2 hours ago i wrote about how good it's been to have 2 days to more or less mind my own business and be a bum... really, especially now, i think it's been incredibly good for me....
there seems to be a misconception that i cover my real feelings with trying to appear happy all the time... maybe the degree of happy isn't always matching what i feel, but really, if i'm not happy at all... i won't seem happy at all.... i'm not set to decieve people on how i feel... i'm more determined to at least try to be happy no matter what if i can at all find the energy/motivation to be.
let's go back in time.
imagine that one day you're talking to one of your best friends on the phone. imagine 2 days later you get a call that she suddenly died in a freak car accident. imagine that every 3-4 days for the next EIGHT weeks you get news that some family close to you has lost... a father in a plane wreck... a mother in a car wreck... a grandmother due to illness... a 12 year old son due to cancer... there you have september/october/november 2003 of my life.
imagine that as all this is going on you start the most intense year of work in your life... you start out the first week, before anything non-work has happened, all gung ho to give things your best... by the end of the third month, you're just grasping for straws, hoping not to get fired or demoted...
imagine that months roll by... months of missing your friends/being sad with other friends who have lost family... months of being mad at yourself for doing mediocre work, and finally you seem to have enough space to breathe again and give things a fresh start.
then imagine things start to crumble all over again...
nearly 4 weeks ago, after 6 weeks of frequent updates from kristin (my best friend) about her mom, the unimaginable happened and kristin's mom was gone. that night, i completely spazzed out for a bit, cried a lot, kicked stuff, and let myself emote...
the next morning i was in ohio for a few days for the wake and funeral... came back and slept a few days, turned around and immediately started studying again to take the qualifying exam, then after failing that, turned around immediately again to take on 4 classes full force the next day... for the past 2 weeks of classes now, i've been in turbo-lara homework mode ever since.
for the past 4 weeks, lots has gone on in my life... and for the past 4 weeks i've felt it, i've known things were under the surface, but i didn't know how to make them come out....
when i was in toledo i was frustrated and sad... my best friend had lost someone who was the world to her, and in turn was a very special person to me... i knew it was a horribly sad and frustrating situation to respond to, and yet, i was mad at me for not being able to really really cry while i was there
i've been so busy ever since too... and people care, but some somehow seem to think sometimes that "social interaction = happy"... i know they want to help but i don't think many quite know what to do... (and don't get me wrong, i have fantastic friends... i probably wouldn't know what to do with me either right now :-P)... so caught in these walls between trying to get stuff done like homework and other resposibilities, and between trying not to shut others out completely, and not frustrate them by total unresponsiveness, and just trying to keep on top of my life in general, there's not been time to just let things out... and the walls around my feelings i don't think were quite ready to break down anyhow...
but tonight, getting myself free from homework and people for a few days and just letting myself exist, i was doing alright... then i checked my voicemail before bed... i had just one person who wasn't detered by the fact that my phone's been off for the past 2 days... it was kristin... her message wasn't that long, it was just "so, i hadn't talked to you since tuesday, and noticed you haven't been online or blogged since then either... i know you're just hiding out for a bit, but i just wanted you to know if you need to talk or if i can do anything, you know my number and you know i'll be there in a week... i care"... that simple... no expectation on how i need to feel, no trying to fix things, no trying to make me laugh... nothing superfluous... just the offer to be there... when she's the one this situation is hitting even closer to home for than me... (man, i have good friends)
and then the walls broke down... 15 minutes later when i went to bed, i finally started crying for the first time in a month... 45 minutes later, i still am, and you know what? it hurts like heck... life hurts like heck... but it's also sooo incredibly good to let myself feel and express all the crap going on inside of my head. instead of falling asleep with memories of kristin and her mom or of kristin talking about her mom in my head and just feeling melancholy like i have for weeks now, it feels so incredibly good to be able to cry.
you can't just fix a real wound by covering it up if there's still something in the wound to be taken care of first... emotions are the same... i just wish that were better understood.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Thursday, September 16, 2004
dude
project of the week? copying all my CDs into my computer... after 3 days of whenever i go in my room sticking a new disc in to copy while i do other stuff,.... i finally suceeded (well, there's still another book of music in the glove box of my car, but just the music in my room is a considerable lot...
as it is now, i could turn on my computer set to play "all music" and it would run for 165 hours, 51 minutes, and 9 seconds without repeating tracks... that's nearly 7 days (24 hours a day) of music!... how completely insane is that?
in other news, i've been a bit of a bum the past few days... yesterday i had my only class cancelled on account of the prof. being out of town, and without anywhere to be in particular, just some homework to do, the adrenaline that's been keeping me going in super-hard word mode for quite some time finally had a chance to peter out... i mostly kept to myself, got my work done, and then was a bum... tonight people got together for dinner, and i stayed put to take advantage of having the house to myself for awhile... oh well...
part of my thursday night hanging out with myself time was fun though... not only did i finish my grand CD project, i also got to see joey (which i missed last week on account of not being friends with colleen's VCR) and i saw the 1 hr 40 minute episode of the apprentice... i can't believe he fired bradford... bradford was one of my favorites to win after last week, and dude... maybe this'll teach the womens' team not to be quite so petty and stupid about things?
anyhow, that's the scoop... back to work/sleep/something
night y'all.
as it is now, i could turn on my computer set to play "all music" and it would run for 165 hours, 51 minutes, and 9 seconds without repeating tracks... that's nearly 7 days (24 hours a day) of music!... how completely insane is that?
in other news, i've been a bit of a bum the past few days... yesterday i had my only class cancelled on account of the prof. being out of town, and without anywhere to be in particular, just some homework to do, the adrenaline that's been keeping me going in super-hard word mode for quite some time finally had a chance to peter out... i mostly kept to myself, got my work done, and then was a bum... tonight people got together for dinner, and i stayed put to take advantage of having the house to myself for awhile... oh well...
part of my thursday night hanging out with myself time was fun though... not only did i finish my grand CD project, i also got to see joey (which i missed last week on account of not being friends with colleen's VCR) and i saw the 1 hr 40 minute episode of the apprentice... i can't believe he fired bradford... bradford was one of my favorites to win after last week, and dude... maybe this'll teach the womens' team not to be quite so petty and stupid about things?
anyhow, that's the scoop... back to work/sleep/something
night y'all.
Monday, September 13, 2004
finding ben....
so this afternoon, scott, eric, and i were in my office (which i share with scott, colleen, leigh, and ian), and scott told me to leave so he could change clothes to go to the gym... i laughed and told him he couldn't kick me out of my office and he should go to the bathroom down the hall if he wanted privacy to change...
eric also laughed and pointed out that since the desks are like 5 feet tall (they have a couple bookshelves attached to the top of each), scott could stand behind his desk (which is pulled out 2 feet from the wall) and change there... scott laughed and decided this was a good idea and went with it
just before scott told me to leave though, we were discussing how neither of us had seen or heard from ben in a week and a half, and agreed we should call him and leave another message... so, when he told me to leave the office, i was in process of calling ben's cell (had already dialed and it was ringing, and scott knew this)... we get to the part where we should leave a message, and i tell scott he should say something on the message... the voicemail ben got was something like this:
scott: "dude, i don't even have my pants on right now!"
(muffled eric and my voices, indistinct)
scott: "seriously, i can't take care of these things when my pants are down, hang up the phone!"
once we did hang up, scott's comment was "if ben doesn't call us back on that one, i don't know what *will* get him back!"
sure enough, 15 minutes later i had a call from ben, "dude, what's going on with scott?" i made a bargain that i'd explain if he'd show up in the math building and tell where he's been, and 15 minutes more later, we had ben around again :-)
and *that* is how to track people down :-)
the end. :-P
eric also laughed and pointed out that since the desks are like 5 feet tall (they have a couple bookshelves attached to the top of each), scott could stand behind his desk (which is pulled out 2 feet from the wall) and change there... scott laughed and decided this was a good idea and went with it
just before scott told me to leave though, we were discussing how neither of us had seen or heard from ben in a week and a half, and agreed we should call him and leave another message... so, when he told me to leave the office, i was in process of calling ben's cell (had already dialed and it was ringing, and scott knew this)... we get to the part where we should leave a message, and i tell scott he should say something on the message... the voicemail ben got was something like this:
scott: "dude, i don't even have my pants on right now!"
(muffled eric and my voices, indistinct)
scott: "seriously, i can't take care of these things when my pants are down, hang up the phone!"
once we did hang up, scott's comment was "if ben doesn't call us back on that one, i don't know what *will* get him back!"
sure enough, 15 minutes later i had a call from ben, "dude, what's going on with scott?" i made a bargain that i'd explain if he'd show up in the math building and tell where he's been, and 15 minutes more later, we had ben around again :-)
and *that* is how to track people down :-)
the end. :-P
:-)
i finally found the prism i bought in prague that's been missing for a month, and now my room's all sparkly... :-D
leigh's comment? "wow lara, that's totally just the icing on the cake that is your room" :-P
leigh's comment? "wow lara, that's totally just the icing on the cake that is your room" :-P
dreamin...
i haven't been sleeping the same lately... when i first moved to this house i slept so well... more than 8 hours a night for the first time in over a year, and i felt rested... then life got a bit more stressful, and that didn't so much happen anymore... i'm currently at 6-7 hours a night, which isn't bad, but every night for the last week i've had weird dreams... i can't remember specifics of them once i get too far into my day, but here's last night, for your general entertainment:
i had a friend visiting, (but it wasn't someone i recognized), and we drove to the train station to catch the train to NYC... when we came back though, my car had been towed elsewhere and it was nearly 10pm, which was apparently when the place my car had been taken to was closing... we got there to find out why it had been towed because i had parked where i normally do to go to NY, and apparently it was just for fun because they could, and i had to pay a major fine to get it back... i was not happy.
then, our living situation had changed... all my friends from the math department lived in top floors of this huge library/office store building, and we had a 70 block drive to get to the house that was set up as a huge computer lab where we were working... apparently it was between semesters and we were all helping grade some crazy complicated test of something... the profs. supervising us were actually rutgers profs, but not ones i've had for classes, just ones i recognize from around the dept.... anyhow, we get ready to leave for work one morning and there was just me and eric in my car, and this huge freak storm comes up, and as we're about to go through an intersection, one of the big poles that holds up the traffic lights gets hit by lightning and starts rocking back and forth and eventually crashes to the ground right in front of me... then a transformer explodes, just yards away from my car... i was shaking so much i couldn't drive anymore, so i put eric in charge... we returned back to the library place and i sat down to work there where i was suddenly hounded by lots of HS kids wanting homework help.... just as i was about to pop getting tired of them, i woke up.
ok, back to now... i don't remember my other dreams this week, but they've had that general theme: series of what seems realistic at the time, but highly unfortunate situations for me, and i wake up with a headache and very not so happy... what is up with this?
later dudes.
i had a friend visiting, (but it wasn't someone i recognized), and we drove to the train station to catch the train to NYC... when we came back though, my car had been towed elsewhere and it was nearly 10pm, which was apparently when the place my car had been taken to was closing... we got there to find out why it had been towed because i had parked where i normally do to go to NY, and apparently it was just for fun because they could, and i had to pay a major fine to get it back... i was not happy.
then, our living situation had changed... all my friends from the math department lived in top floors of this huge library/office store building, and we had a 70 block drive to get to the house that was set up as a huge computer lab where we were working... apparently it was between semesters and we were all helping grade some crazy complicated test of something... the profs. supervising us were actually rutgers profs, but not ones i've had for classes, just ones i recognize from around the dept.... anyhow, we get ready to leave for work one morning and there was just me and eric in my car, and this huge freak storm comes up, and as we're about to go through an intersection, one of the big poles that holds up the traffic lights gets hit by lightning and starts rocking back and forth and eventually crashes to the ground right in front of me... then a transformer explodes, just yards away from my car... i was shaking so much i couldn't drive anymore, so i put eric in charge... we returned back to the library place and i sat down to work there where i was suddenly hounded by lots of HS kids wanting homework help.... just as i was about to pop getting tired of them, i woke up.
ok, back to now... i don't remember my other dreams this week, but they've had that general theme: series of what seems realistic at the time, but highly unfortunate situations for me, and i wake up with a headache and very not so happy... what is up with this?
later dudes.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
a quality day
indeed it was
jessica came up from philly and we wandered around that for an hour: this afternoon, my town had a "unity fest" as a community get-together to remember 9/11/2001... it had a general theme of "celebrate all the groups of people in the community and that we can coexist happily"... mostly people were selling arts and crafts, the firemen were running safety displays for little kids, people were registering people to vote, and there was live local entertainment (in particular we saw kids doing karate, a reggae group, and a modern dance group)...
then, having seen all there was to see, we came back to my house to get online and investigate our options... we both wanted to see "vanity fair" but the next time to see it was 3 hours away, whereas "garden state" was on in 40 minutes, and although i'd seen it before, i was more than willing to go see it again and jessica was interested too... i wasn't disappointed seeing it again at all :-), and jessica enjoyed it too.
after that, we played a couple games of yahtzee and then went to colonial diner, home of the best cheesecake in jersey, and possibly everywhere...
nothing extremely off the wall/flashy to do, but it was totally great, just to shoot the breeze and chat the afternoon away with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile... so major yay for that :-)
now to be good and do some work before heading to sleep :-P
later dudes.
jessica came up from philly and we wandered around that for an hour: this afternoon, my town had a "unity fest" as a community get-together to remember 9/11/2001... it had a general theme of "celebrate all the groups of people in the community and that we can coexist happily"... mostly people were selling arts and crafts, the firemen were running safety displays for little kids, people were registering people to vote, and there was live local entertainment (in particular we saw kids doing karate, a reggae group, and a modern dance group)...
then, having seen all there was to see, we came back to my house to get online and investigate our options... we both wanted to see "vanity fair" but the next time to see it was 3 hours away, whereas "garden state" was on in 40 minutes, and although i'd seen it before, i was more than willing to go see it again and jessica was interested too... i wasn't disappointed seeing it again at all :-), and jessica enjoyed it too.
after that, we played a couple games of yahtzee and then went to colonial diner, home of the best cheesecake in jersey, and possibly everywhere...
nothing extremely off the wall/flashy to do, but it was totally great, just to shoot the breeze and chat the afternoon away with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile... so major yay for that :-)
now to be good and do some work before heading to sleep :-P
later dudes.
a baptism to remember
church this morning was great -- well attended since we're back on normal schedule instead of summer schedule, rededication of sunday school teachers, plus a baptism.
only two things happened that weren't quite planned during the baptism.
(1) as pastor finished about a paragraph at the start of the baptism, all the sudden there was this crazy roaring noise through the speakers that shook the building... apparently our organ is having issues with the sound system this week because then, and once later in the service while it was on, but not being played this happened (and turning it off temporarily fixed things)... when pastor hollered to ed (the organist) to try turning it off, there was some giggling, amidst which i heard steve weiss, sitting two seats away from me whisper to his brother "no one told me it was nascar sunday!"
(2) as pastor finished the baptism, he carried ethan (the baby being baptized) up to the altar and said a prayer for him... as he (pastor) turned around and said "i present to you the newest member of God's kingdom: ethan", ethan grabbed the cross necklace pastor always has on when he's in his robe for service and put it in his mouth... people had varying reactions, but pastor's immediate response was "there ain't many things better to hang onto than the cross" :-)
the end.
only two things happened that weren't quite planned during the baptism.
(1) as pastor finished about a paragraph at the start of the baptism, all the sudden there was this crazy roaring noise through the speakers that shook the building... apparently our organ is having issues with the sound system this week because then, and once later in the service while it was on, but not being played this happened (and turning it off temporarily fixed things)... when pastor hollered to ed (the organist) to try turning it off, there was some giggling, amidst which i heard steve weiss, sitting two seats away from me whisper to his brother "no one told me it was nascar sunday!"
