i'm kinda sad that it's basically done.

tonight at the farewell dinner, each student got a certificate from the program for their participation, and as always the director of DIMACS gave me one too... he joked that it was for my work "june 4, 2007 through.... august 8.... 2009", which is a joke since this is my last year, but instead of the typical 10 seconds of clapping, for me, the students kept clapping, and clapping, and two of them fairly quickly stood up, which started a standing ovation... just for me. it made me smile... to the point that my eyes teared up... then one of them ran up and gave me hug.

this was the 2nd time ever i've gotten a standing ovation (the first was the last meeting of my 10:10 spring 2006 calculus recitation class). it's better than any reward you could plan on. i don't need a certificate to tell me i've done something well. i don't need a monetary reward. the fact that people feel happy enough with me to give me a sincere and heartfelt spontaneous thank you is worth much much more, and the memory of a whole room of REU students and mentors standing and clapping for me for several minutes is a fantastic memory to take with me. :)

nonetheless, REU is over faster than ever this year... i can't believe the american portion of the program is done, and i can't believe this is my last year running the thing.

time does fly.

the end.

some laughs...

Indian police on the trail of the spectacle-stealing monkey

and....

(i would credit a source on this next one, but i've only found it on blogs... too funny. :) )

surprisingly accurate...

Faithful Inventor

You are an Inventor

• Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.
• You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.
• The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.
• Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.
• Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.
• Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.
• It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.
• Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.
• You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.
• You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
• You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
• Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

You are Faithful

• Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
• Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.
• Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.
• While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.
• Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
• Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.
• Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.
• Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.

Glossary of Traits
Each number indicates the percentage of test takers who entered a lower value for that trait than you did. For example, if Confidence is at 80, that means that 80% of people entered lower values for confidence questions than you did. Based on a sample of 30,000 users.

• Confidence: 54
• Openness: 60
• Extroversion: 18
• Empathy: 60
• Trust in others: 76
• Agency: 60
• Masculinity: 28
• Femininity: 60
• Spontaneity: 32
• Attention to style: 10
• Authoritarianism: 76
• Earthy/Imaginative: 26
• Aesthetic/Functional: 30

grad student night IN!

hooray for relaxing evenings!

it's been a busy busy week!

saturday: i saw lion king on broadway with jessica -- it was AWESOME!

sunday: i was still tired from saturday, but after church i had a lunch meeting with amber (from church) and after an hour of discussion agreed to start helping run senior youth group in the fall. i'm excited, but apparently really am allergic to saying no (when someone tells me about a niche that needs to be filled and lists the skills they think i have to fill it, i don't think about the big picture of ALL of my time, and tend to say "ok, sure! sign me up!"... i enjoy all the stuff i'm up to, but haven't learned to necessarily budget relaxation like i should ;))

monday: worked in the TA office all morning until our 1pm meeting, ran around quickly to get last-minute errands done for tuesday,... then off to the coffee shop where met with baxter for 3 hours of studying for his qual, then met with esther for half an hour to set a reading list for a seminar we give this fall... while meeting with esther, i ran into a former student of mine, and after meeting with her i ended up chatting math with him for half an hour... so we're talking 11 hour day :)

tuesday: annual REU field trip to IBM... excellent as always, just from leaving campus until our return was 11 hours as well :P

wednesday: (1) meeting at 10am with colleen (not my housemate) to set the reading list for *our* fall teaching seminar, (2) attended presentation about prague by the czech REU students (it was HILARIOUS, see here, especially the intro (see slides 2 and 3) and the section specifically about prague (namely slides 6, 9, and 10) ; they promised there would be things i hadn't seen in the past two years of REU, and oh man, did the pictures deliver ;) ), after laughing for 1.5 hours of prague jokes, (3) i sat in on an hour long meeting where my coworkers at the TA office met with the manager of the campus student center to make room reservations/set up requests for TA orientation next month. it was 4:30pm by the time i was home again.

but here's one of the highlights of my week (besides the czech presentation and going on field trips at age 26 of course ;) ). some of the czechs had requested to go see a baseball game before we all leave the country in 1.5 weeks, so we were going to go tonight... and then it started pouring rain instead... i IMed the czech grad student (jan) and asked if monday would be ok instead (and he checked with the other students who were on campus). then, as we chatted a little more, i commented i was going to watch movies since there was no baseball to be had, and he asked if that was an invitation to join... i have no problem with movie company, so i ran errands and picked jan up from campus (obviously flying in from prague he doesn't have a car)... i introduced him to the wonderful world of "ferris bueller's day off", and we chatted until midnight about all kinds of stuff. for jan, he lives in the dorm with the other REU students, but is more like an analog of me. he enjoys it, but they're all 18-21 year olds, and he'll be 29 this weekend, so on occasion, like me, he feels old and needs a break :P, and i was happy to provide the escape.

most of my local friends are MIA lately... scott's busy, eric's in vermont or new hampshire or something, colleen is in minnesota, leigh's in maine... ben's been missing since april (not missing, just i haven't managed to track him down in person in 3 months). i've been hanging out quite a bit with sara, but most of the rest are gone... it's just fun to hang out with other fellow tired 25+ grad students, enjoy the chatting, and not feel guilty about energy level :)

it was a good day.

