sullen

this is my chance to vent away, so here it is:

i am annoyed and frustrated. i am tired and drained. i know why i didn't pass the qual, and i know i'm capable of passing in january. i know my fuse is short and little attention should be paid to all the things that have set me off lately, but here goes....

frustration #1: my old analysis prof from last fall semester has consistently looked right on past me and seemingly ignored me for the 8 months between when i finished his class last semester and tuesday of this week... since i failed the qual, he has greeted me with a smirk 3 times in as many days... coincidence? one of my friends thinks so, one things not... i don't know, but i find it mildly unsettling

frustration #2: just when i think i've done one thing good, i screw up... i'm in charge of pizza seminar, so i've been finding speakers, etc.... and decided to give the seminar website a face lift... the previous coordinator told me i was allowed to do whatever i wanted with the page, i should just keep it up to date... so i took the current web page that was there when i took over, and added a menu to the left hand side... today i get 2 annoyed emails, one from a department secretary, and one from an older grad student, and somehow i've screwed up how the pizza seminar webpage interacts with the rest of the seminar web page on the rutgers math server... i wrote them back that (1) i was unaware of any rules about the folder because the previous coordinator hadn't told me any (2) i was sorry for anything that i've inadvertently messed up for them, and (3) if they tell me what commands i need to put in the html file, then i'd gladly fix it... after a day of emailing around, they gave me instructions, but now someone's removed my access to the seminars webpage folder on the server.... extremely annoyed and feeling moderately belittled.... i thought i was doing something useful, i.e. making the seminar webpage easier to navigate, and here i am stepping on toes... why do i try?

frustration #3: it's been pointed out that the ONE american female student last year failed the qual, and all THREE of us this year failed this fall... while everyone trusts we can pass in the spring, at least one professor is concerned that the department is doing something wrong that needs to be fixed in the first year classes. really, i have no clue, but on a slightly different note, this frustrates me for another reason... scott, ben, and jared recently discovered that i hate being called (1) a girl, or (2) cute. it's specifically those two words i take issue with, and they can be used in reference to anyone else, just not me... here's at least a little of why:

even in high school with AP physics or ARML (our regional math team that went to national competitions), being a girl interested in math/physics, you were severely outnumbered. there was often this unspoken drive to prove that i really was as smart as the rest of the head of the class, and not just there and allowed to do stuff because i was a girl.

for my time at valpo, that wasn't an issue in the same way, but at my REU and in budapest, i somewhat felt it was -- that i needed to prove to myself that i was smart enought to be places.

similarly, now in grad school... when you apply for any math program of any sort, the following disclaimer is there:
"We solicit inquiries and applications from members of groups which have been historically under-represented in mathematics, such as women and minority groups. "
i HATE feeling like i'm somewhere because i'm filling some sort of quota. i know in the back of my head that rutgers would not have accepted any of me and my friends unless we truly were qualified and the sort of students they're looking for, but old habits die hard. it's not that i need to be all independent and the best at things... i just need to feel that i'm where i'm at based on some sort of merit, and not because i'm a girl.

so there it is... it's a twisted sort of pride thing -- i hate being called a girl, because in my mind there's still old triggers that associate it with weakness... being female is fine, being a *girl* in particular gets to me...

similarly with cute... that's another story for another day, but it has a connotation of some sort of helplessness that i really don't like... mostly it's just those two words in particular.

frustration #4: complete and total lack of motivation; i have great friends, i still love the general concept of studying math, and on most days i still like math... right now though, i'm getting my first week of mountains of homework assignments and i'm so tired i don't want to think about any of it... then again i don't want to do much of anything, school or otherwise, so it's not even that i want to get away from here in particular -- i want to get away from life for a bit... but i gotta earn a living somehow, so here i stay. :-P

i am soooo chipper today, aren't i?

ok, time to spare you all -- time for bed -- class with one of the professors that frustrates me most in the department bright and early tomorrow morning... oh joy oh joy.

night.