(2) as pastor finished the baptism, he carried ethan (the baby being baptized) up to the altar and said a prayer for him... as he (pastor) turned around and said "i present to you the newest member of God's kingdom: ethan", ethan grabbed the cross necklace pastor always has on when he's in his robe for service and put it in his mouth... people had varying reactions, but pastor's immediate response was "there ain't many things better to hang onto than the cross" :-)
the end.
discovery
when i injured my finger the other night, that was the THIRD bandaid-requiring injury i'd inadvertently acquired in the past month... as a result, instead of using everyone else's bandaids, i bought a box of my own yesterday, and discovered the coolest thing ever: bandaid brand antibiotic bandaids... the pad that you put over your cut already has neosporin or some fascimile on it... i picked up a box, and replaced the old bandaid on my finger with one of them just now, and they are officially the coolest thing ever... well at least as far as fixing cuts goes :-P
breakfast, church (this is the first week we're off of summer schedule... should be a few people around i haven't seen in a couple months while the schedule's been different :-) ), then jessica comes -- can we say excited? :-)
later dudes
breakfast, church (this is the first week we're off of summer schedule... should be a few people around i haven't seen in a couple months while the schedule's been different :-) ), then jessica comes -- can we say excited? :-)
later dudes
Saturday, September 11, 2004
the run-down
i started today with a monster to do list, and surprisingly enough have stayed focused to do most of it...
things done today:
altar guild
laundry
grocery shopping
got $50 back from circuit city
post office
caught up on a month's worth of email at 5 different email addresses :-P
paid bills
fixed the ceiling light in my room (it just needed a new bulb, but that involved finding something in the house sturdy enough to stand on to unscrew the glass bowl around the bulb and then reassemble :-P)
did 5 hours of homework (so i'm all set for monday)
that about sums it up... i'm totally not exciting, but you can SEE in my room now for the first time since i moved in.
for the most part i've not been wanting to deal with people lately... i'm moderately content cross-stitching and working on homework/fixing things 24/7 (since i haven't been sleeping well for the past bit anyhow), but once in awhile, someone manages to find me on the small bit of time each day that i'm up for socialization :-P here's today's story:
adam hughes called me on the phone while i was out running errands earlier
adam: hi lara! guess where i am!
me: um, valpo, i dunno
adam: i'm standing on bob the rock! how great is that?
me: that's pretty great -- congratulations!
adam: here, i think he wants to say something to you (puts phone down near the rock, and then picks it back up)
(resume with more normal conversation :-P)
yay for friends who call out of the blue just to make me laugh. :-)
excited to see jessica tomorrow... but for tonight, it's back to work... later dudes :-P
things done today:
altar guild
laundry
grocery shopping
got $50 back from circuit city
post office
caught up on a month's worth of email at 5 different email addresses :-P
paid bills
fixed the ceiling light in my room (it just needed a new bulb, but that involved finding something in the house sturdy enough to stand on to unscrew the glass bowl around the bulb and then reassemble :-P)
did 5 hours of homework (so i'm all set for monday)
that about sums it up... i'm totally not exciting, but you can SEE in my room now for the first time since i moved in.
for the most part i've not been wanting to deal with people lately... i'm moderately content cross-stitching and working on homework/fixing things 24/7 (since i haven't been sleeping well for the past bit anyhow), but once in awhile, someone manages to find me on the small bit of time each day that i'm up for socialization :-P here's today's story:
adam hughes called me on the phone while i was out running errands earlier
adam: hi lara! guess where i am!
me: um, valpo, i dunno
adam: i'm standing on bob the rock! how great is that?
me: that's pretty great -- congratulations!
adam: here, i think he wants to say something to you (puts phone down near the rock, and then picks it back up)
(resume with more normal conversation :-P)
yay for friends who call out of the blue just to make me laugh. :-)
excited to see jessica tomorrow... but for tonight, it's back to work... later dudes :-P
Friday, September 10, 2004
blood
isn't that a great catchy title?
it's been a long day... class, studying, pizza seminar (which went off just fine), then working on my cross stitch for awhile... none of which have anything to do with blood...
then, tonight was the annual 1st year/2nd year math grad student party... the guys volunteered for it to be at their house and i was feeling kinda bummy anyhow, so i wasn't all excited about going but scott convinced me i should... for the 2 hours i was there, i stood by the grill with mike and scott and helped flip burgers... blood comes in two ways... scott and i had never grilled before, so the burgers came out kinda rare, and we noticed them "bleeding" on the plate when we'd take them off, and have to put them back on the grill...
blood, part 2, comes from, the burgers had been frozen and needed to be detached from one another to cook... i was having more luck than scott pulling them apart, so that became my job... we got to one set that was so frozen together though that scott offered his pocket knife for me to stick between burgers and wedge them apart... i carefully aimed the blade away from me, and went to work... i was almost done when the stupid thing closed up on itself and sliced my pointer finger on my right hand pretty good... after hollering "shit", (which apparently makes a few people happy because it's one of the more severe words they generally can ever get out of me), mike helped me clean it up... it bled clear through the first bandaid that we put on it, so we iced it a little and put a second on... oh joy oh joy... it doesn't really hurt... and finger wounds do just bleed a lot (so yay for bandaids?), but i'm mostly just annoyed that the cut is where it is because it slows down my cross stitching ability greatly, which is frustrating because that's been my outlet to dealing with life for a bit lately...
anyhow, i smell like hamburger grill, and my finger is tightly bandaged and slowing down everything i do (like typing or sewing or writing), which is going to get old fast.
i have a ton of homework to get started on for next week though, so maybe the not being able to cross stitch as quickly as i'd like will encourage the getting homework done aspect of things tomorrow... i hope so, because jessica's coming up sunday (yay!) and i'm sure not doing homework then! :-P
altar guild in the morning... night y'all.
it's been a long day... class, studying, pizza seminar (which went off just fine), then working on my cross stitch for awhile... none of which have anything to do with blood...
then, tonight was the annual 1st year/2nd year math grad student party... the guys volunteered for it to be at their house and i was feeling kinda bummy anyhow, so i wasn't all excited about going but scott convinced me i should... for the 2 hours i was there, i stood by the grill with mike and scott and helped flip burgers... blood comes in two ways... scott and i had never grilled before, so the burgers came out kinda rare, and we noticed them "bleeding" on the plate when we'd take them off, and have to put them back on the grill...
blood, part 2, comes from, the burgers had been frozen and needed to be detached from one another to cook... i was having more luck than scott pulling them apart, so that became my job... we got to one set that was so frozen together though that scott offered his pocket knife for me to stick between burgers and wedge them apart... i carefully aimed the blade away from me, and went to work... i was almost done when the stupid thing closed up on itself and sliced my pointer finger on my right hand pretty good... after hollering "shit", (which apparently makes a few people happy because it's one of the more severe words they generally can ever get out of me), mike helped me clean it up... it bled clear through the first bandaid that we put on it, so we iced it a little and put a second on... oh joy oh joy... it doesn't really hurt... and finger wounds do just bleed a lot (so yay for bandaids?), but i'm mostly just annoyed that the cut is where it is because it slows down my cross stitching ability greatly, which is frustrating because that's been my outlet to dealing with life for a bit lately...
anyhow, i smell like hamburger grill, and my finger is tightly bandaged and slowing down everything i do (like typing or sewing or writing), which is going to get old fast.
i have a ton of homework to get started on for next week though, so maybe the not being able to cross stitch as quickly as i'd like will encourage the getting homework done aspect of things tomorrow... i hope so, because jessica's coming up sunday (yay!) and i'm sure not doing homework then! :-P
altar guild in the morning... night y'all.
TGIF... almost
what a week....
especially just the past 2 days gives you a good picture of me lately.
wednesday: wake up at 9am, work on topology homework til noon... brief shower/lunch/stretch break, then on to experimental math homework from 12:30 til 2:30, when i had to leave for my 2:50-4:10 class... the prof rambled and went overtime big time, so we were there til after 4:30... came home, and worked on homework again from 5pm til 10pm straight... then over to the guys' house for mike and jared to analyze my finances for me... that lasted til 11:30ish, when i went back home, finished homework and immediately crashed... that was at 1am.... let me tell you -- 16 hour days of work are NOT fun.
thursday wasn't as bad, but still... classes from 11:30 til 2:30 straight, then i took mike to the financial aid office (this had dual purpose... i wouldn't go to see if they could do anything for my debt on my own, and mike's ankle is in a brace from monday night, so he can't drive)... after being in that line for forever, and confirming that my only options are private loans or debt consolidation on account of my fellowship, i took mike to the bookstore to pick up his textbooks, dropped him off at his house, and then was back on campus just in time for the experimental math seminar, which was pretty good.... (the guy who runs the Online Encyclopedia of Integer Sequences was speaking... that got out at 5:30, when i promptly went home for "lunch" (no time from running around all day)... eric came over and we watched a movie, but colleen's VCR is screwy so while it was supposed to record joey and apprentice for me last night, it only recorded apprentice... then i worked until midnight after the movie, while watching the apprentice, then crashed. (i figured i earned a movie after wednesday and a long day thursday as well).
so finally, i'm here at friday... one class stands between me and the weekend... well, one class and pizza seminar. i'm in charge this year, so while i've no problem with harassing people to agree to be speakers and advertising for upcoming talks... ordering pizza through the department secretaries yesterday was new, and today i need to set up the room, get together half a dozen people to go get the freakin pizza, introduce the speaker, and clean up... it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's more than just coming and eating pizza like i've done before :-P... in short, i'll be relieved when i've been through the process once.... wish me luck!
time to get ready for class... oh joy, oh joy.
later dudes.
especially just the past 2 days gives you a good picture of me lately.
wednesday: wake up at 9am, work on topology homework til noon... brief shower/lunch/stretch break, then on to experimental math homework from 12:30 til 2:30, when i had to leave for my 2:50-4:10 class... the prof rambled and went overtime big time, so we were there til after 4:30... came home, and worked on homework again from 5pm til 10pm straight... then over to the guys' house for mike and jared to analyze my finances for me... that lasted til 11:30ish, when i went back home, finished homework and immediately crashed... that was at 1am.... let me tell you -- 16 hour days of work are NOT fun.
thursday wasn't as bad, but still... classes from 11:30 til 2:30 straight, then i took mike to the financial aid office (this had dual purpose... i wouldn't go to see if they could do anything for my debt on my own, and mike's ankle is in a brace from monday night, so he can't drive)... after being in that line for forever, and confirming that my only options are private loans or debt consolidation on account of my fellowship, i took mike to the bookstore to pick up his textbooks, dropped him off at his house, and then was back on campus just in time for the experimental math seminar, which was pretty good.... (the guy who runs the Online Encyclopedia of Integer Sequences was speaking... that got out at 5:30, when i promptly went home for "lunch" (no time from running around all day)... eric came over and we watched a movie, but colleen's VCR is screwy so while it was supposed to record joey and apprentice for me last night, it only recorded apprentice... then i worked until midnight after the movie, while watching the apprentice, then crashed. (i figured i earned a movie after wednesday and a long day thursday as well).
so finally, i'm here at friday... one class stands between me and the weekend... well, one class and pizza seminar. i'm in charge this year, so while i've no problem with harassing people to agree to be speakers and advertising for upcoming talks... ordering pizza through the department secretaries yesterday was new, and today i need to set up the room, get together half a dozen people to go get the freakin pizza, introduce the speaker, and clean up... it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's more than just coming and eating pizza like i've done before :-P... in short, i'll be relieved when i've been through the process once.... wish me luck!
time to get ready for class... oh joy, oh joy.
later dudes.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
just for laughs
here's the math department/lara's email gossip of the day.
(1) at the party last night, everyone (for the most part) was pretty drunk by 6/7pm apparently... so like mike, sometime between 5 and 7 pm jumped off the house's 6-8 foor off the ground balcony, and severely sprained his ankle... the guys decided to let him sleep it off until 4am when he woke up in great pain... then they took him to the hospital and discovered he'll need surgery... there's a lot more details i've forgotten but it's a completely wacked out story... the best part? mike, re: the whole ordeal, "yeah, i was doing it to impress women!"... um, ok...
(2) so catherine (aka new 1st year student who speaks her mind at immediately without thinking about it...) had an interesting exchange with the grad director in his algebraic geometry class this morning:
catherine: so, off the wall question: which came first, the (blah) approach to this or the (blah blah) approach?
prof.: if you were paying attention, we answered that monday
(5 minutes later)
catherine: well, i'm uncomfortable with that answer, can you tell me why i shouldn't be uncomfortable?
prof.: well, you're slouching... maybe if you sat up straight, you'd be comfortable
(for the next 5 minutes, after every sentence, the prof. apparently said "and this should make you more comfortable" or "and this should make you less comfortable")...
dude.
(3) meanwhile, while that class was going on, i was in combinatorics... aaron, a married 5th year student i've had one class with, comes in and sits next to me.... 5th years don't typically take classes, just sit in on things appropriate to their research, and combo is nothing to do with aaron's branch of algebra so... hmmm...
aaron: hi! i thought you liked algebra, not this stuff
me: um, no, the only thing that's certain is that i hate analysis... the rest is open for question... why are you in here?
aaron: oh, i decided it's good to learn to count better... we'll see how long it lasts
(pause for a couple minutes, then i notice aaron giving me a really weird look)
me: yes?
aaron: did you dye your hair?
me: um, no... maybe it changes color with the sun in the summer or something
aaron: oh, hmmm... well, if i never said so before, it's a real nice color
(4) after combo, i went to the student center to pick up lunch and on the way ran into mason, aka crazy fun friend from my budapest semester who visited a few times last year... i knew he was around and at the party last night but i hadn't seen him yet... he came with me to buy my lunch and then back to my office where we played with mind games (get the metal ring off this puzzle contraption, etc.) for an hour and a half an chatted with sarah... 5 minutes before my 2nd class of the day, andrew, even crazier BSM friend who i hadn't seen since europe, who rotates between rutgers, harvard, and some community college every few semesters, who in general looks/acts like he's stoned, shows up... hair/glasses totally different from before that i didn't recognize him at first... had a bizarre exchange with him before class
(5) no exciting topology stories, however....
(6) check out this email from eric's grandma to eric earlier today (recall eric and i stayed at her house in michigan for 2 days on our monster road trip in july)... i just about bust a gut laughing at the "thank her..." sentence that leigh came running into my room to check if i was ok :-P
~~~~~~~
Hi, Eric, Good hearing from you.
Please tell Lara that I gave her the book so no need to return it.
Thank her for turning my shower head so it really shoots heavy sprays
and feels great.
Let me know about the try out for the orchestra. Love, Grandma Adele
~~~~~~~
dude... so that's the gossip round the watering hole today... time for "scrubs" and then a movie (tonight's choice is "erin brokovich") with eric... night y'all
(1) at the party last night, everyone (for the most part) was pretty drunk by 6/7pm apparently... so like mike, sometime between 5 and 7 pm jumped off the house's 6-8 foor off the ground balcony, and severely sprained his ankle... the guys decided to let him sleep it off until 4am when he woke up in great pain... then they took him to the hospital and discovered he'll need surgery... there's a lot more details i've forgotten but it's a completely wacked out story... the best part? mike, re: the whole ordeal, "yeah, i was doing it to impress women!"... um, ok...
(2) so catherine (aka new 1st year student who speaks her mind at immediately without thinking about it...) had an interesting exchange with the grad director in his algebraic geometry class this morning:
catherine: so, off the wall question: which came first, the (blah) approach to this or the (blah blah) approach?
prof.: if you were paying attention, we answered that monday
(5 minutes later)
catherine: well, i'm uncomfortable with that answer, can you tell me why i shouldn't be uncomfortable?
prof.: well, you're slouching... maybe if you sat up straight, you'd be comfortable
(for the next 5 minutes, after every sentence, the prof. apparently said "and this should make you more comfortable" or "and this should make you less comfortable")...
dude.
(3) meanwhile, while that class was going on, i was in combinatorics... aaron, a married 5th year student i've had one class with, comes in and sits next to me.... 5th years don't typically take classes, just sit in on things appropriate to their research, and combo is nothing to do with aaron's branch of algebra so... hmmm...
aaron: hi! i thought you liked algebra, not this stuff
me: um, no, the only thing that's certain is that i hate analysis... the rest is open for question... why are you in here?
aaron: oh, i decided it's good to learn to count better... we'll see how long it lasts
(pause for a couple minutes, then i notice aaron giving me a really weird look)
me: yes?
aaron: did you dye your hair?
me: um, no... maybe it changes color with the sun in the summer or something
aaron: oh, hmmm... well, if i never said so before, it's a real nice color
(4) after combo, i went to the student center to pick up lunch and on the way ran into mason, aka crazy fun friend from my budapest semester who visited a few times last year... i knew he was around and at the party last night but i hadn't seen him yet... he came with me to buy my lunch and then back to my office where we played with mind games (get the metal ring off this puzzle contraption, etc.) for an hour and a half an chatted with sarah... 5 minutes before my 2nd class of the day, andrew, even crazier BSM friend who i hadn't seen since europe, who rotates between rutgers, harvard, and some community college every few semesters, who in general looks/acts like he's stoned, shows up... hair/glasses totally different from before that i didn't recognize him at first... had a bizarre exchange with him before class
(5) no exciting topology stories, however....
(6) check out this email from eric's grandma to eric earlier today (recall eric and i stayed at her house in michigan for 2 days on our monster road trip in july)... i just about bust a gut laughing at the "thank her..." sentence that leigh came running into my room to check if i was ok :-P
~~~~~~~
Hi, Eric, Good hearing from you.
Please tell Lara that I gave her the book so no need to return it.
Thank her for turning my shower head so it really shoots heavy sprays
and feels great.