(and that's what i've been up to lately... how i manage to keep up with me, i'm not quite sure ;) )

end of ramble.

good night!

as if you need help procrastinating...

click it

just plain funny...

I get the NYC news on my TV... just now, the morning rush hour traffic report came on while i was eating breakfast:

"and check out this picture from I-80/95... we've got a 45 minute delay in the west bound lanes... (other stories)... by the way, that backup on 80/95? apparently rubbernecking due to a man on the side of the road holding nothing but a watermelon"

just when you think you've heard it all... :P

quotes of the day (and it's not even noon yet!)

humberto: lara! you're back! how was your trip! what are you up to this summer?
me: scotland was great! now i'm working two jobs and running around like crazy.... lots of fun!
humberto: wow... i hope that one day i'll be like you.
me: really? why?
humberto: you do so much! i work hard to keep up with just a little, but you do everything and do it well!
me: wanna know the secret?
humberto: what?
me: it's simple... i don't sleep nearly as much as i should.


> Hi Dr. XXXXXX,
>
> I'm reserving equipment for the week today and checking if you
> need extra equipment for your talk.
>
> FYI, the talk is at noon in XXXXXXX and includes lunch!
>
> Best,
> Lara

I will need a laptop projector and a forgiving audience.
Best Wishes,

star spangled...

this was the back of the church bulletin today... thought it was interesting:

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't believe it's friday. it's been one *cRaZy* week.

* monday: REU field trip... lots of fun... also 7+ hours blocked out of my day before i did anything else. :P
* tuesday: met students on campus in the morning... studied with baxter for his qualifying exam all afternoon
* wednesday: meeting for my 2nd job, and sticking around all afternoon to learn more of the ropes so i really CAN take over in august.
* thursday: misc studying on campus, writing a lecture, REU seminar, and other such fun.... and for my first break all week: i got a much needed haircut (first in 3 months), and ate pizza with leigh and sara.

summary: every day, running for at least 10 hours straight, in many different places... at least my life ain't boring!! :P

today is off to an interesting start... for as busy as i've been, it's better told from leigh's perspective.
leigh was home visiting family in TX for the past two weeks. she was supposed to fly from TX to NJ directly on wednesday afternoon. due to crazy storms, her 3 hour flight became a 12 hour flight with a several hour stall in washington dulles, and she arrived home exhausted and hungry (the plane had no food or drink either!) at 5am on thursday.

leigh spent all day unpacking and repacking... she's in MN for the next couple weeks for a canoe trip with colleen and others... then flying directly to maine to work at a math camp for the rest of the summer... she had stuff to package up to ship, stuff to pack for the canoe adventure, etc... all on no sleep. already a long day... she locked herself out of her car and i had to rescue her... she forgot to lock the house when she went out (so i guess there's balance in the world)... point is, she was exhausted.

*then*, last night happened.

leigh was supposed to fly out of newark airport (on the same airline as wednesday) at 10:30 am this morning. with all her ridiculous amounts of baggage, i was just going to drive her door to door, leaving our house at 8am. instead...

12:30am: i'm getting ready for bed, when leigh goes to online checkin for her flight and announces that it's cancelled.

1am: after being on hold with non-helpful employees for half an hour, leigh finds out that all flights from newark to chicago on her airline are cancelled for today... she can wait til saturday (not good for the canoe trip)... multitasking like crazy, leigh searches online and suggests to the airline phone people that she could fly out of any NYC airport and into any city within 100 miles of minneapolis/st. paul... she gets booked on a 8:30am flight out of laguardia.

1:05am: leigh announces her new schedule and says she doesn't want to put me out by making me drive all the way into the city... she'll struggle with her own bags gladly if i can get her to the local train station in time for the 4:15am train. i announce skepticism about the availability of connections from penn station (where our train comes into NYC) to laguardia.

1:30am: after 20 more minutes of research, leigh realizes that yes, she can get into manhattan but there's no good way from manhattan to laguardia that early in the morning (needing to arrive by 6:30) without just getting a cab. i offer to drive her, and she accepts, sad about putting me out.

