an ode to feelings....

2 hours ago i wrote about how good it's been to have 2 days to more or less mind my own business and be a bum... really, especially now, i think it's been incredibly good for me....

there seems to be a misconception that i cover my real feelings with trying to appear happy all the time... maybe the degree of happy isn't always matching what i feel, but really, if i'm not happy at all... i won't seem happy at all.... i'm not set to decieve people on how i feel... i'm more determined to at least try to be happy no matter what if i can at all find the energy/motivation to be.

let's go back in time.

imagine that one day you're talking to one of your best friends on the phone. imagine 2 days later you get a call that she suddenly died in a freak car accident. imagine that every 3-4 days for the next EIGHT weeks you get news that some family close to you has lost... a father in a plane wreck... a mother in a car wreck... a grandmother due to illness... a 12 year old son due to cancer... there you have september/october/november 2003 of my life.

imagine that as all this is going on you start the most intense year of work in your life... you start out the first week, before anything non-work has happened, all gung ho to give things your best... by the end of the third month, you're just grasping for straws, hoping not to get fired or demoted...

imagine that months roll by... months of missing your friends/being sad with other friends who have lost family... months of being mad at yourself for doing mediocre work, and finally you seem to have enough space to breathe again and give things a fresh start.

then imagine things start to crumble all over again...

nearly 4 weeks ago, after 6 weeks of frequent updates from kristin (my best friend) about her mom, the unimaginable happened and kristin's mom was gone. that night, i completely spazzed out for a bit, cried a lot, kicked stuff, and let myself emote...

the next morning i was in ohio for a few days for the wake and funeral... came back and slept a few days, turned around and immediately started studying again to take the qualifying exam, then after failing that, turned around immediately again to take on 4 classes full force the next day... for the past 2 weeks of classes now, i've been in turbo-lara homework mode ever since.

for the past 4 weeks, lots has gone on in my life... and for the past 4 weeks i've felt it, i've known things were under the surface, but i didn't know how to make them come out....

when i was in toledo i was frustrated and sad... my best friend had lost someone who was the world to her, and in turn was a very special person to me... i knew it was a horribly sad and frustrating situation to respond to, and yet, i was mad at me for not being able to really really cry while i was there

i've been so busy ever since too... and people care, but some somehow seem to think sometimes that "social interaction = happy"... i know they want to help but i don't think many quite know what to do... (and don't get me wrong, i have fantastic friends... i probably wouldn't know what to do with me either right now :-P)... so caught in these walls between trying to get stuff done like homework and other resposibilities, and between trying not to shut others out completely, and not frustrate them by total unresponsiveness, and just trying to keep on top of my life in general, there's not been time to just let things out... and the walls around my feelings i don't think were quite ready to break down anyhow...

but tonight, getting myself free from homework and people for a few days and just letting myself exist, i was doing alright... then i checked my voicemail before bed... i had just one person who wasn't detered by the fact that my phone's been off for the past 2 days... it was kristin... her message wasn't that long, it was just "so, i hadn't talked to you since tuesday, and noticed you haven't been online or blogged since then either... i know you're just hiding out for a bit, but i just wanted you to know if you need to talk or if i can do anything, you know my number and you know i'll be there in a week... i care"... that simple... no expectation on how i need to feel, no trying to fix things, no trying to make me laugh... nothing superfluous... just the offer to be there... when she's the one this situation is hitting even closer to home for than me... (man, i have good friends)

and then the walls broke down... 15 minutes later when i went to bed, i finally started crying for the first time in a month... 45 minutes later, i still am, and you know what? it hurts like heck... life hurts like heck... but it's also sooo incredibly good to let myself feel and express all the crap going on inside of my head. instead of falling asleep with memories of kristin and her mom or of kristin talking about her mom in my head and just feeling melancholy like i have for weeks now, it feels so incredibly good to be able to cry.

you can't just fix a real wound by covering it up if there's still something in the wound to be taken care of first... emotions are the same... i just wish that were better understood.