Let me know about the try out for the orchestra. Love, Grandma Adele
~~~~~~~
dude... so that's the gossip round the watering hole today... time for "scrubs" and then a movie (tonight's choice is "erin brokovich") with eric... night y'all
Monday, September 06, 2004
on being a bum
the party of the year apparently is going on right now... i've been called by 6 different people asking why i'm not there... the answer is simple : i feel like being a bum and minding my own business, and i would really appreciate if people just let me do so without harassing me any more about it.
kinda like leigh, colleen, and i live together now -- jared, mike, scott, john, sam, and eric are in one house now too... they've been planning their labor day barbeque for quite some time... when leigh showed up mid afternoon and they asked where i was and she said i planned on staying put where i was, they promptly all took turns calling/IMing me and trying to convince me otherwise. the only one who i think actually heard what i was saying was jared... he said if i wanted to be antisocial i could come over, get a share of the free food, and take a nap in his bed, just so i'd be there, and when i said "don't take it personally, but i'm happy in my own room with a good book right now", he accepted that, with an "if you change your mind, we'll be over here and glad to see you" and let me go, instead of continuing to pester. at least there's one person who listens over there :-P
leigh called an hour ago... apparently they'd had beer pong out and running since like 4pm, and she had never seen or heard of anything like it. i've played before... with margarita mix/cheap tequila too... but seriously, if they've been drinking for hours already, and i'm tired, have a headache, and wouldn't want to be there long, it's not worth going over and being sober and grumpy just for the free food
so here i am.
i've been reading math all afternoon for the first time in weeks... i read a whole chapter in my combinatorics book, finally giving up on trying to do the exercises along the way after i got stuck on the first one for like and hour and a half... i can understand the examples they work out, i just can't solve the open ended stuff... i did solve all the suggested problems the prof gave on friday though, so i suppose that's good... he was a hard prof last year and i had an impossible time with his graph theory homework, so we'll see how this goes
i don't know what i want to do with my life... mathematically at least... i came in thinking i wanted to specialize in algebra or combinatorics... i know even more than a year ago that analysis is not an option for me, however algebra conceptually left me in the dust (because of easy grading professors who didn't make us learn the material) and graph theory left me in the dust (on account of a prof. that goes way faster than my mind can keep up)... i'm discouraged all around, and tired of stuff... but then again there's nothing non-math that i can think of being more excited about doing besides not working and that's not an option... so maybe i'm just in a blah mood all around to work through and then things will be better?... let's hope so.
next on the agenda? dinner and reading my new topology book.
aren't you jealous?
later dudes.
kinda like leigh, colleen, and i live together now -- jared, mike, scott, john, sam, and eric are in one house now too... they've been planning their labor day barbeque for quite some time... when leigh showed up mid afternoon and they asked where i was and she said i planned on staying put where i was, they promptly all took turns calling/IMing me and trying to convince me otherwise. the only one who i think actually heard what i was saying was jared... he said if i wanted to be antisocial i could come over, get a share of the free food, and take a nap in his bed, just so i'd be there, and when i said "don't take it personally, but i'm happy in my own room with a good book right now", he accepted that, with an "if you change your mind, we'll be over here and glad to see you" and let me go, instead of continuing to pester. at least there's one person who listens over there :-P
leigh called an hour ago... apparently they'd had beer pong out and running since like 4pm, and she had never seen or heard of anything like it. i've played before... with margarita mix/cheap tequila too... but seriously, if they've been drinking for hours already, and i'm tired, have a headache, and wouldn't want to be there long, it's not worth going over and being sober and grumpy just for the free food
so here i am.
i've been reading math all afternoon for the first time in weeks... i read a whole chapter in my combinatorics book, finally giving up on trying to do the exercises along the way after i got stuck on the first one for like and hour and a half... i can understand the examples they work out, i just can't solve the open ended stuff... i did solve all the suggested problems the prof gave on friday though, so i suppose that's good... he was a hard prof last year and i had an impossible time with his graph theory homework, so we'll see how this goes
i don't know what i want to do with my life... mathematically at least... i came in thinking i wanted to specialize in algebra or combinatorics... i know even more than a year ago that analysis is not an option for me, however algebra conceptually left me in the dust (because of easy grading professors who didn't make us learn the material) and graph theory left me in the dust (on account of a prof. that goes way faster than my mind can keep up)... i'm discouraged all around, and tired of stuff... but then again there's nothing non-math that i can think of being more excited about doing besides not working and that's not an option... so maybe i'm just in a blah mood all around to work through and then things will be better?... let's hope so.
next on the agenda? dinner and reading my new topology book.
aren't you jealous?
later dudes.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
remembering, part 2
Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.
Smile Big Because God Loves You and So Do I! ~Nicole Unrath, child of God, truly great friend, inspiration to many, and singer in the heavenly choir forever, :-), 9/30/1981 - 9/5/2003
Smile Big Because God Loves You and So Do I! ~Nicole Unrath, child of God, truly great friend, inspiration to many, and singer in the heavenly choir forever, :-), 9/30/1981 - 9/5/2003
Friday, September 03, 2004
remembering
a year ago tonight is the last time i talked to my friend nicole before she was unexpectedly killed in a car wreck september 5, 2003.
conversation excerpt:
nicole: wow, la, i'm actually kind of jealous -- you sound so much more settled and at home in jersey after a week than i feel in tampa after over a month!
me: i'm sorry... :-( it sounds like you have a great school though; if you keep looking, you just gotta find people our age eventually, right? God's got this one figured out, it's just hard to wait to see things turn out.
nicole: yeah, i hope so, i guess i just have to keep being patient and know God's timing is the best timing.
me: yeah, like it or not, understand it or not
those lines have haunted me for the past year -- one would hope they'd have gotten a hair easier to take hold of -- "God's time is the best time, like it or not, understand it or not" -- why is timing still such a difficult thing to handle?
later dudes.
conversation excerpt:
nicole: wow, la, i'm actually kind of jealous -- you sound so much more settled and at home in jersey after a week than i feel in tampa after over a month!
me: i'm sorry... :-( it sounds like you have a great school though; if you keep looking, you just gotta find people our age eventually, right? God's got this one figured out, it's just hard to wait to see things turn out.
nicole: yeah, i hope so, i guess i just have to keep being patient and know God's timing is the best timing.
me: yeah, like it or not, understand it or not
those lines have haunted me for the past year -- one would hope they'd have gotten a hair easier to take hold of -- "God's time is the best time, like it or not, understand it or not" -- why is timing still such a difficult thing to handle?
later dudes.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
sullen
this is my chance to vent away, so here it is:
i am annoyed and frustrated. i am tired and drained. i know why i didn't pass the qual, and i know i'm capable of passing in january. i know my fuse is short and little attention should be paid to all the things that have set me off lately, but here goes....
frustration #1: my old analysis prof from last fall semester has consistently looked right on past me and seemingly ignored me for the 8 months between when i finished his class last semester and tuesday of this week... since i failed the qual, he has greeted me with a smirk 3 times in as many days... coincidence? one of my friends thinks so, one things not... i don't know, but i find it mildly unsettling
frustration #2: just when i think i've done one thing good, i screw up... i'm in charge of pizza seminar, so i've been finding speakers, etc.... and decided to give the seminar website a face lift... the previous coordinator told me i was allowed to do whatever i wanted with the page, i should just keep it up to date... so i took the current web page that was there when i took over, and added a menu to the left hand side... today i get 2 annoyed emails, one from a department secretary, and one from an older grad student, and somehow i've screwed up how the pizza seminar webpage interacts with the rest of the seminar web page on the rutgers math server... i wrote them back that (1) i was unaware of any rules about the folder because the previous coordinator hadn't told me any (2) i was sorry for anything that i've inadvertently messed up for them, and (3) if they tell me what commands i need to put in the html file, then i'd gladly fix it... after a day of emailing around, they gave me instructions, but now someone's removed my access to the seminars webpage folder on the server.... extremely annoyed and feeling moderately belittled.... i thought i was doing something useful, i.e. making the seminar webpage easier to navigate, and here i am stepping on toes... why do i try?
frustration #3: it's been pointed out that the ONE american female student last year failed the qual, and all THREE of us this year failed this fall... while everyone trusts we can pass in the spring, at least one professor is concerned that the department is doing something wrong that needs to be fixed in the first year classes. really, i have no clue, but on a slightly different note, this frustrates me for another reason... scott, ben, and jared recently discovered that i hate being called (1) a girl, or (2) cute. it's specifically those two words i take issue with, and they can be used in reference to anyone else, just not me... here's at least a little of why:
even in high school with AP physics or ARML (our regional math team that went to national competitions), being a girl interested in math/physics, you were severely outnumbered. there was often this unspoken drive to prove that i really was as smart as the rest of the head of the class, and not just there and allowed to do stuff because i was a girl.
for my time at valpo, that wasn't an issue in the same way, but at my REU and in budapest, i somewhat felt it was -- that i needed to prove to myself that i was smart enought to be places.
similarly, now in grad school... when you apply for any math program of any sort, the following disclaimer is there:
"We solicit inquiries and applications from members of groups which have been historically under-represented in mathematics, such as women and minority groups. "
i HATE feeling like i'm somewhere because i'm filling some sort of quota. i know in the back of my head that rutgers would not have accepted any of me and my friends unless we truly were qualified and the sort of students they're looking for, but old habits die hard. it's not that i need to be all independent and the best at things... i just need to feel that i'm where i'm at based on some sort of merit, and not because i'm a girl.
so there it is... it's a twisted sort of pride thing -- i hate being called a girl, because in my mind there's still old triggers that associate it with weakness... being female is fine, being a *girl* in particular gets to me...
similarly with cute... that's another story for another day, but it has a connotation of some sort of helplessness that i really don't like... mostly it's just those two words in particular.
frustration #4: complete and total lack of motivation; i have great friends, i still love the general concept of studying math, and on most days i still like math... right now though, i'm getting my first week of mountains of homework assignments and i'm so tired i don't want to think about any of it... then again i don't want to do much of anything, school or otherwise, so it's not even that i want to get away from here in particular -- i want to get away from life for a bit... but i gotta earn a living somehow, so here i stay. :-P
i am soooo chipper today, aren't i?
ok, time to spare you all -- time for bed -- class with one of the professors that frustrates me most in the department bright and early tomorrow morning... oh joy oh joy.
night.
i am annoyed and frustrated. i am tired and drained. i know why i didn't pass the qual, and i know i'm capable of passing in january. i know my fuse is short and little attention should be paid to all the things that have set me off lately, but here goes....
frustration #1: my old analysis prof from last fall semester has consistently looked right on past me and seemingly ignored me for the 8 months between when i finished his class last semester and tuesday of this week... since i failed the qual, he has greeted me with a smirk 3 times in as many days... coincidence? one of my friends thinks so, one things not... i don't know, but i find it mildly unsettling
frustration #2: just when i think i've done one thing good, i screw up... i'm in charge of pizza seminar, so i've been finding speakers, etc.... and decided to give the seminar website a face lift... the previous coordinator told me i was allowed to do whatever i wanted with the page, i should just keep it up to date... so i took the current web page that was there when i took over, and added a menu to the left hand side... today i get 2 annoyed emails, one from a department secretary, and one from an older grad student, and somehow i've screwed up how the pizza seminar webpage interacts with the rest of the seminar web page on the rutgers math server... i wrote them back that (1) i was unaware of any rules about the folder because the previous coordinator hadn't told me any (2) i was sorry for anything that i've inadvertently messed up for them, and (3) if they tell me what commands i need to put in the html file, then i'd gladly fix it... after a day of emailing around, they gave me instructions, but now someone's removed my access to the seminars webpage folder on the server.... extremely annoyed and feeling moderately belittled.... i thought i was doing something useful, i.e. making the seminar webpage easier to navigate, and here i am stepping on toes... why do i try?
frustration #3: it's been pointed out that the ONE american female student last year failed the qual, and all THREE of us this year failed this fall... while everyone trusts we can pass in the spring, at least one professor is concerned that the department is doing something wrong that needs to be fixed in the first year classes. really, i have no clue, but on a slightly different note, this frustrates me for another reason... scott, ben, and jared recently discovered that i hate being called (1) a girl, or (2) cute. it's specifically those two words i take issue with, and they can be used in reference to anyone else, just not me... here's at least a little of why:
even in high school with AP physics or ARML (our regional math team that went to national competitions), being a girl interested in math/physics, you were severely outnumbered. there was often this unspoken drive to prove that i really was as smart as the rest of the head of the class, and not just there and allowed to do stuff because i was a girl.
for my time at valpo, that wasn't an issue in the same way, but at my REU and in budapest, i somewhat felt it was -- that i needed to prove to myself that i was smart enought to be places.
similarly, now in grad school... when you apply for any math program of any sort, the following disclaimer is there:
"We solicit inquiries and applications from members of groups which have been historically under-represented in mathematics, such as women and minority groups. "
i HATE feeling like i'm somewhere because i'm filling some sort of quota. i know in the back of my head that rutgers would not have accepted any of me and my friends unless we truly were qualified and the sort of students they're looking for, but old habits die hard. it's not that i need to be all independent and the best at things... i just need to feel that i'm where i'm at based on some sort of merit, and not because i'm a girl.
so there it is... it's a twisted sort of pride thing -- i hate being called a girl, because in my mind there's still old triggers that associate it with weakness... being female is fine, being a *girl* in particular gets to me...
similarly with cute... that's another story for another day, but it has a connotation of some sort of helplessness that i really don't like... mostly it's just those two words in particular.
frustration #4: complete and total lack of motivation; i have great friends, i still love the general concept of studying math, and on most days i still like math... right now though, i'm getting my first week of mountains of homework assignments and i'm so tired i don't want to think about any of it... then again i don't want to do much of anything, school or otherwise, so it's not even that i want to get away from here in particular -- i want to get away from life for a bit... but i gotta earn a living somehow, so here i stay. :-P
i am soooo chipper today, aren't i?
ok, time to spare you all -- time for bed -- class with one of the professors that frustrates me most in the department bright and early tomorrow morning... oh joy oh joy.
night.
... off and running
it's going to be an interesting semester.... soooo nice to not be in required classes anymore... in general the 5 required 1st year classes have an insane homework load, and most classes beyond that (1) don't assign grades below a B, and (2) are much more bearable.... now that i'm a second year, both of those facts are extremely comforting...
i had 3 of my 4 classes today... 1 i'm excited about, 2 will be ok, and the class i haven't had yet is with a really tough prof i had last semester.
the one i'm excited about is experiemental mathematics... usually you don't see those two words together... but we'll be spending the first few weeks learning how to use maple (a computer algebra program), and then learning about computer based proofs... it's in a computer lab with a cool israeli guy for the prof... some of the functions in maple are actually named after him, which i find hilarious.
had a nice drawn out lunch with sarah today... and starbucks after... i like chatting with her :-)
back to being a bum for a little bit -- i only have 1 of my textbooks so far (most profs didn't order copies and just told us today what we need), so it's kinda hard to work without them.
later dudes.
i had 3 of my 4 classes today... 1 i'm excited about, 2 will be ok, and the class i haven't had yet is with a really tough prof i had last semester.
the one i'm excited about is experiemental mathematics... usually you don't see those two words together... but we'll be spending the first few weeks learning how to use maple (a computer algebra program), and then learning about computer based proofs... it's in a computer lab with a cool israeli guy for the prof... some of the functions in maple are actually named after him, which i find hilarious.
had a nice drawn out lunch with sarah today... and starbucks after... i like chatting with her :-)
back to being a bum for a little bit -- i only have 1 of my textbooks so far (most profs didn't order copies and just told us today what we need), so it's kinda hard to work without them.
later dudes.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
yay for friends
a few quotes of the day:
Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: you may IM me if...
(1) you want to watch a movie/eat ice cream with me
(2) you want to read me a kids book (in person so i can see the pictures :-P)
(3) you want to help me light random objects on fire
(4) you want to go on a walk with me and kick every tree in the neighborhood
otherwise... you're well advised to keep your distance :-P
BlkDeth 13: i kinda wanna do all those things, just... can't.
A----Solace: Hey Lara.
lkp 42 42 42: hey
lkp 42 42 42: how are you?
A----Solace: I'm doing good. I just got back from Texas on Monday. I went wedding dress shopping for the first time.
lkp 42 42 42: oh fun
A----Solace: So how is your friend doing?
A----Solace: And most importantly how are you?
lkp 42 42 42: when was the last time i updated you?
A----Solace: Aug 15ish
lkp 42 42 42: her mom died on the 22nd... i was gone to toledo for the funeral half of last week, asleep the other half, and by far set the lower bound on the test the past two days
lkp 42 42 42: but scott, jared, and ben plan to teach "lara's going to ace the january qual 101" this semester
lkp 42 42 42: so i guess i can't totally give up :-P
lkp 42 42 42: in the meantime i gotta find october pizza seminar people
A----Solace: I'm sorry to hear that. Definately don't give up! Hell if Paul and I can do it! :-)
~~~~
A----Solace: Do you have class after that? Wanna go to lunch?
lkp 42 42 42: i have a class at 1:10 right after that
lkp 42 42 42: so i'm not free til 2:30
lkp 42 42 42: i'd go somewhere between then and my 4:30 class if you're still around
A----Solace: I'll stick around then.
(A----Solace = sarah... the one american female 3rd year student in the department... she failed the qual last fall and passed in the spring... and has had to make a lot of back and forth trips home to texas for family emergencies this year... we like sarah, because in general she's incredibly nice, but also she can relate to me right now a lot more than most people around here)
indeed... yay for friends...
and here's the final 2... poor scott:
lkp 42 42 42: lol -- i went to buy my combinatorics textbook on amazon just now
lkp 42 42 42: and the first option is to put it on your credit card b/c that's the last purchase my account made
lkp 42 42 42: you're lucky i'm honest ;-)
smswtshnn: lol, you'd better be!
lkp 42 42 42: colleen and leigh are playing board games without me
lkp 42 42 42: thye just decided they want to play twister
(long pause)
lkp 42 42 42: you have *no* response to that?
smswtshnn: what, colleen and leigh playing twister??
lkp 42 42 42: yeah
smswtshnn: haha, i don't think that ones needs a response
smswtshnn: i'm sure you can picture my face and that's good enough
lkp 42 42 42: there is no good one, but it's a funny sentence
lkp 42 42 42: i can
smswtshnn: lol
night y'all.
Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: you may IM me if...
(1) you want to watch a movie/eat ice cream with me
(2) you want to read me a kids book (in person so i can see the pictures :-P)
(3) you want to help me light random objects on fire
(4) you want to go on a walk with me and kick every tree in the neighborhood
otherwise... you're well advised to keep your distance :-P
BlkDeth 13: i kinda wanna do all those things, just... can't.