4:30am: after 1.5 hours of sleep for me, and 45 minutes of sleep for leigh, we load the car, get hot drinks and a full tank of gas and head off

6:45am: after 2 hours of ridiculously stupid drivers on the BQE, i drop leigh off at laguardia

8:15am: after a slightly less stressful 1.5 hour return drive i come back home to crash

9am: i realize that i really can't sleep when it's light outside, so i'm destined to be awake and running on 1.5 hours of sleep all day... woot!

never fear, fun is coming... i have a meeting at noon, errands to run, etc.... but tonight i invited all the REU students over for board games and movies... i'm looking forward to it! (provided i really do stay awake and coherent that long!!!)

tomorrow, i don't care what happens, I'M SLEEPING IN!. so indeed... back to the title... THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the end.

i just can't wait...

to see Lion King on Broadway!!!

my friend jessica and i bought tickets for a week from saturday... i'm EXCITED! :)

shall we count? (again)

updated for another year: http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/bday.html

enjoy! :P

too funny...

so, after a long busy 12 hour day of running around campus, i headed 30 minutes away to my church for the last women's Bible study meeting before we stop for the summer.  several people remembered that my birthday is tomorrow and hollered "happy birthday!" as i came in the room, but agreed not to sing.... that is, until sonia came, bearing a giant tupperware container.  she explained "tomorrow is lara's birthday, and cupcakes are so outdated, so i wanted to bring something more fun... share, but the leftovers are for lara to take home."... and then since i had a candle to blow out, they did indeed sing.... but tell me, have *you* ever blown out candles on fruit before?  i thought this was great:



happy lara day eve! ;)

be parties one and all!

i am a victim...

... of identity theft! holy freakin crap (pardon the language)

some of my friends make fun of me for how OCD i am about shredding any paper with anything about me on it, etc., but it still happened.

i logged into my bank website this morning to compare what it said against my checkbook (and because transactions from foreign countries depend on the exchange rate of the day)... there was a charge of $75 in georgia from friday, when i was obviously nowhere near georgia this week!

i called up the bank, and they looked into it and said whoever did it had a physical copy of my card and spent $75 on gas.

so i'm out of a debit card until i get to the bank in person this week to get a temporary one while the fraud claim/investigation goes through.

the commercials about identity theft protection are funny, and i thought i was being good by being careful with my card and by shredding stuff, but apparently that's not enough.... not cool.

ergh....

scotland, at last!

alright, so the longer version of yesterday was:

(1) i was supposed to depart newark airport at 9:30 saturday night, arrive in london heathrow at 9am sunday local time
(2) then, i had an 11:50am flight from heathrow to glasgow scotland, landing me there at 1:20pm
(3) from there, me and my friend cathy were supposed to catch a shuttle bus to the main train station, catch a train to edinburgh, then another up the east coast of scotland to a small town called leuchars, and then another bus from there into st. andrews (where i currently am for a conference).
(4) all my travel supplies were supposed to work fine, i would practice my talk for this afternoon, we'd get dinner, and we'd crash for some much deserved rest.

instead
(1) the newark plane didn't leave until 10:45pm. apparently some people missed the flight connection but their bags made it through. apparently regulations said they had to take all the bags off the plane, find those to remove, and reload the plane again.
(2) because of the delay getting going (sitting for 1.5 hours next to a crying baby is NOT fun), we got into london heathrow at 10:20am... one would think 1.5 hours is enough time to transfer flights, BUT....
(3) our connecting flight was in a different terminal, and the workers at heathrow, though plenty nice are not the most efficient, so there were a lot of people missing connections left and right... we made it through express security and ticketing (after begging nicely), and got to the counter for our 11:50 flight at 11:20... they denied us boarding and scheduled us on a 3:15-departing flight instead
(4) our 3:15 flight didn't take off until 4pm due to backlogs of british airways flights taking off from heathrow... we landed in glasgow a little after 5pm
(5) already exhausted and grumpy just taking our carry on luggage, cathy and i decided that we just didn't have it in us to try 4 more kinds of transportation while lugging our checked luggage too, so instead of the 30 pound ($60) each trains/buses options, we hired a car for 105 pounds total (about $110 each) to pick us up at the airport and drop us off at our apartment for the conference. frankly, with how tired and sore we were and all the delays, the fact that we could go door to door, not deal with our luggage, and actually sleep on the way was worth it. (what i did see of driving from the west coast of scotland clear across to the east was beautiful... and there's a freakin lot of sheep around here)
(6) you'd think that that's enough of an adventure, but here's one more. i've had the same international voltage converter for 5 years, and it can deal with any kind of plug on earth. however, i never paid attention to the fact that it only accepts 2 prong american plugs (i've never travelled with anything but a battery charger and an ipod charger that needs it). unfortuately the plug for my laptop is 3 prong. i could plug it into the charger, but without the grounding prong plugged in, you could literally feel the field of static electricity around my computer if you got within a couple inches of it... so instead of practicing my talk and looking over my slides last night, i was too scared of blowing up my computer, so i crashed, and woke up super early to go buy an extra 3-prong adapter just for the week... fun, right?

needless to say, it's been an interesting start to the week. i'm glad i'm here. i'm glad to see old math friends from last year, and i'll be even more happy when my talk is over in 2 hours!

