recovering

an email:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lara,
You did not pass the written qualifying exams this time around.
I suspect this is due to your recent trip to Ohio as much as anything.
You scored (withheld)/60 on Day 1 and (withheld)/60 on Day 2.
Please come to my office to view your exam, and to talk.
Best wishes, Chuck Weibel (as grad director)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that sums up my day.

i am one of 4 people my year who didn't pass, so at least i'm not alone (eric, colleen, and leigh are in my boat too but for different reasons... interesting though, i think, that we're the 4 who struggled most with analysis all year no matter what our other strengths).... the other 3 have all commented that they're jealous i have an excuse (i.e. how much non-math stress has been going on in my life lately)... i don't know if it's good, or if i'm mad at myself b/c i don't want my life to be an "excuse" when it comes to school... mostly i have problems with the word excuse i think.

let me tell you though, i have good friends...

upon hearing about the qual, ben, leigh, and i went to starbucks... they let me sit there and just be sullen for a bit, and then decided a park was a good idea... when i didn't even try to swing, leigh started pushing me from behind, and ben started pushing my knees from in front of me, so that i didn't even have to try to get going high... that was moderately amusing....

then, ben, leigh, colleen... well, pretty much everyone went to a barbeque for the new 1st years at the grad director's house -- everyone but me and eric that is... we went to align my telescope while it was still daylight, went to subway for dinner and then both went home for an hour... in my case it was to watch scrubs (more on that in a second), in eric's case to clean his room.

after scrubs, i picked up eric and we took my telescope out stargazing for the first time in months... we tried a new place, a park we'd done a lot of studying at that is dark, but also has a wide open field in the middle of it too -- perfect.... after being out for a bit over an hour, we came back to eric's house for hot cocoa

there, scott and jared were up, joined us for the cocoa, and then entertained me for a bit after eric went to bed... well, not so much entertained, but tried to get me to actually vocalize how i feel about everything going on right now... they've offered that i can crash on the boy house couch whenever i want if i ever get tired of being in a girl apartment for awhile...

apparently they both really want to see me pass the test in january too and not give up on myself... besides making lists of things lara likes to do and things i really need to stop saying to myself, when comparing classes and i commented to scott "oh we have 3 together", he responded "no 4 -- (lists the 3 we're both registered for), and helping lara pass the qual 101!"... jared's volunteered to be analysis genie, and scott wants to enlighten me about topology... ben had volunteered earlier in the day to help me and leigh if we'll teach him what a manifold is when we learn in differential geometry this semester.

right now? i feel overwhelmed and moderately bummed... in time it will get better... at the moment, lots of emotions and things going on, and i just need to let myself crack and work the bad emotions out of my system.

i said i'd get back to scrubs -- it made me laugh my head off for half an hour, so it gets bonus points for that -- but also, for the requisite "moral of the story" line at the end -- j.d. wrapped up the show with "so in the hospital, making it through the day is all about relationships -- whether you're starting a new one, relying on the old ones, or figuring out how old ones work in a new way -- friends are the only way to make it through"... i guess it applies to grad school too ;-) i'm sure glad i have friends who don't give up on me, because pretty sure i don't have the energy to not give up on me myself right now.

the end.