A----Solace: Hey Lara.
lkp 42 42 42: hey
lkp 42 42 42: how are you?
A----Solace: I'm doing good. I just got back from Texas on Monday. I went wedding dress shopping for the first time.
lkp 42 42 42: oh fun
A----Solace: So how is your friend doing?
A----Solace: And most importantly how are you?
lkp 42 42 42: when was the last time i updated you?
A----Solace: Aug 15ish
lkp 42 42 42: her mom died on the 22nd... i was gone to toledo for the funeral half of last week, asleep the other half, and by far set the lower bound on the test the past two days
lkp 42 42 42: but scott, jared, and ben plan to teach "lara's going to ace the january qual 101" this semester
lkp 42 42 42: so i guess i can't totally give up :-P
lkp 42 42 42: in the meantime i gotta find october pizza seminar people
A----Solace: I'm sorry to hear that. Definately don't give up! Hell if Paul and I can do it! :-)
~~~~
A----Solace: Do you have class after that? Wanna go to lunch?
lkp 42 42 42: i have a class at 1:10 right after that
lkp 42 42 42: so i'm not free til 2:30
lkp 42 42 42: i'd go somewhere between then and my 4:30 class if you're still around
A----Solace: I'll stick around then.
(A----Solace = sarah... the one american female 3rd year student in the department... she failed the qual last fall and passed in the spring... and has had to make a lot of back and forth trips home to texas for family emergencies this year... we like sarah, because in general she's incredibly nice, but also she can relate to me right now a lot more than most people around here)
indeed... yay for friends...
and here's the final 2... poor scott:
lkp 42 42 42: lol -- i went to buy my combinatorics textbook on amazon just now
lkp 42 42 42: and the first option is to put it on your credit card b/c that's the last purchase my account made
lkp 42 42 42: you're lucky i'm honest ;-)
smswtshnn: lol, you'd better be!
lkp 42 42 42: colleen and leigh are playing board games without me
lkp 42 42 42: thye just decided they want to play twister
(long pause)
lkp 42 42 42: you have *no* response to that?
smswtshnn: what, colleen and leigh playing twister??
lkp 42 42 42: yeah
smswtshnn: haha, i don't think that ones needs a response
smswtshnn: i'm sure you can picture my face and that's good enough
lkp 42 42 42: there is no good one, but it's a funny sentence
lkp 42 42 42: i can
smswtshnn: lol
night y'all.
garden state
= movie that scott, eric, and me went to see tonight... it was incredibly good.
i mostly wanted to see it because the guy from scrubs was the director/producer/main actor and the previews had some interesting imagery,... turned out to be an amazing movie.
plot?
andrew (zach braff) is a 26 year old actor in LA who hasn't been home in 10 years... his dad calls him to tell him his mom died and he needs to come home for the funeral... in the 4 days he's there, which are also the first 4 days of his life since he was 10 that he hasn't been insanely medicated for depression, he meets up with both old and new friends who eventually help him come to the conclusion, that no matter what it is, or how good or bad it is, life is meant to be felt.... after much running around with friends and getting close to a crazy epileptic girl (natalie portman), eventually andrew comes to terms with the fact that although his dad (also his psychiatrist) has meant well and been trying to make him "happy" all his life, maybe things don't need to be fixed, and maybe it's ok to not be happy all the time... that even if it's pain, they just need to feel.
(that was a circular summary paragraph, wasn't it? :-P)
favorite quotes:
Andrew: F***, this hurts.
Sam : I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it f***ing hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.
Andrew : Have fun searching the infinite abyss.
Albert : You too.
later dudes
i mostly wanted to see it because the guy from scrubs was the director/producer/main actor and the previews had some interesting imagery,... turned out to be an amazing movie.
plot?
andrew (zach braff) is a 26 year old actor in LA who hasn't been home in 10 years... his dad calls him to tell him his mom died and he needs to come home for the funeral... in the 4 days he's there, which are also the first 4 days of his life since he was 10 that he hasn't been insanely medicated for depression, he meets up with both old and new friends who eventually help him come to the conclusion, that no matter what it is, or how good or bad it is, life is meant to be felt.... after much running around with friends and getting close to a crazy epileptic girl (natalie portman), eventually andrew comes to terms with the fact that although his dad (also his psychiatrist) has meant well and been trying to make him "happy" all his life, maybe things don't need to be fixed, and maybe it's ok to not be happy all the time... that even if it's pain, they just need to feel.
(that was a circular summary paragraph, wasn't it? :-P)
favorite quotes:
Andrew: F***, this hurts.
Sam : I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it f***ing hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.
Andrew : Have fun searching the infinite abyss.
Albert : You too.
later dudes
recovering
an email:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lara,
You did not pass the written qualifying exams this time around.
I suspect this is due to your recent trip to Ohio as much as anything.
You scored (withheld)/60 on Day 1 and (withheld)/60 on Day 2.
Please come to my office to view your exam, and to talk.
Best wishes, Chuck Weibel (as grad director)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
that sums up my day.
i am one of 4 people my year who didn't pass, so at least i'm not alone (eric, colleen, and leigh are in my boat too but for different reasons... interesting though, i think, that we're the 4 who struggled most with analysis all year no matter what our other strengths).... the other 3 have all commented that they're jealous i have an excuse (i.e. how much non-math stress has been going on in my life lately)... i don't know if it's good, or if i'm mad at myself b/c i don't want my life to be an "excuse" when it comes to school... mostly i have problems with the word excuse i think.
let me tell you though, i have good friends...
upon hearing about the qual, ben, leigh, and i went to starbucks... they let me sit there and just be sullen for a bit, and then decided a park was a good idea... when i didn't even try to swing, leigh started pushing me from behind, and ben started pushing my knees from in front of me, so that i didn't even have to try to get going high... that was moderately amusing....
then, ben, leigh, colleen... well, pretty much everyone went to a barbeque for the new 1st years at the grad director's house -- everyone but me and eric that is... we went to align my telescope while it was still daylight, went to subway for dinner and then both went home for an hour... in my case it was to watch scrubs (more on that in a second), in eric's case to clean his room.
after scrubs, i picked up eric and we took my telescope out stargazing for the first time in months... we tried a new place, a park we'd done a lot of studying at that is dark, but also has a wide open field in the middle of it too -- perfect.... after being out for a bit over an hour, we came back to eric's house for hot cocoa
there, scott and jared were up, joined us for the cocoa, and then entertained me for a bit after eric went to bed... well, not so much entertained, but tried to get me to actually vocalize how i feel about everything going on right now... they've offered that i can crash on the boy house couch whenever i want if i ever get tired of being in a girl apartment for awhile...
apparently they both really want to see me pass the test in january too and not give up on myself... besides making lists of things lara likes to do and things i really need to stop saying to myself, when comparing classes and i commented to scott "oh we have 3 together", he responded "no 4 -- (lists the 3 we're both registered for), and helping lara pass the qual 101!"... jared's volunteered to be analysis genie, and scott wants to enlighten me about topology... ben had volunteered earlier in the day to help me and leigh if we'll teach him what a manifold is when we learn in differential geometry this semester.
right now? i feel overwhelmed and moderately bummed... in time it will get better... at the moment, lots of emotions and things going on, and i just need to let myself crack and work the bad emotions out of my system.
i said i'd get back to scrubs -- it made me laugh my head off for half an hour, so it gets bonus points for that -- but also, for the requisite "moral of the story" line at the end -- j.d. wrapped up the show with "so in the hospital, making it through the day is all about relationships -- whether you're starting a new one, relying on the old ones, or figuring out how old ones work in a new way -- friends are the only way to make it through"... i guess it applies to grad school too ;-) i'm sure glad i have friends who don't give up on me, because pretty sure i don't have the energy to not give up on me myself right now.
the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lara,
You did not pass the written qualifying exams this time around.
I suspect this is due to your recent trip to Ohio as much as anything.
You scored (withheld)/60 on Day 1 and (withheld)/60 on Day 2.
Please come to my office to view your exam, and to talk.
Best wishes, Chuck Weibel (as grad director)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
that sums up my day.
i am one of 4 people my year who didn't pass, so at least i'm not alone (eric, colleen, and leigh are in my boat too but for different reasons... interesting though, i think, that we're the 4 who struggled most with analysis all year no matter what our other strengths).... the other 3 have all commented that they're jealous i have an excuse (i.e. how much non-math stress has been going on in my life lately)... i don't know if it's good, or if i'm mad at myself b/c i don't want my life to be an "excuse" when it comes to school... mostly i have problems with the word excuse i think.
let me tell you though, i have good friends...
upon hearing about the qual, ben, leigh, and i went to starbucks... they let me sit there and just be sullen for a bit, and then decided a park was a good idea... when i didn't even try to swing, leigh started pushing me from behind, and ben started pushing my knees from in front of me, so that i didn't even have to try to get going high... that was moderately amusing....
then, ben, leigh, colleen... well, pretty much everyone went to a barbeque for the new 1st years at the grad director's house -- everyone but me and eric that is... we went to align my telescope while it was still daylight, went to subway for dinner and then both went home for an hour... in my case it was to watch scrubs (more on that in a second), in eric's case to clean his room.
after scrubs, i picked up eric and we took my telescope out stargazing for the first time in months... we tried a new place, a park we'd done a lot of studying at that is dark, but also has a wide open field in the middle of it too -- perfect.... after being out for a bit over an hour, we came back to eric's house for hot cocoa
there, scott and jared were up, joined us for the cocoa, and then entertained me for a bit after eric went to bed... well, not so much entertained, but tried to get me to actually vocalize how i feel about everything going on right now... they've offered that i can crash on the boy house couch whenever i want if i ever get tired of being in a girl apartment for awhile...
apparently they both really want to see me pass the test in january too and not give up on myself... besides making lists of things lara likes to do and things i really need to stop saying to myself, when comparing classes and i commented to scott "oh we have 3 together", he responded "no 4 -- (lists the 3 we're both registered for), and helping lara pass the qual 101!"... jared's volunteered to be analysis genie, and scott wants to enlighten me about topology... ben had volunteered earlier in the day to help me and leigh if we'll teach him what a manifold is when we learn in differential geometry this semester.
right now? i feel overwhelmed and moderately bummed... in time it will get better... at the moment, lots of emotions and things going on, and i just need to let myself crack and work the bad emotions out of my system.
i said i'd get back to scrubs -- it made me laugh my head off for half an hour, so it gets bonus points for that -- but also, for the requisite "moral of the story" line at the end -- j.d. wrapped up the show with "so in the hospital, making it through the day is all about relationships -- whether you're starting a new one, relying on the old ones, or figuring out how old ones work in a new way -- friends are the only way to make it through"... i guess it applies to grad school too ;-) i'm sure glad i have friends who don't give up on me, because pretty sure i don't have the energy to not give up on me myself right now.
the end.
Monday, August 30, 2004
all in a (qual) day's work
i figure if i do well tomorrow, i'll have plenty to say, but if i don't, you won't ever hear about the "fun" i'm going through with my friends this week.
today and tomorrow is the 2 day extravaganza known as written quals. this is a 2 day test that's supposed to be your chance to prove you know the material from first year classes exceedingly well. if you don't pass the first try (fall of your 2nd year), you have to pass on the 2nd try or your out of the program.
a little on scoring to make the rest of my current rant slightly more comprehensible. today from 9am til noon, we had 9 problems. we had to do the first 3, and got to choose 3 of the remaining 6. same format tomorrow. each problem you do gets graded on a scale from 0 to 10 points. generally getting 70 or more points over the 2 days guarantees you pass.
today, i felt good leaving the test (i turned in 5, 3 of which i felt moderately good about), but as happens for everyone, once you start discussing problems with other people you realize silly mistakes or start second guessing yourself... for that reason, i'll say i got 1 problem for sure, and will not bet on anything else.
if you want to see the kind of fun they put us through.... this morning's half of the exam looked like this:
after that fun, at least i can be thankful that my math guys take care of me... as soon as i got home from the test, scott IMed me to ask what people were doing for the rest of the day, with a "p.s. i really want to go on a road trip!"... of course i was game, and although leigh, colleen, eric, and jared passed it up, ben came with us,.... me, scott, and ben on a day trip -- as if we don't have enough stories of the 3 of us already from the rest of the summer....
one hitch... so i was supposed to pick up scott and have him read stop that ball to me before we picked up ben, who was running some errands on campus -- we had a great time with the book, it was our first time to read it... however, leaving scott's house, i, in my tired state from waking up every 45 minutes from how hot our apartment was last night, backed straight into their mailbox... the mailbox was at an angle, and scott fixed it, but otherwise ok... the spoiler on the back of my car now has a deep 4-5 inch gash through the paint job... thankfully the spoiler is plastic and not metal, so although it looks retarded, it won't rust. anyhow, after that event, we decided ben was in charge of driving for the day (in my car), and i was in charge of switching out the CDs :-P...
we had no plan other than to head north, which we did... we took 287 (the biggest interstate loop around NYC, up to the last new york exit before a toll to cross the hudson, then chose an arbitrary highway to go from there... we ended up at a state park around a lake with a lot of swans and just chilled, happy to be away from the math building, until it looked like a major storm was about to start...
then, we took the long way back to jersey, dealing with added traffic on account of the republican convention starting on top of regular rush hour = absolutely insane... we stopped for slurpees at a 7-11 halfway back (scott had never had a slurpee EVER before! -- weird wisconsin boys....), and then they treated me to dinner at the diner that has the best cheesecake in jersey before we all went back home... it was a quality day; if nothing else, just good to get away from math for awhile.
now, here it is midnight, and my apartment is still sweltering hot -- and this is me, who has the only room with a ceiling fan, and it's been on max speed for the past week! -- .. up in 7 hours to do the same 9-noon fun... only this time i'll be done with it in 12 hours, and in 24, or at most 48, i should know the outcome.... dum dum dum.
we shall see.
night.
today and tomorrow is the 2 day extravaganza known as written quals. this is a 2 day test that's supposed to be your chance to prove you know the material from first year classes exceedingly well. if you don't pass the first try (fall of your 2nd year), you have to pass on the 2nd try or your out of the program.
a little on scoring to make the rest of my current rant slightly more comprehensible. today from 9am til noon, we had 9 problems. we had to do the first 3, and got to choose 3 of the remaining 6. same format tomorrow. each problem you do gets graded on a scale from 0 to 10 points. generally getting 70 or more points over the 2 days guarantees you pass.
today, i felt good leaving the test (i turned in 5, 3 of which i felt moderately good about), but as happens for everyone, once you start discussing problems with other people you realize silly mistakes or start second guessing yourself... for that reason, i'll say i got 1 problem for sure, and will not bet on anything else.
if you want to see the kind of fun they put us through.... this morning's half of the exam looked like this:
after that fun, at least i can be thankful that my math guys take care of me... as soon as i got home from the test, scott IMed me to ask what people were doing for the rest of the day, with a "p.s. i really want to go on a road trip!"... of course i was game, and although leigh, colleen, eric, and jared passed it up, ben came with us,.... me, scott, and ben on a day trip -- as if we don't have enough stories of the 3 of us already from the rest of the summer....
one hitch... so i was supposed to pick up scott and have him read stop that ball to me before we picked up ben, who was running some errands on campus -- we had a great time with the book, it was our first time to read it... however, leaving scott's house, i, in my tired state from waking up every 45 minutes from how hot our apartment was last night, backed straight into their mailbox... the mailbox was at an angle, and scott fixed it, but otherwise ok... the spoiler on the back of my car now has a deep 4-5 inch gash through the paint job... thankfully the spoiler is plastic and not metal, so although it looks retarded, it won't rust. anyhow, after that event, we decided ben was in charge of driving for the day (in my car), and i was in charge of switching out the CDs :-P...
we had no plan other than to head north, which we did... we took 287 (the biggest interstate loop around NYC, up to the last new york exit before a toll to cross the hudson, then chose an arbitrary highway to go from there... we ended up at a state park around a lake with a lot of swans and just chilled, happy to be away from the math building, until it looked like a major storm was about to start...
then, we took the long way back to jersey, dealing with added traffic on account of the republican convention starting on top of regular rush hour = absolutely insane... we stopped for slurpees at a 7-11 halfway back (scott had never had a slurpee EVER before! -- weird wisconsin boys....), and then they treated me to dinner at the diner that has the best cheesecake in jersey before we all went back home... it was a quality day; if nothing else, just good to get away from math for awhile.
now, here it is midnight, and my apartment is still sweltering hot -- and this is me, who has the only room with a ceiling fan, and it's been on max speed for the past week! -- .. up in 7 hours to do the same 9-noon fun... only this time i'll be done with it in 12 hours, and in 24, or at most 48, i should know the outcome.... dum dum dum.
we shall see.
night.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
11 hours and counting
in 11 hours, i will be 20 minutes in to my first of two 3 hour bouts with written quals... i am not excited.
earlier in the summer it was hard to get motivated -- for just about everyone, but suddenly when most of us made it back to campus at the start of august, quality group study time began...
up until a week ago i was hoping to be prepared enough to at least have a shot at the borderline between passing and not, but the stress of the past week got to me... i didn't study at all last sunday through late yesterday -- the first half of that on account of being out of town (which i don't feel bad about at all), the last half of that on account of being asleep and recovering from the first half of the week (i go back and forth feeling bad about that)... the truth is though -- when a test is supposed to test a year's worth of work, you can't learn much in the last 24 hours.