hopefully much better stories and much better pictures as the week progresses!

be parties one and all! :)

LONDON

guess who's stuck at heathrow for the day (that would be me). jealous, right?

the end.

scotland!

in a matter of hours, i get to leave the country for a week of math conference fun... woot!

i mean, seriously, doesn't this sound like a super-exciting time? :P

pictures and other excitement when i return. :)

this made me smile :)

me (4:41:28 PM): dude, so i found out today WHY i have a job at the dean's office
dave (4:41:40 PM): aside from you're awesome?
dave (4:41:50 PM): and interview well with gauze in your mouth?
me (4:44:49 PM): am i awesome?
dave (4:44:52 PM): yeah
me (4:45:02 PM): why thanks

oh, and this too... although for as good as it makes me sound, you have to wonder just how much is true. ;P

happy almost-thursday!

no more drugs...

(...or hopefully almost back to normal!)

what a day! for the first time in a week, i did something besides just watch TV with 80% of my day.

* tooth update: i finished my last dose of penicillin this morning... thankfully, the dull ear/jaw ache i've had since getting my teeth out finally seems to have gone away. my gums are still a little swollen though, so i'm not quite feeling up to solid food yet.... miraculously, i haven't gotten tired of applesauce yet, which is fantastic. :P unfortunately my jaw is still a bit sore to the touch if i bump into anything even slightly... cross your fingers that i get back to feeling totally normal soon! in the meantime, i'm just slow.

* today though, i actually left the house. my friend dave was at a wedding 2 hours away yesterday, and since his return flight was out of philly late tonight, he came to spend the day with me in jersey. it was easily filled between church (with 19 kids getting confirmed, it was a 2 hour service), lunch (i opted for a cheese omelet: look at me moving up in the food world ever so slightly!), and this art exhibit i'd been wanting to see (because i'm ever so exciting. :P). i was quieter than normal since my jaw still hurts, but it was nice to have an excuse to go out with a friend. plus hugs are never a bad thing. :P

this week, the real fun starts though:

* monday (tomorrow!): all my summer REU (research experience for undergrads) students arrive. i'm glad this is my 3rd time around so that i feel like things are under control... hopefully they really will be all day! also, first meeting with my advisor in a month... hopefully he'll be happy with what i've written up in the past month... we'll see.

* tuesday: tooth checkup, and REU orientation dinner... and lots of working on my slides for next week's conference.

* wednesday: my first meeting for the new 2nd job (the one i got hired for friday). not sure how detailed this will be or how quickly i'll assume responsibilities, but i'll find out quickly!

* thursday: first REU seminar, and probably lots of other helping students settle in kind of stuff

* friday: if i haven't yet, spending the day locked in an undisclosed location writing my talk for next week's conference

* saturday: flying to SCOTLAND!!!!!! for a permutations conference. my talk is on monday, and then i can actually enjoy the rest of the week.

with a week like this, and still living mostly off of applesauce and potatoes, i'm gonna need all the luck i can get.

... and THAT is the end of my needlessly long and uninteresting play-by-play of the week... thanks for reading... be parties one and all! (and wish me luck...)

hired!

so apparently i can still make a favorable impression with a mouth full of gauze and while still on drugs.

i interviewed this morning with the university dean's office for a job that will last this summer through when i graduate, on top of all the other things i'm doing.

it's for a program that runs workshops, writes publications, etc. to help TAs throughout the university. it's kinda unique in how inter-departmental it is.

and it's really exciting that i got the job since they only hire 2 graduate students at a time to help run the program.

first meeting is next week. loads of fun to come :P

hooray.

the end.

one drugged up week

this week has been so bizarre.

i barely ever take medicine for anything, except an occasionaly ibuprofen for a bad headache, so being on 3 different kinds of prescription drugs this week has thrown me for a loop.
* penicillin (not so bad, just to keep me from getting infected)
* dexamethasone (also, not so bad, just have to eat with it to keep it from making my stomach hurt... to help with swelling, etc.)
* hydrocodone (pain medicine... the one that's been driving me nuts)

i just finished my last dose of the middle one, and i gave up on the vicodin (hydrocodone) yesterday. my jaw hurts a little, but the pain medicine was making me dizzy, uncoordinated, sleepy, and grumpy... it's hard enough mostly sitting still for several days, but not being able to do much without knocking stuff over and getting upset about it, and not being able to focus enough to read even juvenile fiction made me even more grumpy, so i just stopped taking it. it was the first two that are most important anyhow.

