ugh

so welcome to reading day. classes done, two exams to go -- both have a take home part and an in class part. i should have started one or the other today, but apparently not, and i think when i'm done typing here i'm going to crash.

i slept in until i woke up on my own at 12:30 this afternoon... watched 3 episodes of cosby show, and then ran errands... then putzed around chatting online until it was time to have the requisite "no math night" with the people. however, by the time i had gotten there, scott, colleen, sam, and john had already left for the grocery store b/c scott was confused and told people that was the plan and i'd just pick up eric when i got to campus and meet them at the store... eric and me were both confused and slightly irked (not like mad but just like "what on earth are they doing???") and so after talking to scott on his cell, we started to drive to the store too... halfway there we realized neither of us really needed anything there, and since everyone else was 20 minutes ahead of us, we'd just let them deal, so we went back to eric's place and laughed at PDQ Bach songs for awhile.

when everyone else showed up, they made potato pancakes (latkes) and soup for everyone and i played cards w/ the guys... again a losing streak, but i tried... had a lot of almost farmers hands (the worst hands you can get in sheepshead). after awhile, colleen had been leading people in baking cookies and convinced them all to help decorate. i held back for a little and took a few pictures of everyone working then curled back up on the couch i had been on for cards... i got to thinking... the last time i did something baking-ish like that was with nicole... and the decorating cookies would have been a very nicole-like endeavor... i miss nicole. also reminded me of our big christmas party we threw at my apartment in budapest last christmas and all those people i miss too... i've gotten emails and letters from several just this week too, and i miss them a ton.... but even more i miss nicole and that i'll never get to do holiday stuff or baking stuff or any of that with her again.

mostly then, while everyone else decorated, frosted, and ate cookies, i was in my own world thinking away. eric tried to convince me to eat cookies, scott told me a couple times i needed to wake up, and jared actually asked me what was on my mind (and i gave him the half a sentence summary =P) but mostly people just let me be and carried on like normal, which is fine.

i stayed there, pretty quiet most of the rest of the night until everyone else left... then i did too... but instead of the normal 10 minutes to drive home, i took an extended hour-long version. there's something about being on the open road, with barely any traffic, in the middle of the night that's relaxing and freeing... you can just kinda let your mind go... and it can race just as fast as you are going down the interstate. i like driving a lot. instead of clearing my mind, i think i just reorganized all the heavy things going on inside it right now and made for more to think about... whatever, i needed the drive.

mostly, i'm impressed i've made it down to the last week of the semester. if i had known in august what all was going to happen in the past 4 months, i don't know where i would have chosen to be for all of it. grad school is already mega stress. add to that completely starting over and knowing no one while my primary support system is spread across the country/world. add to that the uncertainty of whether or not i'm going to pass analysis and that i really don't know what the consequences of that are yet or not (will i have a job/funding next year???). add to that that 15 people who are close to me or close to my friends have died in the past 3 months, 2 have been diagnosed with cancer, and that's a lot. add to that that at this point so much has happened this semester that i just have very little faith in my own abilities to do anything anymore...

so yeah, basically january is a very very very much needed fresh start. many many many more of you have so much more faith in me than i do in myself anymore. i feel like i complain about the same things over and over and over and people are getting tired of hearing them... but they're still there nagging at me.... what i want more than anything right now is for someone to give me a hug, sit down w/ me and a pitcher of margaritas or something and just want to talk/listen for awhile until i just unsteam everything driving me nuts right now... mostly i just need a hug.

i'm tired. i don't think algebra's going to get done well while i'm in this mood so i think i'm going to let myself crash. wish me luck on the take homes, since i absolutely positively have to start them tomorrow =P

night