so today has been review... i don't know nearly as much of the qual syllabus material as i should, but there's a few types of problems that if they show up, i should be able to solve... the problem is in general you need to solve 7 problems right over the 12 you do in 2 days... that's a bit much of a stretch for how much i know i know.
it's interesting to watch how different people work under stress... i was working dedicatedly earlier today, and as it gets towards bedtime, i'm ready to crash, get up early to review some key formulas, and call it a night...
a few of the guys just gave up earlier, but i get the impression that they're back at it again tonight, cramming in last minute facts.
colleen claims to have been resigned to failure for awhile, but insists on studying so that she knows she studied as much as possible when she tells her family how she did.
i don't know what philosophy is best. i just know that at noon tomorrow, i'll be ready for a nap,... but no matter how the morning goes, tomorrow afternoon is study again to dredge through the system again on tuesday... we are NOT excited.
biggest fear right now? being the ONLY person from my class to fail.
is it ironic that i keep hearing the last bit of "casey at the bat" in my head?
we shall see.
night.
earlier in the summer it was hard to get motivated -- for just about everyone, but suddenly when most of us made it back to campus at the start of august, quality group study time began...
up until a week ago i was hoping to be prepared enough to at least have a shot at the borderline between passing and not, but the stress of the past week got to me... i didn't study at all last sunday through late yesterday -- the first half of that on account of being out of town (which i don't feel bad about at all), the last half of that on account of being asleep and recovering from the first half of the week (i go back and forth feeling bad about that)... the truth is though -- when a test is supposed to test a year's worth of work, you can't learn much in the last 24 hours.
so today has been review... i don't know nearly as much of the qual syllabus material as i should, but there's a few types of problems that if they show up, i should be able to solve... the problem is in general you need to solve 7 problems right over the 12 you do in 2 days... that's a bit much of a stretch for how much i know i know.
it's interesting to watch how different people work under stress... i was working dedicatedly earlier today, and as it gets towards bedtime, i'm ready to crash, get up early to review some key formulas, and call it a night...
a few of the guys just gave up earlier, but i get the impression that they're back at it again tonight, cramming in last minute facts.
colleen claims to have been resigned to failure for awhile, but insists on studying so that she knows she studied as much as possible when she tells her family how she did.
i don't know what philosophy is best. i just know that at noon tomorrow, i'll be ready for a nap,... but no matter how the morning goes, tomorrow afternoon is study again to dredge through the system again on tuesday... we are NOT excited.
biggest fear right now? being the ONLY person from my class to fail.
is it ironic that i keep hearing the last bit of "casey at the bat" in my head?
we shall see.
night.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
a song
these are the words to a song that i think is absolutely perfect for this week... "hard to get" by rich mullins... it's songs like this that make him my favorite lyricist ever...
trivia: this song comes off "the jesus demos", a tape of songs he made on his own to prepare for the CD he was in the middle working on when he was killed in a car wreck in 1997. the whole disc is kinda haunting/amazing just for that, but yeah...
like i said, i think these words are just perfect right now, enjoy:
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.
trivia: this song comes off "the jesus demos", a tape of songs he made on his own to prepare for the CD he was in the middle working on when he was killed in a car wreck in 1997. the whole disc is kinda haunting/amazing just for that, but yeah...
like i said, i think these words are just perfect right now, enjoy:
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.
magnet poetry
for some reason, i have the "christian" version of those refrigerator magnets that have words for you to make poetry... this leads to some interesting word choice... nonetheless, here's my attempt at bad poetry this week.
last saturday:
bad life
ghost world
temptation to never hope
deliver of dark
heavy song
want strength
today:
patient for
freedom & peace
weep but believe
evil is over
rejoice & embrace
joy in knowing
when death forever die
pray always eternally
to resurrect
last saturday:
bad life
ghost world
temptation to never hope
deliver of dark
heavy song
want strength
today:
patient for
freedom & peace
weep but believe
evil is over
rejoice & embrace
joy in knowing
when death forever die
pray always eternally
to resurrect
one more quote
BlkDeth 13: hey cutie
lkp 42 42 42: i don't know if that's the word for me right now :-P, but hi
BlkDeth 13: it's ALWAYS the right word.
BlkDeth 13: *nods*
lkp 42 42 42: i don't know if that's the word for me right now :-P, but hi
BlkDeth 13: it's ALWAYS the right word.
BlkDeth 13: *nods*
quote of the day
lkp 42 42 42: thanks for being my pew buddy wednesday
davrbeagle: you're welcome. I'm glad I could be Lara's Lara. ;-)
(quote from tuesday that puts that into context :-P -- kristin's dad comes home, chats with me and her late at night... kristin's dad (to kristin): "thanks for letting me have some time out tonight -- that group was my lara today")
i am now a common noun as well as a proper one -- how about that :-P
davrbeagle: you're welcome. I'm glad I could be Lara's Lara. ;-)
(quote from tuesday that puts that into context :-P -- kristin's dad comes home, chats with me and her late at night... kristin's dad (to kristin): "thanks for letting me have some time out tonight -- that group was my lara today")
i am now a common noun as well as a proper one -- how about that :-P
Friday, August 27, 2004
advice
my 7th grade cousin's advice on quals:
s---8117: omg i hope u guys do good
s---8117: study hard
s---8117: as ur lil cuz i want u 2 do great on that test and ace it
s---8117: lol
s---8117: well make sure u git good rest a great breakfast and try ur hardest
s---8117: yeah
s---8117: i will b prayin 4 all u
s---8117: ppl
s---8117: tell every1 4 me good luck and try ur best
s---8117: omg i hope u guys do good
s---8117: study hard
s---8117: as ur lil cuz i want u 2 do great on that test and ace it
s---8117: lol
s---8117: well make sure u git good rest a great breakfast and try ur hardest
s---8117: yeah
s---8117: i will b prayin 4 all u
s---8117: ppl
s---8117: tell every1 4 me good luck and try ur best
moving on
so much for sleep... the opinion of the grad director earlier today was "so, don't do anything today -- go home, eat lots of vegetables, go to sleep early... then try to study for an hour or two tomorrow... same sunday... try to take the test... the way it sounds, you'll find a way to be mad at yourself no matter what you do about the qual, so you might as well take it, and hey, maybe you'll surprise yourself and do better than you anticipate, although i'm sure you'll find a reason to be frustrated with yourself then too!"
after that, i went to ben's place for a couple hours. he was put in charge of a barbecue tonight for the incoming first year grad students since he's like the only older student who still lives in the grad dorms on campus; i kept him company and ate watermelon
i have a headache and didn't feel like meeting new people so i'm home and ben's bringing me leftovers whenever things finish up there.
i've been living since wednesday with a mountain of stuff on my floor -- from packing in a hurry late sunday night, and from just dumping what i came back with on the floor and leaving it there. sorted through that, found needing-to-be-paid very soon bills, and am ready to collapse again -- at least i can see my floor, right?
i don't know about this taking the exam thing... i mean i'd feel like i'm making excuses if i didn't take it next week; but i also feel like there's no way to get the energy i need to do well, and i've been out of math mode for nearly a week now, which is not helping either... several other people are convinced they won't pass this time either though, so at least i'll have company, right?
on the other hand, i'm sitting here, with the bulletin from kristin's mom's funeral sitting on my desk, because i want to save it and i don't have a better place for it (that's where the bulletin from nicole's funeral was all last year)... it's beautiful... the cover has a sunset over the ocean and says "Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:39"... the whole service was beautiful -- focused on the resurrection and "happy easter karen!" (kristin's mom)... i'm glad i was able to make it out there to grieve with kristin and her dad and be as helpful as i could for the 3 days i was there... i know that the focus of the funeral is the right focus -- that kristin's mom is in heaven now, and for the first time since she contracted polio 50 years ago, she is pain free! on the other hand it hurts -- not only am i sad to see her go; even more it's so hard to see my best friend go through so much pain. the past year was plenty trying for both of us for various reasons. it started out with losing nicole, and got increasingly stressful from there. but now, her mom, one of her best friends, is gone -- and so quickly too... it hurts me to see her have to sort through so much pain.
so yeah, i continue to be bummed... it's gonna take awhile... so be it.
tomorrow is back to math day... tonight is nurse my headache and be a bum night. later.
after that, i went to ben's place for a couple hours. he was put in charge of a barbecue tonight for the incoming first year grad students since he's like the only older student who still lives in the grad dorms on campus; i kept him company and ate watermelon
i have a headache and didn't feel like meeting new people so i'm home and ben's bringing me leftovers whenever things finish up there.
i've been living since wednesday with a mountain of stuff on my floor -- from packing in a hurry late sunday night, and from just dumping what i came back with on the floor and leaving it there. sorted through that, found needing-to-be-paid very soon bills, and am ready to collapse again -- at least i can see my floor, right?
i don't know about this taking the exam thing... i mean i'd feel like i'm making excuses if i didn't take it next week; but i also feel like there's no way to get the energy i need to do well, and i've been out of math mode for nearly a week now, which is not helping either... several other people are convinced they won't pass this time either though, so at least i'll have company, right?
on the other hand, i'm sitting here, with the bulletin from kristin's mom's funeral sitting on my desk, because i want to save it and i don't have a better place for it (that's where the bulletin from nicole's funeral was all last year)... it's beautiful... the cover has a sunset over the ocean and says "Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:39"... the whole service was beautiful -- focused on the resurrection and "happy easter karen!" (kristin's mom)... i'm glad i was able to make it out there to grieve with kristin and her dad and be as helpful as i could for the 3 days i was there... i know that the focus of the funeral is the right focus -- that kristin's mom is in heaven now, and for the first time since she contracted polio 50 years ago, she is pain free! on the other hand it hurts -- not only am i sad to see her go; even more it's so hard to see my best friend go through so much pain. the past year was plenty trying for both of us for various reasons. it started out with losing nicole, and got increasingly stressful from there. but now, her mom, one of her best friends, is gone -- and so quickly too... it hurts me to see her have to sort through so much pain.
so yeah, i continue to be bummed... it's gonna take awhile... so be it.
tomorrow is back to math day... tonight is nurse my headache and be a bum night. later.
ode to naptime
me: (staring blankly into space)
mike: (staring at me)
me: what?
mike: sorry, i can't help it; i really miss your smile
me: oh... you might have to wait a few weeks to see it again...
at least i have good friends around here, right?
since i've been back from ohio, i've been asleep 80% of the time... at least i vary location... wednesday night, i slept in my bed til 2pm... ran errands with ben's help (i wasn't coordinated enough to be trusted to drive), then curled up on the couch at my place for an hour before we went to the guys' house for dinner... there, i immediately curled up on scott's bedroom floor while people cooked and chatted... after leigh, colleen, and i got home, i curled up on the couch again to fall asleep to a movie, and ben came to join me... i almost fell asleep on ben's shoulder during the movie, but colleen came in to ask ben "dude, did she actually fall asleep again", and that startled me and woke me up... after the movie, i did fall asleep on ben's shoulder for an hour and a half before i decided my room was much less warm on account of my ceiling fan, and had been asleep again there until just now.... seriously, i've been awake for about 6 hours total since i got back.
i am a slacker... everyone else is taking a practice qual right now at the math building since that takes place monday and tuesday... i, on the other hand, woke up over an hour after they started and have been in comfy clothes in my room since...
i have a meeting with the grad director this afternoon... i plan to say "so, you know where i've been this week... i'm exhausted and drained, and no matter what i do, my first priority is sleep for the next week... if you were in my situation, what would you do about the qual?" we'll see how that goes..,.. because heck, if i take the test next week like i probably should, there is not a chance that i'm awake or coherent enough to pass. so be it.
so yeah, that's me right now -- a tired, grumpy, exhausted bum... isn't that fun?
mike: (staring at me)
me: what?
mike: sorry, i can't help it; i really miss your smile
me: oh... you might have to wait a few weeks to see it again...
at least i have good friends around here, right?
since i've been back from ohio, i've been asleep 80% of the time... at least i vary location... wednesday night, i slept in my bed til 2pm... ran errands with ben's help (i wasn't coordinated enough to be trusted to drive), then curled up on the couch at my place for an hour before we went to the guys' house for dinner... there, i immediately curled up on scott's bedroom floor while people cooked and chatted... after leigh, colleen, and i got home, i curled up on the couch again to fall asleep to a movie, and ben came to join me... i almost fell asleep on ben's shoulder during the movie, but colleen came in to ask ben "dude, did she actually fall asleep again", and that startled me and woke me up... after the movie, i did fall asleep on ben's shoulder for an hour and a half before i decided my room was much less warm on account of my ceiling fan, and had been asleep again there until just now.... seriously, i've been awake for about 6 hours total since i got back.
i am a slacker... everyone else is taking a practice qual right now at the math building since that takes place monday and tuesday... i, on the other hand, woke up over an hour after they started and have been in comfy clothes in my room since...
i have a meeting with the grad director this afternoon... i plan to say "so, you know where i've been this week... i'm exhausted and drained, and no matter what i do, my first priority is sleep for the next week... if you were in my situation, what would you do about the qual?" we'll see how that goes..,.. because heck, if i take the test next week like i probably should, there is not a chance that i'm awake or coherent enough to pass. so be it.
so yeah, that's me right now -- a tired, grumpy, exhausted bum... isn't that fun?
Thursday, August 26, 2004
current status
my away message last night:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the past 24 hours of my life?
3-7 am: longest night's sleep since saturday; 7-9am: up and getting ready; 9am-1pm: visitation for kristin's mom; 1-2:30pm: kristin's mom's funeral; 2:30-3:30 funeral dinner; 3:30-5 rode to toledo airport; 5-6 checked in for my 5:55 flight, got frisked for the 3rd time in as many days because i'm apparently a security risk; 6-7:30pm: waited for 1.5 hours in a po dunk ohio airport on account of bad weather; 7:30-9pm: flew to chicago; 9pm-12:30am: waiting around chicago on account of weather, when i should have left at 10; 12:30-2:20: flew from chicago to jersey; 2:20-3: rode back home in eric's car; 3-3:30am ice cream/lara's life stinks right now party with eric
summary: completely exhausted and totally drained, asleep until further notice; unless you want to give me a huge hug, give me space :-P
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
since then? asleep from 4am-1:30pm... now to figure out what i want to do besides curl up in a ball.
oh, i also came back to this mass email to the math dept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thyagaraju "Raju" Chelluri (1977-2004)
We regret to inform you that Raju Chelluri was killed on
Saturday, August 21, by an Amtrak train at the New Brunswick station.
He was a graduate student in the mathematics department at Rutgers.
Funeral services will be conducted on Friday August 27, at the
Franklin Memorial Park Mausoleum, located on Route 27 in North Brunswick
(just South of Cozzens Lane, call 732-545-4184). During 11:00AM-1:00PM
there will be a family visitation; a Hindu ceremony will begin at 1:00PM
and the cremation will be at 1:45PM.
Next Monday, August 30, a grief counselor will lead a discussion at 1:30PM
in our Graduate Student Lounge (H701, Hill Center). Additional grief
counseling is available from the Rutger College Counseling Center (932-7884).
The department plans to commemorate Raju on September 10.
A police brief about his death has appeared in the Home News:
http://www.thnt.com/thnt/story/0,21282,1034264,00.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i didn't know raju, but i have friends who did.... it's gonna be a weird week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the past 24 hours of my life?
3-7 am: longest night's sleep since saturday; 7-9am: up and getting ready; 9am-1pm: visitation for kristin's mom; 1-2:30pm: kristin's mom's funeral; 2:30-3:30 funeral dinner; 3:30-5 rode to toledo airport; 5-6 checked in for my 5:55 flight, got frisked for the 3rd time in as many days because i'm apparently a security risk; 6-7:30pm: waited for 1.5 hours in a po dunk ohio airport on account of bad weather; 7:30-9pm: flew to chicago; 9pm-12:30am: waiting around chicago on account of weather, when i should have left at 10; 12:30-2:20: flew from chicago to jersey; 2:20-3: rode back home in eric's car; 3-3:30am ice cream/lara's life stinks right now party with eric
summary: completely exhausted and totally drained, asleep until further notice; unless you want to give me a huge hug, give me space :-P
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
since then? asleep from 4am-1:30pm... now to figure out what i want to do besides curl up in a ball.
oh, i also came back to this mass email to the math dept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thyagaraju "Raju" Chelluri (1977-2004)
We regret to inform you that Raju Chelluri was killed on
Saturday, August 21, by an Amtrak train at the New Brunswick station.
He was a graduate student in the mathematics department at Rutgers.
Funeral services will be conducted on Friday August 27, at the
Franklin Memorial Park Mausoleum, located on Route 27 in North Brunswick
(just South of Cozzens Lane, call 732-545-4184). During 11:00AM-1:00PM
there will be a family visitation; a Hindu ceremony will begin at 1:00PM
and the cremation will be at 1:45PM.
Next Monday, August 30, a grief counselor will lead a discussion at 1:30PM
in our Graduate Student Lounge (H701, Hill Center). Additional grief
counseling is available from the Rutger College Counseling Center (932-7884).
The department plans to commemorate Raju on September 10.
A police brief about his death has appeared in the Home News:
http://www.thnt.com/thnt/story/0,21282,1034264,00.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i didn't know raju, but i have friends who did.... it's gonna be a weird week.
Monday, August 23, 2004
a whirlwind of a day
i have been awake for 35 hours straight... but going strong... the last 23/24 hours are nothing at all what i would have expected them to be at this time yesterday.