now that i'm just down to penicillin, i hope to get increasingly coherent. i went to work today briefly and did about 20 minutes of stuff in an hour and a half. hopefully efficiency will increase quickly :P

here's the rundown in the near future (aka why i really hope to feel much better in the next two days so i can be productive again):
* interview tomorrow morning with the graduate school dean's office for what could be my 2nd summer job plus extra money during the school year... more on that if the interview goes well.
* REU (the summer research program i've run for the past two years and am doing again) starts monday. goal: be able to at least smile without pain by then :P
* i leave for scotland for the next permutations conference in 9 days... i haven't been coherent enough to prepare my talk yet. hopefully it comes together quickly!
* in other fun, my friend dave (of valpo fame) is going to another valpo friend's wedding in central PA on saturday. i'm not feeling up to going, but he's coming to visit me for church/lunch sunday. in the interest of being a good host, i'm hoping i feel up to more than just sitting around. we shall see. :P

anyhow, the summary is: life gets busy again soon, and i'm surviving... hopefully significantly closer to normal each day... wish me luck!

random survey

Name 7 things in your bag (or if you're male…wallet/ pocket):
1. wallet
2. ibuprofen
3. travel umbrella
4. pedometer
5. LOTS of pens
6. math book
7. non-math book (i only carry bags large enough to house a travelling library :P)

Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. do math
2. drive
3. sleep
4. walk (or now that i have a bike, perhaps this will change to "go for a bike ride")
5. blast music
6. snack

Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. mango
2. strawberry
3. peach
4. kiwi
5. hungarian sour cherries

Name 4 names you go by:
1. lara
2. la
3. grits
4. daughter

Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. running pants
2. ben and jerry's t-shirt
3. a random array of bandaids (when they tried to get an IV in me to remove my wisdom teeth yesterday, they said i have practically no veins)

Name 2 people you are thinking about right now.
1. eric
2. leigh
(the two who have graciously been taking care of me since the dreaded tooth extraction yesterday)

What are you thinking about right now?
how happy prescription pain drugs are

Where is your phone?
plugged into its charger 2 feet from me

Where do you sleep?
on my bed, in my room, in my apartment in NJ

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
i bought it in vermont on spring break with scott last year

What was the last thing you ate?
peach-flavored applesauce -- flavored applesauce, mashed potatoes, and pudding are basically my entire diet for yesterday and today... exciting, right?

the end.

i survived!

dude,

so glad this morning is over... will be super glad when a few more days are over.

i got so many stories from so many people of what it's like to be put unconscious for getting teeth out. none of them applied.

they got an IV in me (after several attempt... apparently my veins are super hard to stick so i've got quite an array of bandaids on my arms).

my face/mouth were completely numb, and there was an IV in me the whole time to keep me calm, but i was completely conscious and aware of what was going on the whole time. i made unhappy noises at them when i heard the teeth popping out. i kept hearing i would be completely unaware, and yet i remember it all quite clearly. very odd experience. i think i'm actually happier that i wasn't knocked out completely. i was the most paranoid about that.

so now, i'm not drowsy, just unhappy with how my jaws feel and with having a ton of gauze in my mouth for the rest of the day.

eric wins a prize for being super helpful today. the worst is apparently over, and i'm glad i survived. :P

and that's the update.

the end.

it's wisdom tooth day....

we are NOT excited....
on the upside, in 3 hours, it'll all be over.

update eventually.

it is fun...

...to surprise/confuse students outside of campus.

today, on the way home from church, i stopped at sports authority to buy lights for my bike so that i can ride it after dark if i want. as soon as i walked in the door, i ran into an employee -- one of my smartest students from the calc 3 course i TAed last fall. he was absolutely stunned to see me and to my "hi chris!" responded with "what are you doing out here?". we chatted for 5 minutes before i went to get my bike lights and move on with my day, but it never ceases to amuse me:

students are happy to cross paths on campus outside of class, and seem content to see you there. students are always surprised to run into you "in the real world" as if you don't exist when not within several hundred feet of the math building... and yet we do. :P

i guess i never had this problem since i grew up with my mom being one of my grade school teachers. i knew she had a life away from school, and furthermore, many of my teachers early on were her friends, so i saw them informally a lot. it seems for a lot of the world though, school and away-from-school life are two things that don't occur to them actually mix. this amuses me.

the end.

$$, crashing, and other such fun

other roadtrip inspired post:

when i left TN, the average price of gas was $2.93, in kentucky $3.07, and in southern indiana gas was $3.28. overnight, while i was in indy, gas jumped 30 cents and the lowest i could find for most of tuesday and wednesday was $3.59 for regular grade. luckily prices went down the further i went east, and in NJ i got it for $2.89 today, but this is motivation.

last year, when the prices in NJ briefly spiked above $3 i started taking the bus to campus. now, they're certainly going to go above $3/gallon and for even longer. i love driving, and i'm glad i have my car for getting to church and longer trips, but... i've finally motivated myself to do what leigh did last year: buy a bike. with a front basket, it'll be able to handle most of my local errands, and it should be able to get me to campus and back, unless i need to be super nice looking for a talk or something... the summary is, i wanted to cut down on gas by switching to a bike for as much as is reasonably possible.

so today was bike purchasing day. scott is a bike expert so i brought him with me to look. amazingly enough, the sales interaction went something like this.
store manager: "hi, can i help you?"
me: "yes, i'm just looking for a hybrid to get around highland park... hopefully not more than $300-400."
store manager: "ah! wait! you are a tall woman! i have the perfect bike for you!"
she immediately ran over to a corner and pulled out a 2006 gary fisher tiburon ( see http://www.fisherbikes.com/bikes/bike_detail.asp?series=path&bike=Tiburon and click on the picture for the stepthrough model, then picture it in blue and silver instead of black and silver)
it's a 20" bike, and it's apparently hard to find people tall enough to buy that size of a women's bike, so she was stoked to have me in her store, and i was happy for a good deal: $249!

scott thinks i got a good deal, i'm happy it's blue and comfy, so life is good.

i think i posted months ago about riding leigh's bike and having issues with brakes and not understanding gears... got that out of the way today too. while riding and experimenting, instead of grabbing the brakes i accidentally upped the gear and crashed into a tree (oops). at any rate, yay for a new cheaper way to get around town. really, once i've gone the equivalent of 8 tanks of gas (or even sooner as prices rise) in miles on the bike, it will have earned its money back.

hooray for new bike.

end of ramble. :P

what now???

so, alas, i'm back in jersey. it's been a long but fun week: 3 days in the car, interspersed with a day in indy with tammy and a day in toledo with alliswan, both of which were great visits.

while driving on the indiana toll road on wednesday though, i was listening to the radio, and heard the following:
36 percent of men on online dating websites are looking for a woman who......

(can you guess it?... scroll for answer....)












































...makes more money than he does.

reaction: what the heck?

i can totally understand not wanting to date a gold-digger, or whatever have you, but whether you're the guy or the girl, i find seriously looking for more money than you have as a top dating priority atrocious. it's nice to have means to do things, but... whatever happened to pride in work, and valuing what you've earned? and just because you find someone with more money than you (regardless of gender) doesn't mean it's yours to spend. heck, i'm a grad student, i make close to zero money, so just about everyone makes more than me, but i don't expect anyone to support me but me.

people never cease to amaze me.

am i alone on this? are the statistics people crazy? what's your reaction?

the end.

plans... and reality

oi... what a day.

the plan:
(1) wake up early enough and call scotland during business hours to reserve a room at the same place a friend of mine is staying my last night there in june
(2) lunch with my friend rose
(3) run through city vehicle inspection quickly
(4) work for several hours at the central library (i've been hanging out there all week typing up math)

instead
(1) i got up early and called the hostel my friend cathleen got a reservation at 2 days ago, and they insisted that i was crazy and that they don't have openings then because students are still in school in the dorms... so attempt to secure lodging for 30 pounds for the night (about $60) failed... i'm to the point of not caring and just booking with the holiday inn express that's a 2 minute WALK from the glasgow airport for the one night. it may cost 70 pounds, but i won't have to worry about finding transportation at 3-4am, and they start serving breakfast at 4am too... it's a lot of money, but it may be worth it for a 6am departure on an international flight.

(2) i did have lunch with my friend rose. she's from my church in memphis, and although she's retired, you wouldn't know it with all the things she does... she truly has the gift of organization. plus, she went to high school with elvis (they were in the same graduating class), so she's full of fun stories from the past too. i like going out with her the one or two times a year i'm in town.

(3) i DID go to vehicle inspection too, but it sucks. if you live in the memphis city limits (i still am a TN resident as long as i'm a student), you have to take your car through city inspection to renew your license plate. this isn't like in most states where you go to a certified mechanic. they have a garage with city employees who (a) check that all your headlights/turnsignals/etc work properly, (b) check your emissions levels, and (c) do an emergency brake test. this test consists of putting your car in drive, pulling up the emergency brake, and then hitting the gas... and your car isn't supposed to go anywhere.

i got in line at 1pm, and made it into the garage at 1:45. they started with the emergency brake test, and the lady insisted that my car was smoking whenever i hit the gas, so she instantly failed me.

~~~that's one hour down the drain.~~~

so, irritated, i drove back to my suburb and went to my parents' mechanic... they checked the car out, adjusted the brakes as tight as can be so that there was no way they'd fail, but said that the car inspection woman was crazy because there was absolutely no signs of oil leak or anything else that could cause smoke, and they couldn't recreate the problem. luckily i had my laptop with me, so i got a little work done, but mostly gossiped with the other people in the waiting area.