8:15pm: i call roommate to see how her day is going, our call gets dropped mid sentence and i call back and leave a voicemail (this happens... neither of us are places where we get excellent reception)
8:45pm: roommate calls to tell me that just after we hung up before (just 30 minutes before) her mom died peacefully... we cry together on the phone for a bit
10pm: after sobbing for awhile on the porch, roommate calls back with specific funeral details and requests i show up monday morning/by lunchtime (this is at 10pm sunday night)
10:30pm: completely unpacked and needing to do laundry, i schedule a 6am flight that requires me to leave for the airport at 4:30am
11pm: i proceed to cry and freak out about the situation at hand... eric and me go on a field trip to pick up scott (who doesn't have a car) so he can eat ice cream with me and read me kids books
11:30pm: while we're out, me, scott, and eric stop by ben's place and kidnap him
12 midnight: scott and eric make root beer floats for us all, eric and scott read go dog go and fox in socks to cheer me up a little... the four of us (eric scott me and ben) laugh quite a bit
1am: eric and scott go home -- i'm exhausted, my eyes are bloodshot, and i have 3 hours to pack...
1-4am: ben decides to stay the night and make sure i don't freak out about packing on short notice on so little sleep... we watched "brother bear" while my laundry was going, and he made grits while i showered and packed
4:30am: a mere 8 hours after i got word about kristin's mom, i'm letting ben drive me in my car to the airport
6-8am: fly from newark to chicago
8am-11am: layover in chicago, midway
11am-noon: fly from chicago to toledo, OH
since then, when roommate and her dad picked me up at the airport, we've been running errands... first a mennonite buffet lunch place, then we went to pick out the flowers for the arrangement that will be on the casket this week, then went to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director for kristin's dad to sign a lot of papers... kinda surreal all in all.
other than that, i do whatever they're putting me to work doing and spend a lot of time playing with their dog and 4 cats... kristin's dad gave me the job of reserving a rental car and a hotel room for the florida part of their week...
all that said, it's gonna be a looong rest of the week:
tomorrow: wake/visitation from 1-5pm, 7-9pm.
wednesday: visitation from 10am-1pm, funeral from 1-2, i fly in reverse of what i did this morning, leaving toledo at 6pm and getting to newark for eric to pick me up at 12:30am (i.e. at night)
thursday: kristin and her dad will fly to florida, as will her mom's casket...
friday: they'll have a graveside burial service in clearwater, florida... kristin has several school friends from SC who will be there, and the ticket prices are pretty insane, so i won't be there for that part.
in the meantime, more errands and stuff with roommate -- back in touch when i'm back in jersey.
8:15pm: i call roommate to see how her day is going, our call gets dropped mid sentence and i call back and leave a voicemail (this happens... neither of us are places where we get excellent reception)
8:45pm: roommate calls to tell me that just after we hung up before (just 30 minutes before) her mom died peacefully... we cry together on the phone for a bit
10pm: after sobbing for awhile on the porch, roommate calls back with specific funeral details and requests i show up monday morning/by lunchtime (this is at 10pm sunday night)
10:30pm: completely unpacked and needing to do laundry, i schedule a 6am flight that requires me to leave for the airport at 4:30am
11pm: i proceed to cry and freak out about the situation at hand... eric and me go on a field trip to pick up scott (who doesn't have a car) so he can eat ice cream with me and read me kids books
11:30pm: while we're out, me, scott, and eric stop by ben's place and kidnap him
12 midnight: scott and eric make root beer floats for us all, eric and scott read go dog go and fox in socks to cheer me up a little... the four of us (eric scott me and ben) laugh quite a bit
1am: eric and scott go home -- i'm exhausted, my eyes are bloodshot, and i have 3 hours to pack...
1-4am: ben decides to stay the night and make sure i don't freak out about packing on short notice on so little sleep... we watched "brother bear" while my laundry was going, and he made grits while i showered and packed
4:30am: a mere 8 hours after i got word about kristin's mom, i'm letting ben drive me in my car to the airport
6-8am: fly from newark to chicago
8am-11am: layover in chicago, midway
11am-noon: fly from chicago to toledo, OH
since then, when roommate and her dad picked me up at the airport, we've been running errands... first a mennonite buffet lunch place, then we went to pick out the flowers for the arrangement that will be on the casket this week, then went to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director for kristin's dad to sign a lot of papers... kinda surreal all in all.
other than that, i do whatever they're putting me to work doing and spend a lot of time playing with their dog and 4 cats... kristin's dad gave me the job of reserving a rental car and a hotel room for the florida part of their week...
all that said, it's gonna be a looong rest of the week:
tomorrow: wake/visitation from 1-5pm, 7-9pm.
wednesday: visitation from 10am-1pm, funeral from 1-2, i fly in reverse of what i did this morning, leaving toledo at 6pm and getting to newark for eric to pick me up at 12:30am (i.e. at night)
thursday: kristin and her dad will fly to florida, as will her mom's casket...
friday: they'll have a graveside burial service in clearwater, florida... kristin has several school friends from SC who will be there, and the ticket prices are pretty insane, so i won't be there for that part.
in the meantime, more errands and stuff with roommate -- back in touch when i'm back in jersey.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
social experiement # 827
today i wore all black... black swishy pants, black sandals, black t-shirt, black pull-over hooded sweatshirt, black sunglasses... all black.
mostly because it was comfortable and it was a little chilly in the shade, nothing more.
however, i find it extremely amusing on days when i wear all or mostly black, the reactions that i get. (i used to wear lots of black a lot more often than even now... see below, picture of me from mid-9th grade)
so here's the rub... i find it funny that here are the reactions i got:
*leigh tells me that she thinks nothing of it unless i'm wearing a trenchcoat
*colleen tells me i'm fine if i wear all black because i look too friendly to be scary
*scott has no reaction whatsoever
*eric immediately goes "what on earth are you wearing?" and looks at me like i'm disturbed and has nothing more to say the rest of the day.
if i were wearing all blue or all red or all gray, there would be all scott's reaction -- i.e. none... what is it about black that freaks people out?
i find this highly amusing.
the end.
mostly because it was comfortable and it was a little chilly in the shade, nothing more.
however, i find it extremely amusing on days when i wear all or mostly black, the reactions that i get. (i used to wear lots of black a lot more often than even now... see below, picture of me from mid-9th grade)
so here's the rub... i find it funny that here are the reactions i got:
*leigh tells me that she thinks nothing of it unless i'm wearing a trenchcoat
*colleen tells me i'm fine if i wear all black because i look too friendly to be scary
*scott has no reaction whatsoever
*eric immediately goes "what on earth are you wearing?" and looks at me like i'm disturbed and has nothing more to say the rest of the day.
if i were wearing all blue or all red or all gray, there would be all scott's reaction -- i.e. none... what is it about black that freaks people out?
i find this highly amusing.
the end.
for the kids...
kids sermon at church today was cute... it was about things that can't be shaken.
pastor calls the kids all up front, and throws one a baby rattle, one an unpopped bag of microwave popcorn, and another a bottle of water, all of which they can shake and make noise with... they have a regular rhythm section going...
the pastor asks them all "so who can tell me something that is unshakeable?"
(blank stares all around from all the short people :-P)
pastor: "no one, really? none of you can think of anything?... fine, all of you, get up, and come on a little walk with me"
(he marches all the kids to the back of the church to one corner where there's a big pillar that reaches to the ceiling, has all the kids put their hands on it, and tells them on the count of 3 they're going to shake the church building... on the count of 3 they all sincerely try, and all the sudden, one little 3 year old voice chimes out above everything "pastor! what if we can't do it???")
*that* got them talking.
it was great.
the end.
pastor calls the kids all up front, and throws one a baby rattle, one an unpopped bag of microwave popcorn, and another a bottle of water, all of which they can shake and make noise with... they have a regular rhythm section going...
the pastor asks them all "so who can tell me something that is unshakeable?"
(blank stares all around from all the short people :-P)
pastor: "no one, really? none of you can think of anything?... fine, all of you, get up, and come on a little walk with me"
(he marches all the kids to the back of the church to one corner where there's a big pillar that reaches to the ceiling, has all the kids put their hands on it, and tells them on the count of 3 they're going to shake the church building... on the count of 3 they all sincerely try, and all the sudden, one little 3 year old voice chimes out above everything "pastor! what if we can't do it???")
*that* got them talking.
it was great.
the end.
away message last night:
tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs
response:
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}
next away message:
Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}
after that and real hugs from ben and colleen, we'll make "that tired, drained, and in need of about 999,994 hugs"
response:
alliswan42: .....BEEP....uh, hello, this is Chuck from the Hug-o-matic e-hugs delivery service...I received a purchase order for 999,994 hugs...I do believe that we have only about half that in stock right now...I sincerely hope that the 99,999.4 hugs per week over ten weeks installment plan is agreeable with your people...if you have any questions or complaints, call (419) 571-3811 and ask for Chuck...have a good day....BEEP
conclusion:
yay for friends. :-)
i've also determined that i have the ideal study buddy right now... a year ahead of me, and thus has already passed quals, can answer all my questions, and isn't spazzing like the rest of my friends actually taking the qual... also gives good hugs and makes an excellent pillow... and makes good rootbeer floats :-) ... and watches chick flicks... and explains math stuff in little words that don't confuse me. :-) yeah... yay for friends who are good at helping me cope with life right now indeed :-)
tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs
response:
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}
next away message:
Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: Auto response from lkp 42 42 42: tired, drained, and in need of about a million hugs
valpo sara: How about an e-hug for neighbor lara---
valpo sara: {{{{{{{LARA}}}}}}}}
after that and real hugs from ben and colleen, we'll make "that tired, drained, and in need of about 999,994 hugs"
response:
alliswan42: .....BEEP....uh, hello, this is Chuck from the Hug-o-matic e-hugs delivery service...I received a purchase order for 999,994 hugs...I do believe that we have only about half that in stock right now...I sincerely hope that the 99,999.4 hugs per week over ten weeks installment plan is agreeable with your people...if you have any questions or complaints, call (419) 571-3811 and ask for Chuck...have a good day....BEEP
conclusion:
yay for friends. :-)
i've also determined that i have the ideal study buddy right now... a year ahead of me, and thus has already passed quals, can answer all my questions, and isn't spazzing like the rest of my friends actually taking the qual... also gives good hugs and makes an excellent pillow... and makes good rootbeer floats :-) ... and watches chick flicks... and explains math stuff in little words that don't confuse me. :-) yeah... yay for friends who are good at helping me cope with life right now indeed :-)
Saturday, August 21, 2004
drained
my day:
wake up
breakfast, shower, etc.
go to math building, and find ben
lunch with ben to discuss my life and give me a pep talk for my meeting with dr. greenfield later on
take scott on an emergency run to his house in my car with ben driving and me freaking out and eating my lunch in the passenger seat :-P
meeting with dr. greenfield (see note 1)
wandering around the math building
meeting with dr. weibel (see note 1 as well)
math at the park with ben
math at the park with ben, eric, scott, leigh, and colleen
playground with ben
pizza with all the above people
talked to roommate (see note 2)
started out watching a movie, but road to perdition really got to me so i went to my room 15 minutes in
complained to ben about stress for awhile :-P
bedtime story with leigh and colleen
now, i'm sitting here blogging while i wait for water to boil to make sweet tea for tomorrow ;-P
now, you really wish you were me, eh?
i am so tired and drained... and in need of about a million hugs.
i learned a lot of math today, but did a lot of thinking about non-math too... two footnotes:
(1) dr. greenfield is the previous math grad director, known for being one of the most personable and sympathetic profs in the department... ben and scott made me email him yesterday to see when he'd be around so that no matter that i'd never really sat and talked with him before, so that i could sit down and tell him how life is these days and that i might have a potential conflict with the qual in another week and a half.
his immediate reaction, "how DO you study when you have this much going on outside of math?.... your friend's story sounds like a horrible horrible joke -- that shouldn't happen to any family..."
our meeting was half an hour long (ben, after pep talk right before my meeting was worried i was about to come out in tears from a chat he expected to take 10 minutes), but ended in greenfield giving me a list of nice parks in the area to study at. :-) can't ask for better than that.
after venting about life to greenfield he said i should also talk to weibel, which i did... not nearly as sympathetic... definitely under 10 minutes of chat, but now... instead of like earlier in the week telling roommate "so any time you need me, other than the 30th and the 31st from 9 til noon, just say the word and i'm there", i can now take out the conditional clause... this is good.
(2) the reports from roommate about her mom aren't the most encouraging, but not drastically different from expected at this point either... they transfered her mom to a nursing home back in OH near their home yesterday... this was traumatic b/c she had a hard time staying flat on her back that long without understanding why she had to do it. today she was less responsive than before, just not reacting to things or showing recognition. this is such a sad, quickly developing, and frustrating story, i don't have much else to say right now.
in summary: life is stressful, but yay for good friends who give lots of excellent hugs. :-)
night y'all
wake up
breakfast, shower, etc.
go to math building, and find ben
lunch with ben to discuss my life and give me a pep talk for my meeting with dr. greenfield later on
take scott on an emergency run to his house in my car with ben driving and me freaking out and eating my lunch in the passenger seat :-P
meeting with dr. greenfield (see note 1)
wandering around the math building
meeting with dr. weibel (see note 1 as well)
math at the park with ben
math at the park with ben, eric, scott, leigh, and colleen
playground with ben
pizza with all the above people
talked to roommate (see note 2)
started out watching a movie, but road to perdition really got to me so i went to my room 15 minutes in
complained to ben about stress for awhile :-P
bedtime story with leigh and colleen
now, i'm sitting here blogging while i wait for water to boil to make sweet tea for tomorrow ;-P
now, you really wish you were me, eh?
i am so tired and drained... and in need of about a million hugs.
i learned a lot of math today, but did a lot of thinking about non-math too... two footnotes:
(1) dr. greenfield is the previous math grad director, known for being one of the most personable and sympathetic profs in the department... ben and scott made me email him yesterday to see when he'd be around so that no matter that i'd never really sat and talked with him before, so that i could sit down and tell him how life is these days and that i might have a potential conflict with the qual in another week and a half.
his immediate reaction, "how DO you study when you have this much going on outside of math?.... your friend's story sounds like a horrible horrible joke -- that shouldn't happen to any family..."
our meeting was half an hour long (ben, after pep talk right before my meeting was worried i was about to come out in tears from a chat he expected to take 10 minutes), but ended in greenfield giving me a list of nice parks in the area to study at. :-) can't ask for better than that.
after venting about life to greenfield he said i should also talk to weibel, which i did... not nearly as sympathetic... definitely under 10 minutes of chat, but now... instead of like earlier in the week telling roommate "so any time you need me, other than the 30th and the 31st from 9 til noon, just say the word and i'm there", i can now take out the conditional clause... this is good.
(2) the reports from roommate about her mom aren't the most encouraging, but not drastically different from expected at this point either... they transfered her mom to a nursing home back in OH near their home yesterday... this was traumatic b/c she had a hard time staying flat on her back that long without understanding why she had to do it. today she was less responsive than before, just not reacting to things or showing recognition. this is such a sad, quickly developing, and frustrating story, i don't have much else to say right now.
in summary: life is stressful, but yay for good friends who give lots of excellent hugs. :-)
night y'all
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
update
so yesterday, kristin's family was told that her mom had either mad cow disease (no treatment possible), brain cancer (slim chances for treatment), or a brain infection (very treatable).
this morning, the neurologists informed them that the oncologists/neurologists yesterday were trying to give them hope, but an infection is not really what's going on.
what does this mean? whatever is going on (either brain cancer or mad cow disease) is untreatable. kristin's mom has not been eating since last thursday... when things get finished up at the hospital, they're taking her to hospice care at home to die hopefulyl comfortably at home.
kristin's taking the semester off to help her dad sort out life through christmas time.
i've told her any time she needs me other than 9-noon on the 30th and 31st (quals) i'll be there. looks like i make my next visit to ohio a lot sooner than i thought.
i sincerely doubt in the state things lie right now that i have the concentration to study enough to pass quals in 12 days. this means i will fail and if i don't pass in january, i'm out of the program.
people seem confident i can pass in january.
you know what though? i am first and foremost a friend to all my friends, and secondly an aspiring mathematician. at least this gives me reason for why i'm going to fail in two weeks besides the fact that i don't know enough yet, eh?
so yeah, prayers for kristin's family.
the end.
this morning, the neurologists informed them that the oncologists/neurologists yesterday were trying to give them hope, but an infection is not really what's going on.
what does this mean? whatever is going on (either brain cancer or mad cow disease) is untreatable. kristin's mom has not been eating since last thursday... when things get finished up at the hospital, they're taking her to hospice care at home to die hopefulyl comfortably at home.
kristin's taking the semester off to help her dad sort out life through christmas time.
i've told her any time she needs me other than 9-noon on the 30th and 31st (quals) i'll be there. looks like i make my next visit to ohio a lot sooner than i thought.
i sincerely doubt in the state things lie right now that i have the concentration to study enough to pass quals in 12 days. this means i will fail and if i don't pass in january, i'm out of the program.
people seem confident i can pass in january.
you know what though? i am first and foremost a friend to all my friends, and secondly an aspiring mathematician. at least this gives me reason for why i'm going to fail in two weeks besides the fact that i don't know enough yet, eh?
so yeah, prayers for kristin's family.
the end.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
lists
complex, real, algebra, linear algebra -- things i need to learn a lot more about in the next 12 days
mad cow, brain cancer, rare brain infection -- current guesses as to what's wrong with roommate's mom
putting in a feeding tube, mri, and brain tissue biopsy -- procedures her mom has to go through in the next week
tired, drained, praying for a miracle -- words that currently describe me
keep roommate and her family in your prayers.