~~~that's two hours down the drain.~~~

i went back home to get some water, and check how late the inspection station was open before going out again. on my way out of the driveway, i ran into my next door neighbor. he's nearly 90 years old, and i hadn't seen him around the last two times i'd been in town, so we sat at the foot of the driveway for 30 minutes and chatted. this is by no means a waste of time, but it explains how it was nearly 4pm before i got back to the inspection station for more fun...

at 4pm i got in line at the vehicle inspection station. i was 20th in line. i got into the inspection garage at 5:02, and passed the test without a problem. in the lane right next to the lady who failed me before. with absolutely nothing done about the smoke. everyone knows city inspection is a joke. i just hate that it cost me most of an afternoon that could have been profitably spent getting work done!

now?
the office and scrubs season finales are tonight... I CAN'T WAIT!... and tomorrow can't be nearly as annoying as the past 4 hours were. SO GLAD it's freakin over with.

the end.

home is where...

see, i think i've made this post before, and come to a completely different conclusion than i'm about to make.

the dictionary has many definitions for home:
applicable ones being:
1 a : one's place of residence
2 : the social unit formed by a family living together
3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention
4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>

tennessee used to be all four of those to me. with as much as i traveled back and forth for college, i then said i have two homes.

now, with as much as i travelled in early grad school, for years, i've totally adopted definition 3 as the prominent one: home is anywhere where my friends or family are, so the world is my home.

but now, i think my definition is changing.... this is a first.

yesterday i went to my old grade school to pick up my mom's paycheck (she's gone with her class on their class trip to st. louis, she teaches 8th grade at the school i went to for K-8). i know almost all the faculty and staff, so the office manager, the daycare manager, and the few teachers nearby were all very excited to see me, and all gave me hugs. then one of them asked:
"so, does this still feel like home?"
and without thinking for even a second, i answered the reflex answer of
"no, not really."
to which one of them said
"oh, of course, you're kidding!"
they wouldn't believe me! and i was being honest!

let's look at the definitions one at a time, shall we?

1 a : one's place of residence

really, i live in NJ now. sure, that's temporary until grad school is done, but the bulk of my stuff, the bulk of my people interaction, the largest concentration of my friends in one place is now there.

yes, i have my own room in tennessee still, but it's largely empty, and the family uses it for other things while i'm gone (brother for an escape room, dad for a plant greenhouse, mom for an alternate place to get ready in the morning when dad takes too long in the downstairs shower.) i don't get mail here. i don't have many obligations here. although i'm still a tennessee resident legally speaking as long as i'm a student, let's face it, it's not where i really live.

2 : the social unit formed by a family living together

for many many years, that's where TN was. the thing is, my family DOES live here, and have their social unit. but the longer i'm gone, the less i really am a part of that. they rearrange things and do things differently and i'm at a loss for where to find basic stuff around the house. i don't fit into their schedules. sometimes dad tries to just assume i'm back to being high school me as soon as i walk in the door; show no interest in what i should be up to for work, and try to make me want to go back to doing tons and tons of chores for him, but that's not me. i don't really fit into this paradigm anymore.

furthermore, the friends that were my extended family while in town have largely spread out to new locations too, so even those circles, though familiar and fun, are located elsewhere too.

funny as it is to say, the "family unit" i'm most a part of these days is my grad school circle, not my blood family.

3 a : a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention

here's the argument that's kept me saying tennessee is home for the past 8 years since i moved out: "home is where the heart is, so everywhere my friends and family are is my home". tennessee certainly is familiar to me. i know it full well. i know many people around here. people get excited to see me. really, and that's good.

but i'm only around 2-4 weeks out of the year. a lot of people have moved away, a lot of new people have moved in, and even the old ones get married, divorced, have kids, etc. there are some constants, but SOOO many of the people that are now part of the local close-knit community are strangers to me. the people who have been around and know me forever assume i just fit, but really, in context, i feel like an extra puzzle piece. like maybe even a puzzle piece of the same scenery as here, but belonging to a different puzzle. i don't feel unwelcome or like i don't fit. but life has moved on in my many absences, and i don't feel like i just have a natural spot anymore. this is a recent revelation.

4 a : a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country home and abroad>

i guess this is the one definition that tenneessee will always have. it's where i grew up from age 5 on, and for all intensive purposes, it will always be my "place of origin" that shaped me growing up. but that's not a home you feel or don't feel, that's a fact that just is.

so really, if a place used to be home, and now only is "home" in the past, can you really still call it home if it's not "home" in the present tense? i'm starting to think not.

the end.

it's official....

... my wisdom teeth are coming out tuesday, may 29th at 11am.

let the paranoid panicking begin!

walking in memphis, etc.

what a week!

friday and saturday i was in chicago, sunday back in jersey, monday and tuesday driving to TN, and now i'm here for a couple weeks.

highlights
* i had lunch with jenny (one of only a very small handful of HS friends i still keep in touch with regularly) in DC on monday.  i was SO excited it worked out.