mad cow, brain cancer, rare brain infection -- current guesses as to what's wrong with roommate's mom
putting in a feeding tube, mri, and brain tissue biopsy -- procedures her mom has to go through in the next week
tired, drained, praying for a miracle -- words that currently describe me
keep roommate and her family in your prayers.
fun with a camera
i've been so good about studying lately -- today though, it didn't happen.
i was up til 2 last night and then leigh was knocking on my bedroom door at 7:45 this morning right AS my alarm was going off... i staggered out of the room, splashed water in my face, and then drove her to the uhaul place closest to here...
turns out, for wanting to stock a new apartment, we got a pretty sweet deal... leigh lives in a furnished apartment with a couple from greece... when she told them she was moving out and about to go furniture shopping, they told her to check the basement and take old stuff off their hands for free (we're going to pay them something anyhow)... out of our basement explorations this weekend, we picked 2 bookcases (one for videos, one for board games), a TV stand, a recliner, and a sleeper sofa for the living room... and leigh got a twin size bed and a nice desk out of the deal for herself... not bad for "free", eh?
anyhow, all that stuff picked out, ben, eric, leigh, and i spent the morning unloading things from the basement and getting them into the uhaul... getting the sofa out of the basement was quite the complicated trick and we thought when we shut the uhaul and drove off we had finished the hardest part -- we were wrong...
at our new place, we have the 2nd floor of a 2 story place. when you go in the front door of the house, you immediately are standing between two more doors, one for downstairs, one for us, so to get anything in, you have to make about a 45 degree angle between two doors which are no more than 3 feet apart and then immediately go up a flight of stairs... it was tricky enough to get a recliner through at that angle that the sofa had no hope...
on the other hand, in the back of the house we have a service stairwell that goes all the way up to the attic (storage) and all the way down to the basement (laundry/boiler room)... it's narrower than the first stairwell and it makes a 180 degree turn every 6 steps, BUT it didn't have the weird angle double door problem, so we figured we'd try it... it turned into an "only 3 people can get close enough to handle the sofa" deal, but they told me to take pictures because it was such a crazy job, and i got stuff out of the way as they went (light fixtures off the ceiling, etc.) before the upward bound sofa broke them... surprisingly, the sofa made it up (with some minor damage to the stairwell, but shhh don't tell tony (the landlord)... we'll fix it later) without having to be sawed in two like we were worried about.
anyhow, many hours later, leigh treated us to fudruckers for a late lunch... by the time i did other errands (filling out rebate stuff for this new computer, etc.) it was late afternoon... i went home for an hour while eric went home to practice horn... when we met up again at 7 for walmart and blockbuster (he paid $15 for unlimited rentals for a month... in the last 5 days we've seen big fish, amelie, fantasia 2000, and the fighting temptations... we rent 2, then trade them in for free... tonight's selections: intolerable cruelty and road to perdition) we were too tired for math...
eric had a red lobster gift certificate from the place he bought his car this summer and ever since he got it he told me he planned to share it with me... so before we went to watch movies, we had crab there :-) and for way cheap... by the time we made it back to my place it was 10:30, and the funny thing about having furniture now is that people use it instead of staying in their rooms ;-) so colleen and leigh were watching men's gymnastics finals on the olympics... we finished that with them, and finally at 11:30, started intolerable cruelty which had me worried a little at first but turned out to be decent... road to perdition is later in the week.
that's the scoop on my day.
if you're following the roommate story -- saturday was a rough day, but sunday was a really good one... waiting on some tests to come back, but unless they amazingly suddenly reveal something the doctors can treat, her mom is being transfered to a nursing home in ohio by wednesday... we shall see...
finally... why am i still up 2 hours after the movie is done? fun with my new computer of course... see the new apartment here:
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/photoalbum.html#house enjoy!
i was up til 2 last night and then leigh was knocking on my bedroom door at 7:45 this morning right AS my alarm was going off... i staggered out of the room, splashed water in my face, and then drove her to the uhaul place closest to here...
turns out, for wanting to stock a new apartment, we got a pretty sweet deal... leigh lives in a furnished apartment with a couple from greece... when she told them she was moving out and about to go furniture shopping, they told her to check the basement and take old stuff off their hands for free (we're going to pay them something anyhow)... out of our basement explorations this weekend, we picked 2 bookcases (one for videos, one for board games), a TV stand, a recliner, and a sleeper sofa for the living room... and leigh got a twin size bed and a nice desk out of the deal for herself... not bad for "free", eh?
anyhow, all that stuff picked out, ben, eric, leigh, and i spent the morning unloading things from the basement and getting them into the uhaul... getting the sofa out of the basement was quite the complicated trick and we thought when we shut the uhaul and drove off we had finished the hardest part -- we were wrong...
at our new place, we have the 2nd floor of a 2 story place. when you go in the front door of the house, you immediately are standing between two more doors, one for downstairs, one for us, so to get anything in, you have to make about a 45 degree angle between two doors which are no more than 3 feet apart and then immediately go up a flight of stairs... it was tricky enough to get a recliner through at that angle that the sofa had no hope...
on the other hand, in the back of the house we have a service stairwell that goes all the way up to the attic (storage) and all the way down to the basement (laundry/boiler room)... it's narrower than the first stairwell and it makes a 180 degree turn every 6 steps, BUT it didn't have the weird angle double door problem, so we figured we'd try it... it turned into an "only 3 people can get close enough to handle the sofa" deal, but they told me to take pictures because it was such a crazy job, and i got stuff out of the way as they went (light fixtures off the ceiling, etc.) before the upward bound sofa broke them... surprisingly, the sofa made it up (with some minor damage to the stairwell, but shhh don't tell tony (the landlord)... we'll fix it later) without having to be sawed in two like we were worried about.
anyhow, many hours later, leigh treated us to fudruckers for a late lunch... by the time i did other errands (filling out rebate stuff for this new computer, etc.) it was late afternoon... i went home for an hour while eric went home to practice horn... when we met up again at 7 for walmart and blockbuster (he paid $15 for unlimited rentals for a month... in the last 5 days we've seen big fish, amelie, fantasia 2000, and the fighting temptations... we rent 2, then trade them in for free... tonight's selections: intolerable cruelty and road to perdition) we were too tired for math...
eric had a red lobster gift certificate from the place he bought his car this summer and ever since he got it he told me he planned to share it with me... so before we went to watch movies, we had crab there :-) and for way cheap... by the time we made it back to my place it was 10:30, and the funny thing about having furniture now is that people use it instead of staying in their rooms ;-) so colleen and leigh were watching men's gymnastics finals on the olympics... we finished that with them, and finally at 11:30, started intolerable cruelty which had me worried a little at first but turned out to be decent... road to perdition is later in the week.
that's the scoop on my day.
if you're following the roommate story -- saturday was a rough day, but sunday was a really good one... waiting on some tests to come back, but unless they amazingly suddenly reveal something the doctors can treat, her mom is being transfered to a nursing home in ohio by wednesday... we shall see...
finally... why am i still up 2 hours after the movie is done? fun with my new computer of course... see the new apartment here:
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/photoalbum.html#house enjoy!
Friday, August 13, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
in other news...
just when you thought life couldn't get any more frustrating...
roommate called today... after a week's worth of extensive testing at the university of michigan hospital the doctors there determined that her mom's case of delirium is unprecendented, unreversible, and untreatable... they recommend that she be put in a nursing home next week.
la is sad.
keep the hunsingers in your prayers.
roommate called today... after a week's worth of extensive testing at the university of michigan hospital the doctors there determined that her mom's case of delirium is unprecendented, unreversible, and untreatable... they recommend that she be put in a nursing home next week.
la is sad.
keep the hunsingers in your prayers.
dude
ok, so was that scary or what? i hope the last one is false, but the rest were eerily good :-)
later dudes.
movin right along
so today i didn't get any math done, but it was good.... did miscellaneous stuff around the house all morning and half the afternoon til eric made it over from getting his car fixed up (oil change, new tires, etc. as to be expected from driving cross country in one shot)
once eric was around, denny's for breakfast for late afternoon lunch... then circuit city... we examined the machines for a bit while the sales guy was finishing up with another customer and eric commented that what he paid extra for last year speed and storage wise on his computer looks to be pretty standard and he was amazed.... compare the specs:
old computer?
not even a pentium 1 processor, 1G of storage space, 16M of RAM
new computer?
pentium celuron processor, 80G of storage space, 512M of RAM
further advantages?
* i opted to get an LCD screen instead of the standard kind since the current monitor with the old machine doesn't show colors right (red comes and goes, and things get a bluish tint sometimes too) and it's the 3rd one attached to that tower that's developed that problem... i'm tired of it... so yay LCD and seeing colors right!
* sooo much faster! (i've been oohing and aahing all night about how much more quickly things happen and that the colors are all there and eric keeps laughing because these are things one should expect from a computer that i've been living without for quite some time :-P -- other eric quote of the day:
eric: (down the hall, salvaging some stuff from my old machine) *laughs hysterically*
me: dude, what's wrong with you?
eric: BIOS version 1.008... how can you still be running a machine with BIOS version 1.008... you should seriously take a picture of the startup screen -- that's so freakin hilarious)
* CD burner, DVD player both already built in, plus a series of jacks on the front of the machine already set up for digital cameras, etc. to plug in.
* new printer that came with the deal that i won't have to sit on the floor with and jam one sheet at a time into
only 2 minor frustrations so far
(1) i've spent so long with windows 98, which i know forwards and backwards, that XP goofs me up... things i could mindlessly click to and find before, i now have to go searching for... that'll just take time though
(2) as a result of #1 it took much longer than it should have to finally convince my old scanner (an HP scanjet 2100C) and the computer proper to play along nicely with each other... but,... i did ultimately succeed.
...and here it is 3am and i'm still up... my sleeping schedule is sooo off... :-(
anyhow, time to pretend to sleep... i actually have plans to tomorrow to do math studying with leigh so that i do get work done... math party at barnes and noble -- don't you wish you were invited? ;-P
night y'all.
once eric was around, denny's for breakfast for late afternoon lunch... then circuit city... we examined the machines for a bit while the sales guy was finishing up with another customer and eric commented that what he paid extra for last year speed and storage wise on his computer looks to be pretty standard and he was amazed.... compare the specs:
old computer?
not even a pentium 1 processor, 1G of storage space, 16M of RAM
new computer?
pentium celuron processor, 80G of storage space, 512M of RAM
further advantages?
* i opted to get an LCD screen instead of the standard kind since the current monitor with the old machine doesn't show colors right (red comes and goes, and things get a bluish tint sometimes too) and it's the 3rd one attached to that tower that's developed that problem... i'm tired of it... so yay LCD and seeing colors right!
* sooo much faster! (i've been oohing and aahing all night about how much more quickly things happen and that the colors are all there and eric keeps laughing because these are things one should expect from a computer that i've been living without for quite some time :-P -- other eric quote of the day:
eric: (down the hall, salvaging some stuff from my old machine) *laughs hysterically*
me: dude, what's wrong with you?
eric: BIOS version 1.008... how can you still be running a machine with BIOS version 1.008... you should seriously take a picture of the startup screen -- that's so freakin hilarious)
* CD burner, DVD player both already built in, plus a series of jacks on the front of the machine already set up for digital cameras, etc. to plug in.
* new printer that came with the deal that i won't have to sit on the floor with and jam one sheet at a time into
only 2 minor frustrations so far
(1) i've spent so long with windows 98, which i know forwards and backwards, that XP goofs me up... things i could mindlessly click to and find before, i now have to go searching for... that'll just take time though
(2) as a result of #1 it took much longer than it should have to finally convince my old scanner (an HP scanjet 2100C) and the computer proper to play along nicely with each other... but,... i did ultimately succeed.
...and here it is 3am and i'm still up... my sleeping schedule is sooo off... :-(
anyhow, time to pretend to sleep... i actually have plans to tomorrow to do math studying with leigh so that i do get work done... math party at barnes and noble -- don't you wish you were invited? ;-P
night y'all.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
mental breakdown, anyone?
today didn't start off all bad... we got internet at the new house, i got my room decorated and it looks completely awesome... and etc.... this afternoon's where things got painful...
(1) roommate's mom had a bad afternoon... she was good all morning, then had a spinal tap and after that things went downhill for the day... she was in pain and didn't recognize anyone, and roommate was tired and taking turns with her dad so that someone was in the hospital with her mom all night... yuck :-(
(2) more specifically on the lara front, when we got internet, i hooked up my desktop... promptly 10 minutes later it crashed.... that's what it's done all day... and is about to do again... so i tried to start up my laptop and it was fine for a bit, until i started trying to configure our new router through it, did a restart and since then, it freezes and then turns itself off before it even boots windows!... i can't deal with either of them... my desktop is at least 10 years old though and my laptop is going on 6, so i knew they needed replacements,... i was just hoping they'd hold out until i had money to afford replacements, ya know?
in summary, when my machines both basically died within 6 hours of each other (what are the odds of that?) (one i can't turn on, the other i can for 15 minutes at a time), i threw the laptop across the room (which probably didn't help it), and called eric, and related the situation... he said he'd help me find a new computer, but first we should sit still for a bit and chat about it before we went spending money i already don't have.... that was around 7:30/8pm tonight... (this was time #1 i was in tears today)
since then, eric and me went to subway for dinner and took out my angst on sandwiches and he both listened to me rant for a bit, and convinced me it was good to sleep for a night and calm down before going to spend $$... instead we rented movies... big fish (which i had seen before and he hadn't) and amelie (which he had seen before and i hadn't)... while at blockbuster we ran into john and his girlfriend emily and while explaining my evening, i waved my arm to gesture while talking (something i do frequently), and dislodged a whole shelf of videos, sending them all over the floor -- perfectly in keeping with my day... (this is time #2 i was in tears today)
the story only gets more woeful from here if you're starting to wonder about my sanity... eric and i watched big fish, and then before amelie, went to make popcorn... since colleen was grading papers for the class she teaches in the same room as we were watching the movie, i asked her what kind she wanted and she voted for kettle corn... i made popcorn, took it out of the microwave, freaked out that it didn't say kettle corn on the bag (and thought i had messed up) and ended up crying about that for another 5 minutes before eric convinced me that wasn't worth being upset over...
in summary, my breaking point/tolerance for stress right now is exceedingly low.
tomorrow, after eric runs lots of errands, it's a pizza and computer shopping party... tomorrow night i'll have a brilliant new computer... all with only $8 in checking... but hey, if i'm already in the 5 digits in debt, what's another thousand going to hurt? at this point, i really really really don't care.
night y'all
(1) roommate's mom had a bad afternoon... she was good all morning, then had a spinal tap and after that things went downhill for the day... she was in pain and didn't recognize anyone, and roommate was tired and taking turns with her dad so that someone was in the hospital with her mom all night... yuck :-(
(2) more specifically on the lara front, when we got internet, i hooked up my desktop... promptly 10 minutes later it crashed.... that's what it's done all day... and is about to do again... so i tried to start up my laptop and it was fine for a bit, until i started trying to configure our new router through it, did a restart and since then, it freezes and then turns itself off before it even boots windows!... i can't deal with either of them... my desktop is at least 10 years old though and my laptop is going on 6, so i knew they needed replacements,... i was just hoping they'd hold out until i had money to afford replacements, ya know?
in summary, when my machines both basically died within 6 hours of each other (what are the odds of that?) (one i can't turn on, the other i can for 15 minutes at a time), i threw the laptop across the room (which probably didn't help it), and called eric, and related the situation... he said he'd help me find a new computer, but first we should sit still for a bit and chat about it before we went spending money i already don't have.... that was around 7:30/8pm tonight... (this was time #1 i was in tears today)
since then, eric and me went to subway for dinner and took out my angst on sandwiches and he both listened to me rant for a bit, and convinced me it was good to sleep for a night and calm down before going to spend $$... instead we rented movies... big fish (which i had seen before and he hadn't) and amelie (which he had seen before and i hadn't)... while at blockbuster we ran into john and his girlfriend emily and while explaining my evening, i waved my arm to gesture while talking (something i do frequently), and dislodged a whole shelf of videos, sending them all over the floor -- perfectly in keeping with my day... (this is time #2 i was in tears today)
the story only gets more woeful from here if you're starting to wonder about my sanity... eric and i watched big fish, and then before amelie, went to make popcorn... since colleen was grading papers for the class she teaches in the same room as we were watching the movie, i asked her what kind she wanted and she voted for kettle corn... i made popcorn, took it out of the microwave, freaked out that it didn't say kettle corn on the bag (and thought i had messed up) and ended up crying about that for another 5 minutes before eric convinced me that wasn't worth being upset over...
in summary, my breaking point/tolerance for stress right now is exceedingly low.
tomorrow, after eric runs lots of errands, it's a pizza and computer shopping party... tomorrow night i'll have a brilliant new computer... all with only $8 in checking... but hey, if i'm already in the 5 digits in debt, what's another thousand going to hurt? at this point, i really really really don't care.
night y'all
Monday, August 09, 2004
an ending
this is it: so long to 280 river rd. apt. 77B... i finish this post, close down my computer, turn in my keys to the office and head out.
it's funny... this hasn't been a bad place to live, but i'm not sad to leave it either like some past places (and there have been many... 3 houses with my family, and my river rd. apartment is the 7th place i've lived on my own/with roommates besides that)... i guess it's been functional, but it's not been exactly home...
last night, in the new house, with my room finally painted and half my stuff moved in, i slept for 10 hours... this is the first time i've slept longer than 7 hours in my own bed in well over a year... maybe i'm weird, but i attribute that to the fact that living with friends now, no matter what is going on, my new place is safee, happy, and comfortable for me... i can talk to the people i live with about just about anything and they genuinely want to know how i'm doing.... amanda's been a good roommate; we just never talked about anything.
updates on the rest of life? money's still tight... as indicated above, the painting my room thing finally happened... kristin's mom got moved to the university of michigan hospital for further testing and so experts can try to figure out what's wrong with her... things are hobbling by alright.
last night, to make things moderately happier, nathanael called for an hour. he was one of my church/bible study buddies in budapest. he's in colorado finishing his engineering degree... this was the 2nd time we've talked since europe... the first being in march... however for both of us, i think there's just something extremely nice about being able to vent to someone who knows you moderately well but is not involved in any of your life by any stretch of the imagination for a bit... both times we've talked, we've had really good chats... so it cheered me up to just ramble at him and to listen for quite awhile... yay for friends. :-)
now, to get on outta here... internet at the new place tomorrow.
later dudes
it's funny... this hasn't been a bad place to live, but i'm not sad to leave it either like some past places (and there have been many... 3 houses with my family, and my river rd. apartment is the 7th place i've lived on my own/with roommates besides that)... i guess it's been functional, but it's not been exactly home...
last night, in the new house, with my room finally painted and half my stuff moved in, i slept for 10 hours... this is the first time i've slept longer than 7 hours in my own bed in well over a year... maybe i'm weird, but i attribute that to the fact that living with friends now, no matter what is going on, my new place is safee, happy, and comfortable for me... i can talk to the people i live with about just about anything and they genuinely want to know how i'm doing.... amanda's been a good roommate; we just never talked about anything.
updates on the rest of life? money's still tight... as indicated above, the painting my room thing finally happened... kristin's mom got moved to the university of michigan hospital for further testing and so experts can try to figure out what's wrong with her... things are hobbling by alright.
last night, to make things moderately happier, nathanael called for an hour. he was one of my church/bible study buddies in budapest. he's in colorado finishing his engineering degree... this was the 2nd time we've talked since europe... the first being in march... however for both of us, i think there's just something extremely nice about being able to vent to someone who knows you moderately well but is not involved in any of your life by any stretch of the imagination for a bit... both times we've talked, we've had really good chats... so it cheered me up to just ramble at him and to listen for quite awhile... yay for friends. :-)
now, to get on outta here... internet at the new place tomorrow.
later dudes
Friday, August 06, 2004
life
so, here's the scoop... i am exceedingly frustrated, stressed, sad, etc. this week... bad/frustrating situations in progress?
*keep roommate and her family (roommate = kristin, my valpo roommate, and one of my best friends ever) in your prayers -- major things are going on with her mom right now and her mom was checked in to the hospital yesterday afternoon to deal with them... i don't know how much i'm at liberty to say, but i'm really feeling for her mom and for roommate since i'm talking to her at least daily about how things are going there...
*health issues with my grandma -- when i visited her last saturday it took her 10 minutes to realize i was here and stop talking to the wall instead... this is new... i feel guilty because after how this visit last week went, i don't know if i ever want to visit her again all by myself... every time i've seen her in the past year she's been markedly worse and that scares me... as opposed to the previous three years where she'd have bad days and good days, despite the strokes, and you'd find her on an occasional good day that it was encouraging to come back again.
*quals -- i am so not prepared yet and so frustrated with how much i have yet to do.
*moving -- it took 4 days to get all my stuff moved across town, with eric helping every day, and various other people helping intermitently besides... i'm tired, sore, and not ready to organize my life in the new house yet
*other responsibilities -- it struck me this morning that i'm in charge of pizza seminar this year and i've done nothing yet... i have to start harrassing people to find speakers in the next couple weeks
*money troubles -- enough said... too much to pay and i don't get paid til september... it's going to be a long and stressful month
there are some positives though
*i'm now moved into a new house with colleen, and leigh comes back tomorrow -- i have roommates who will read kids books with me (were instituting nightly bedtime story time... _fox in socks_ was our first pick and _go dog go_ will be tonight) and who i can actually talk to when i'm stressed... the living situation will improve once (a) my room gets painted and i can really move into it, and (b) we all get our stuff settled... we'll have cable and internet there starting tuesday
*i have good friends... even after 15 days trapped in a car with me, eric's spent 4 days helping pack and is helping me deal with even more stuff later today... scott, colleen, and others have been particularly helpful lately too.
*i am finally moved except for my laptop, a chair, and a fan -- that's good, right? :-P
so yeah, that's the scoop lately... if you don't hear from me, it's because i'm doing a lot of hiding out and dealing with only 1 person or 2 at a time to stay calm... it's ok -- just check back in a month.
*keep roommate and her family (roommate = kristin, my valpo roommate, and one of my best friends ever) in your prayers -- major things are going on with her mom right now and her mom was checked in to the hospital yesterday afternoon to deal with them... i don't know how much i'm at liberty to say, but i'm really feeling for her mom and for roommate since i'm talking to her at least daily about how things are going there...
*health issues with my grandma -- when i visited her last saturday it took her 10 minutes to realize i was here and stop talking to the wall instead... this is new... i feel guilty because after how this visit last week went, i don't know if i ever want to visit her again all by myself... every time i've seen her in the past year she's been markedly worse and that scares me... as opposed to the previous three years where she'd have bad days and good days, despite the strokes, and you'd find her on an occasional good day that it was encouraging to come back again.
*quals -- i am so not prepared yet and so frustrated with how much i have yet to do.
*moving -- it took 4 days to get all my stuff moved across town, with eric helping every day, and various other people helping intermitently besides... i'm tired, sore, and not ready to organize my life in the new house yet
*other responsibilities -- it struck me this morning that i'm in charge of pizza seminar this year and i've done nothing yet... i have to start harrassing people to find speakers in the next couple weeks
*money troubles -- enough said... too much to pay and i don't get paid til september... it's going to be a long and stressful month
there are some positives though
*i'm now moved into a new house with colleen, and leigh comes back tomorrow -- i have roommates who will read kids books with me (were instituting nightly bedtime story time... _fox in socks_ was our first pick and _go dog go_ will be tonight) and who i can actually talk to when i'm stressed... the living situation will improve once (a) my room gets painted and i can really move into it, and (b) we all get our stuff settled... we'll have cable and internet there starting tuesday
*i have good friends... even after 15 days trapped in a car with me, eric's spent 4 days helping pack and is helping me deal with even more stuff later today... scott, colleen, and others have been particularly helpful lately too.
*i am finally moved except for my laptop, a chair, and a fan -- that's good, right? :-P
so yeah, that's the scoop lately... if you don't hear from me, it's because i'm doing a lot of hiding out and dealing with only 1 person or 2 at a time to stay calm... it's ok -- just check back in a month.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
adventures in moving
it's going... far from done, but i'm making progress
conundrum #1: how do you move a full size bed 6 miles down the road from one second story apartment to another?
solution: take apart the bed yourself, then buy 100 feet of rope and make eric and scott do the rest for you...
they did it last night by tying one mattress at a time on the roof of eric's new car and driving slowly across town... my bed is now safely assembled at my new place
conundrum #2: how do you get hot water set up at the new house?
solution: figure out how to turn on the gas-powered boiler in the basement -- pretty sure we haven't figured that part out yet... yay cold showers? :-(
conundrum #3: how do i get the rest of the stuff to my new place when i'm tired and sore?
solution: very slowly, and hopefully before i'm supposed to be out of here (my old place)... and solicit for volunteers! -- any of you close to jersey who want free meals courtesy of me and my credit card, let me know and i'll put you to work :-P
and that's a wrap... carli rossow should be here any time now to have some fun for the day -- this will be good :-)
later dudes.
conundrum #1: how do you move a full size bed 6 miles down the road from one second story apartment to another?
solution: take apart the bed yourself, then buy 100 feet of rope and make eric and scott do the rest for you...
they did it last night by tying one mattress at a time on the roof of eric's new car and driving slowly across town... my bed is now safely assembled at my new place
conundrum #2: how do you get hot water set up at the new house?
solution: figure out how to turn on the gas-powered boiler in the basement -- pretty sure we haven't figured that part out yet... yay cold showers? :-(
conundrum #3: how do i get the rest of the stuff to my new place when i'm tired and sore?
solution: very slowly, and hopefully before i'm supposed to be out of here (my old place)... and solicit for volunteers! -- any of you close to jersey who want free meals courtesy of me and my credit card, let me know and i'll put you to work :-P
and that's a wrap... carli rossow should be here any time now to have some fun for the day -- this will be good :-)
later dudes.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
art
the finished masterpiece:
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/roadtrip.html
qual study party in an hour -- this is going to make me cry
http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lpudwell/roadtrip.html
qual study party in an hour -- this is going to make me cry
Monday, August 02, 2004
are we there yet?
what a day...
went to sleep at 4:30am, woke up (on my own, not with a clock) at 9:30, and started packing immediately... my clothes are at the new house and my closets are now 80% empty... all my books and board games (seriously over 2 bookcases full of books) are all gone now too... my room is still a mess, and basically a mountain of stuff... i worked straight until 4:30pm before giving up for the night... so now, pretty sure i'm absolutely exhausted. i am NOT looking forward to the repeat performance tomorrow.
moving in is a little off too b/c the landlord needs to repaint my room from the previous tenant so i can't put anything on the walls or against them until he has time for that this weekend.... this is not a fun game.
on the other hand, eric has earned the title of hero of the month i think. he survived 3960 miles in the car with me, and being around me just about 24/7 for 2 weeks without getting more than occasionally minorly annoyed... now here, the first day we're back and he could get a break from lara, he showed up on my doorstep just before noon and with a smile cheered me up a bit and packed his car full of my stuff... he intends to do the same tomorrow -- 3 mighty cheers for eric.
gone to pick up the final two rools of film from my roadtrip... later dudes :-P
went to sleep at 4:30am, woke up (on my own, not with a clock) at 9:30, and started packing immediately... my clothes are at the new house and my closets are now 80% empty... all my books and board games (seriously over 2 bookcases full of books) are all gone now too... my room is still a mess, and basically a mountain of stuff... i worked straight until 4:30pm before giving up for the night... so now, pretty sure i'm absolutely exhausted. i am NOT looking forward to the repeat performance tomorrow.
moving in is a little off too b/c the landlord needs to repaint my room from the previous tenant so i can't put anything on the walls or against them until he has time for that this weekend.... this is not a fun game.
on the other hand, eric has earned the title of hero of the month i think. he survived 3960 miles in the car with me, and being around me just about 24/7 for 2 weeks without getting more than occasionally minorly annoyed... now here, the first day we're back and he could get a break from lara, he showed up on my doorstep just before noon and with a smile cheered me up a bit and packed his car full of my stuff... he intends to do the same tomorrow -- 3 mighty cheers for eric.
gone to pick up the final two rools of film from my roadtrip... later dudes :-P
let the insanity begin!
i wrote the most brilliant blog entry ever when i was in detroit friday night... full of all kinds of chipper details of the rest of the trip; unfortunately, eric's g-ma's webTV didn't like the "publish" button to submit that entry, so it's lost... never fear though, i'm working on a wesite to take care of the trip details, so i'll be brief... top 3 ironies/humorous events:
(1) apparently i hum in my sleep and never knew until i hummed loud enough to wake up eric the first two nights on the road... i called roommate and she told me i've been doing that sporadically for years and she never thought it important enough to tell me... dude, i hum songs in my sleep -- how weird is that :-P
(2) apparently eric's great-great-great grandfather built the farm house next door to the house i grew up in (i.e. i grew up playing hide and go seek in an old house his faily's had pictures of for years and wondered how to find for geneology/family history research)... this fact, and the process of discovering this fact led to quite the entertaining evening knocking on random farm house doors in small town illinois this past wednesday night
(3) absolute best highlight of the trip? eric and me miss a turn leaving yellowstone national park and as a result don't get out of the park going the proper direction until 11:30pm... this means there's nowhere to stop that late until cody, WY, a good 2 hours away.... eric hands me the keys figuring i'm better at being giddy and staying awake than he is... the only road from yellowstone to cody is a "scenic highway" that i'm sure is super nice in the day... however, when it's the worst mountain driving of your 2 week journey and it's after midnight so the only thing you can see are the reflectors popping up 20 feet in front of you and signs that say 20mph with the weirdest curves you've ever seen on them, it's not so much scenic as stupidly dangerous -- but whatever, we were determined to get to cody and sleep in real beds, so i pretended it was a race car game to stay in the middle of the road around the curves (good thing there were NO other cars around for hours and hours!) and eric egged me on.... we stopped a few times to be amazed at how many countless millions more stars you can see in total blackness... then after the moon set and we were debating if montana glows in the dark, i told eric whatever the glow was, it was waving at me... he laughed and told me i was too tired to be driving anymore, and i should stop the car a minute and run around to wake up.... however, i stopped the car to prove him i was right :-P... sure enough, there were are, loud techno (i.e. please keep us awake music) blaring out of the car behind us, standing smack in the middle of wyoming state highway 296, jaws to the ground, staring at aurora borealis for the first time -- i.e. the northern lights! we totally had a cow, and did a 1:30am happy dance in the middle of the street, clapped, cheered, and had another cow while admiring the lights before getting back in the car... talk about a story to remember... where were you when... you first saw the northern lights? *i* was doing a happy dance in the middle of a state highway in the wyoming mountains... beat that! :-P
ok, so rest of trip news will come from the website i'm working on.... link here when it's done... in the meantime...
here it is 4am,... tomorrow amanda comes home and i need to move most of my stuff before then (it's currently strewn all over the house and on top of the stuff the girl who's moving into my room, who apparently moved her large furniture all into my living room 2 weeks early... whatever).... i'm not ready for packing... i'm going to wake up and serious just start throwing stacks of books in my back seat and reverse the process to unload... eric said he'd help, but i have to actually use boxes to get him to move stuff... this could pose a problem...
however, eric also said, he doesn't help if i pull an alnighter, so this is me, at 4:15am, signing off and pretending to sleep... wish me luck that i don't spontaneously explode in the next month what with quals and moving.... seriously, why can't i be employed as a professional road trip taker? i'd love that dude.
night y'all.
(1) apparently i hum in my sleep and never knew until i hummed loud enough to wake up eric the first two nights on the road... i called roommate and she told me i've been doing that sporadically for years and she never thought it important enough to tell me... dude, i hum songs in my sleep -- how weird is that :-P
(2) apparently eric's great-great-great grandfather built the farm house next door to the house i grew up in (i.e. i grew up playing hide and go seek in an old house his faily's had pictures of for years and wondered how to find for geneology/family history research)... this fact, and the process of discovering this fact led to quite the entertaining evening knocking on random farm house doors in small town illinois this past wednesday night
(3) absolute best highlight of the trip? eric and me miss a turn leaving yellowstone national park and as a result don't get out of the park going the proper direction until 11:30pm... this means there's nowhere to stop that late until cody, WY, a good 2 hours away.... eric hands me the keys figuring i'm better at being giddy and staying awake than he is... the only road from yellowstone to cody is a "scenic highway" that i'm sure is super nice in the day... however, when it's the worst mountain driving of your 2 week journey and it's after midnight so the only thing you can see are the reflectors popping up 20 feet in front of you and signs that say 20mph with the weirdest curves you've ever seen on them, it's not so much scenic as stupidly dangerous -- but whatever, we were determined to get to cody and sleep in real beds, so i pretended it was a race car game to stay in the middle of the road around the curves (good thing there were NO other cars around for hours and hours!) and eric egged me on.... we stopped a few times to be amazed at how many countless millions more stars you can see in total blackness... then after the moon set and we were debating if montana glows in the dark, i told eric whatever the glow was, it was waving at me... he laughed and told me i was too tired to be driving anymore, and i should stop the car a minute and run around to wake up.... however, i stopped the car to prove him i was right :-P... sure enough, there were are, loud techno (i.e. please keep us awake music) blaring out of the car behind us, standing smack in the middle of wyoming state highway 296, jaws to the ground, staring at aurora borealis for the first time -- i.e. the northern lights! we totally had a cow, and did a 1:30am happy dance in the middle of the street, clapped, cheered, and had another cow while admiring the lights before getting back in the car... talk about a story to remember... where were you when... you first saw the northern lights? *i* was doing a happy dance in the middle of a state highway in the wyoming mountains... beat that! :-P
ok, so rest of trip news will come from the website i'm working on.... link here when it's done... in the meantime...
here it is 4am,... tomorrow amanda comes home and i need to move most of my stuff before then (it's currently strewn all over the house and on top of the stuff the girl who's moving into my room, who apparently moved her large furniture all into my living room 2 weeks early... whatever).... i'm not ready for packing... i'm going to wake up and serious just start throwing stacks of books in my back seat and reverse the process to unload... eric said he'd help, but i have to actually use boxes to get him to move stuff... this could pose a problem...
however, eric also said, he doesn't help if i pull an alnighter, so this is me, at 4:15am, signing off and pretending to sleep... wish me luck that i don't spontaneously explode in the next month what with quals and moving.... seriously, why can't i be employed as a professional road trip taker? i'd love that dude.
night y'all.