* stayed with roommate in durham, NC on monday night.  this included dinner with some of her NC friends, and minigolfing... lots of fun :)

* tuesday, we visited the american museum of science and energy in oak ridge, TN on the way over.  i hadn't been there in like 10 years, but it's still as fun as ever

* eric's with me for the next week just to see memphis, so i'm having fun playing tour guide.  yesterday we actually saw the march of the ducks at the peabody hotel (they keep 5 ducks in a duck-penthouse on the hotel roof, and every morning they play the king cotton march while the ducks ride down the elevator then run across a red carpet and dive into the fountain in the hotel lobby... i'd seen the ducks in the fountain before, but not their grand morning entrance.  it was hilarious).  we met elvis presley's personal tailor at his shop in the same hotel.  we visited the national civil rights musuem (which has expanded to a second building since i was last there.  they now own both the hotel where king was shot, and the building that the shooter was believed to have shot from), and walked the riverwalk on mud island.  it was a quality day.

* dad is already making life interesting.  i'll ignore all the anecdotes from yesterday i could share and just put the most recent one.  last night, mom moved dad's truck to a different spot in the driveway because it was blocking hers.  dad got ready to leave for work this morning, and couldn't figure out how to start it since the steering wheel was turned, which had locked the ignition.  after 10 minutes, he came back inside and glared at me and asked if i could skip showing eric around today to drive him to work and on the errands he needed to run.  i asked if i could try to start the truck instead.  he told me he doubted i could, and he would be really mad if i broke the key, but i took the key out of his hand, went outside, and in 10 seconds had it going just fine.  he was shocked.... and irritated with me for succeeding.  to his "how on earth did you do that?" i replied "dad, i drove an ancient nova for 6 years... i can convince old cars to do lots of things."  he groaned and left.  my dad.  ha.

but now, here's the real connundrum of the day:
i got a call from one of the rutgers graduate school deans yesterday offering me the chance to apply for a more active role in the graduate school.  namely they have a program specifically running pedagogy programs for teaching assistants and one of the 2 graduate student staff people who works on that is graduating this summer, so they want me to apply to be her replacement.  i'm excited about this and it sounds like fun, but....
they want a writing sample to include in my formal application.

i write a lot, but most of it is either (a) informal, such as blogging, writing mass emails, etc., or (b) technical... because, face it, math papers are a very different kind of prose than humanities/social science papers.

so i write, i'm fully capable of writing, but what does a mathematician submit as a writing sample?  i really don't know!  current best thought is that maybe i'll write a short essay about something random (suggestions?) and submit that as well as one of my recent papers. any better ideas?

the end... for now. :P

be parties one and all.

hooray!

me: yo eric!!!
eric: yo!!!
me: i'm excited! guess what!
eric: um, you like talking to me on the phone?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: it's sunday?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: we're going to tennessee tomorrow?
me: yes! but guess what else!
eric: hmm, i don't know what could be more exciting than that... what?
me: it's sunday, we're going to TN tomorrow, AND we see roommate in north carolina tomorrow night.... AND now we have super exciting lunch plans with memphis jenny in washington DC!!!!
eric: really, she's the one who studies spiders, right?
me: yep! see, aren't YOU excited too?
eric: i AM. yay, tennessee.

what do you think?

i just had an hour long debate with two of my grad school friends about artificial intelligence.

my advisor purports that one day computers will be doing all the math, and will be thinking on a higher level than us, so scott asked me why that doesn't seem to especially bother me. if my advisor's prediction of the future is true, we'll all eventually be out of jobs as mathematicians, and i should be worried.

i responded that i'm not particularly worried because i'm not 100% convinced that artificial intelligence, in the sense of consciously independent machines is guaranteed to happen, and even if it did it would be so off in the future as to be unreal. i'm not arguing that it's impossible, but i'm skeptical about whether it's guaranteed. mostly, because i'm not 100% sure what "creativity" really is. scott or eric would define it to be something algorithmically complex and computationally irreducible, but still realizable out of a sufficiently complex program. whereas i'm not convinced one way or the other that it's something that can be automated.

halfway into the conversation (eric and scott both believe conscious machines will happen, eric puts it a at least a hundred years away though), eric commented "oh! of course! you refuse to believe in AI because you're religious! that would kinda negate your whole idea of soul."

which bothered me but took me 15 minutes to phrase myself. honestly, religion didn't enter my mind in the conversation until he threw out that idea. my response?
i believe that there's a physical world that we interact with daily, and the physical world contains many abstract concepts, a moral code, etc., but that there's a whole other spiritual world as well. what makes humans have a "soul" is that we have a spiritual world analog, whereas i don't think that dogs, insects, etc. have a spiritual world analog. the question of AI doesn't become a religious question to me unless thinking machines somehow have a spiritual world analog, which i don't think they would. so to me, the key question is still: "what is creativity? is it algorithmic, given a complex enough computational environment? or it is independent of computation and can be simulated, but not wholly redeveloped?" i'd need to be convinced that creativity can be an emergent property of an automated system before i believed 100% that conscious machines are possible, and i'm not convinced yet.

what do you think?

(or have i scared you all away from words? :P)